Tuesday, September 29, 2009

P.S.

27.9.9
(Laying on a double-bed … both Casper and Jeanie are looking at the ceiling … both experiencing The Golden Silence between them… they should better call it Crazy Silence because sometimes they practice their crazy ideas like in silence they try to imagine what other is thinking about and later they share what they felt between some those crazy silent moments… )
Casper! Did you say anything?
No, you are just imagining things.
Oh.. yeah might be. (Again puts her energy on guessing what Casper might be thinking)
Hey Jeanie!
Yeah say!
Would you like to be … a … a mother??
Yeah of course ! I know it’s a painful job but its wonderful too and I want to experience it someday.
Jeanie!
Hmm..
Would you like to have a .. a baby from me?
What?...
(He says nothing… he can feel terror and excitement in his heart as well as in hers)
Are you crazy?? (Opposite to what he expected she laughs at this seemingly joke)
I am not kidding Jeanie ! I am serious.
Hmm the idea is good butut we are not married. (After a brief pause , she speaks in a low voice) Nor do I think we will get ever married in this life.
(But Casper ignores the pang in her voice and continues explaining his idea)
I want to see how our baby will grow up like? I am sure he/she will be as sweet as you are.
Shut up Casper! Don’t… please don’t talk nonsense.
This is not non sense. We both will watch him growing … growing as a … hmm.. as a humanitarian.. a philanthropist… a patriot …. I would like to see him conquering the world .
Casper ! … (speaks in a low and steady voice) The idea is great ! I would have loved to be the mother of your child… I wish it could be possible. But its not realistic you see…
(She tries to explain further but Casper intrudes her)
Its alright Jeanie! Don’t be panic. It was just an idea… a foolish idea… now please smile and forget about all this. We are happy without that too , aren’t we?
Hmm….(she places her head upon his chest…he strokes her hairs)
Casper! I would never be able to forget your stupid idea… ohh you have made me someone different… I can feel strange emotions stirring up in my heart. What are they Casper??
Darling! This is the divine emotion. An emotion which summons up the collective energy of Universe , the same energy which God used in creating human being. Its is inside you Jeanie , You are the creator … and its also somewhere inside me because I will help you in creating something.
Casper you are so wonderful!
You are my inspiration . (they both smile and he kisses her on forehead. They both wish each other Goodnight. )
(Jeanie is still awake while Casper is slept. She can still feel a strange power inside her . She was no more a lover, she wanted to experience motherhood. Yes she wanted to have a baby from him… from one who aroused such different emotions in her. But ….

Now she could no more feel that divine power because her mind has started working , giving logics. But before she closes her eyes she thinks that one day I will find some answer of this - But. She looks at Casper who was looking like a school boy ..free from worries .. dreaming about some fairy or angel or an object he would like to have. Oh he looks so perfect – angel-like … she kisses him on his lips and whispers goodnight)

P.S.

27.9.9

(Jeanie is talking to herself in a low and gloomy voice)
What am I doing??... I know the path is painful but still I am progressing on it… its going to cost me a lot… I have never suffered like this .. perhaps because I was the one who walked out of each relationship but this time… ohh… its even painful to think about this.. no I will stop talking to him… but its not a solution, is it?? Then what I am supposed to do… I can’t bear to see him marrying someone else…but why ? I don’t love him nor does he… is he more wiser and honest than me just because he knows what he wants and what he doesn’t … Am I so stupid to take everything so seriously? … Didn’t I know everything when it started? Know… but what?? .. that we are no match??? No, we are a match. Then what?… know that we are not in love? Yes I knew this and also that we can never be together because our worlds are very different… ohh… why do I think a lot but I don’t want to… I am not thinking … I think it is what they call in literature – Stream of Consciousness…

Ah ! whatever ! hmm… what I will do is…Yes! I will stop thinking about him in That Way. And yeah he is only a good friend .. a co-traveler … we have to part soon. May be I will meet someone else when he is married… May be I will soon learn to detach from someone (easily)… May be God has other plans… Yeah ! Who knows this suffering will bring something with it – like a new lesson – or a gift ? I am ready to experience it ! yeah but with some prudence . I won’t allow my heart to feel what it yearns to feel I will just feed my brain with what it wants. I will be practical.

……( I am relaxed! I am relaxed ! I want to sleep! I want to sleep! …. I am sleeping yes I am watching a dream .. its so beautiful … I am sleeping)….

Jeanie .. Jeanie.. wake up darling! Its already eight o’clock. Common get up. See I have made a delicious coffee and breakfast for you. Jeanie ! wake up baby … ( Casper starts kissing her still sleepy eyes then cheeks then he covers whole face with kisses… he whispers in her ears ohhh you sleep like an angel.. my angel! )
( While he is showering kisses , Jeanie is awake but does not want to break her dream which she is watching , which she watches often – a dream, which she always wanted to be a reality… in her dream she was now sitting with Casper in the backyard of their old beach house , sipping coffee and talking about philosophy, spirituality, psychology… the dream could still be true except one thing that they are not married… and she knows that her dream would never come true)

Jeanie opens her eyes , discreetly prays to God that everything be alright and then hugs Casper…





Just Believe!

Just Believe!

It is always hard to choose a title for webpage or even title for your posts. How do you decide it? Well when you read a title of someone’s page it makes a certain effect upon you… it also tells something about the person – his psychology and his intellect. When I chose this title for my blog – Just believe I was not sure whether I will keep it for a long time because at that time I could only come up with this two word phrase – short and sweet and magical too. Short and sweet is fine but what magic is to do with it?? Well These two words are really magical and I myself have experienced magic and then I realized how perfect they are for my blog. I said your page’s title shows your psychology and philosophy of life so it is true in my case. I am a believer! I believed in things – general or impossible both. I believe in miracles that’s why they happen to me. I believe in omens or hints given by god that’s why I am able to perceive them , I believe in the power of dreams and that’s why only I can relate them to my life. I believe in life that’s why life believes in me and makes me feel that each moment of it is very precious. I may be sounding as one of the Paulo’s novel’s heroine but it is a truth.

Believing is experiencing ! When you believe in something you can experience it. Take my case , Earlier I used to believe so much in my past life that everything that occurred to me in my present life I used to think that it is because of my ingenious past life and I was too depressed at that time I lived in hell because I believed that I am fit for nothing but hell. I suffered a lot because I believed that I did such hideous acts in my past life that now I will have to suffer and then…. With help of my sister and friends I came to realize that its nothing no hell- no past but just a creation of my mind and everything happened to me because I believed in it. And now I believe myself to be an angel.. a daughter of God . Wow… and my life has turned upside down. Now I am too optimistic and love myself and my life because I believe everything is good or rather everything is going to be good. J Just believe! And you will be able to see the miracles.

Just Being Happy …

Just Being Happy …

I was not well so I took holiday on 25th as well , along with three days holidays but you can imagine a life of a girl who is all packed in a small room with her philosophic and psychological novels and laptop ,which does not even has net connection, and no one to talk to or hang around with.. oh I am so sorry for myself. No I was sorry for myself but gradually I realized I should make most of the each moment , live it , enjoy it , by any means. I thought I had many reasons to be happy while few for being sad so I shall look for those reasons , find out them and be happy. I realized that I shall be grateful to God because I am living and that too in a good condition. But Loneliness is a devil it takes you towards darkness and force you to be unhappy , makes you frustrated and depressed. Now I know why people who are balanced they become depressed when they are lonely because human beings can not live in isolation they form groups and communities so they can share their hopes, fears, dreams, love and so on… Well what I was talking about is that whatever circumstances you face still you would have something to glad upon , to feel relief for something. It happens with me often that at the same time I am happy and gloomy. I don’t know why. I fight with sadness…and thanks to god that I always win and I am able to laugh at something or the other, be happy for some little reasons and feel grateful to be alive and to be able to understand The Language of the Universe and The Soul of the World.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

P.S.

Hey hiee hru? .. I am good.. ohh yeah I am little sad but its okay I feel good when I talk to you.. yeah its rather chill today soo… u slept well in the day?? Ohh so you were watching me whole night hmmm but I did not get your dream.. you should have come in my dreams I needed you…
(After listening for a while Casper intrudes…Jeanie startles)
Hey Jeanie! Baby ! With whom you are talking?
Oh! ..aahh.. ( little embarrassed) well I was talking to Larry. I often do that and he replies me back too..
Ohh okay so you mean to say that you talk to that star? ( he laughs loudly)
Shut up Casper! Don’t make my fun. Its not a joke . We really talk to each other.
Nonsense! Don’t talk crap.
(furiously) Oh Casper! You don’t believe me and you said you love me… I hate you!
Hey Jeanie…my darling ! Im sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you. Okay I believe it! Now happy? So what’s his name? Larry?? Nice name. hmm..
What are you thinking?
Are you lonely?
What?
When I am not with you , you feel terrible… lonely?? Isn’t it?
Yeah… its true.
And when you are utter lonely you need to talk to someone.
Yeah!
And that is why you talk to star and imagine that he is also talking to you. Its all psychological my darling. I hope you understand me.
Oh is everything in the world an illusion? Larry … God… Nature… is everything an illusion? I wish this life would be an illusion… .
Hey.. Jeanie.. look! You love me .. don’t you?
Yeah! … I love you.
Then why do you feel lonely??? I am always there for you idiot. See… it shows you don’t confide in me… you have not given your complete self to me. Am I so bad Jeanie?
Noo.. no Casper. I really love you. But when you are far from me I feel miserable. I want you… terribly… lets be together ..Casper .. lets go somewhere far from this world..
Hmm…Okay… lets live as our ancestors lived… free from worries…(both smiles) ( he takes her in his arms)
I am serious Casper.
I am serious too. Lets take some risk ! Without risks life is really dull.
Where we are going??
To a wonderland.
(She kisses Casper …)
Tell me naa… where we will go?
Hmm… our bedroom! (she looks suspiciously..opens her mouth to say something) it would be more wonderful than wonderland .. believe me!
Ohh.. Shut up ! Casper you kid with me.. I really want to go somewhere…some beautiful place.
Baby ! I am not kidding.Okay We will go to New Zealand ! Is it fine with you?
(She gives him so many kisses then look into his eyes.. and speaks in a tender voice) I would love to go there. ( She whispers in his ears) Oh Casper! I love you! …
I love you too Jeanie!

Friday, September 18, 2009

foolish thoughts

You receive so many mails in a day that you hardly remember any later on. But one mail is haunting me since I have read that. Its so applied and so relevant so true that one can not forget it and would always apply in his situation. It was a mail like –

When you are a kid and student you have –
Time + Energy – Money

When you are working and youth you have –
Energy + Money – Time

When you are retired and old you have –
Money + Time – Energy

J

How true it is naa.. I always dream what if I had money??? I would do this , buy that , Go here , Talk to friends , would have given so many gifts to my parents and siblings .. ohmigod.. life would have been wonderful.. but when my reasonable mind starts working I realize that its of no use… when I will be earning I wont be having time and infact I don’t think so I can do any damn job except teaching llolz…. Well don’t laugh I am serious J No seriously when you see me you would perceive that I have virtues of being a good teacher. Well well I was just feeling that how miserable we all are but still we are living with some or other hope… Lets be positive! And yeah Just believe that everything will be right now matter initially how much it seems to go wrong. And yeah its not just bookish thing as you might say – kehna toh aasaan hota hai but jab khud per beetati hai tab pata chalta hai … so let me tell you I am going through all this and through writing down my feelings I seriously feel lighter. Because I think happiness is just an idea like beauty , its depend upon you to fetch it in your life and take everything in an easy manner. Just chill! Hope for the best as everything will be alright! J

My Dairy

16.9.9

Pata nahi mujhe kya ho gaya hai. Ek pal khush hoti hoon toh dusre pal hi aankhe chal chala jaati hain. Yeh kya ho raha hai? Kya mein sach mein khush hoon ya… pata nahi. Shayad mein apne dil ki baat accept nahi kar rahi hoon. Jab bhi khushi ke bare mein sochti hoon toh sabse pehle Casper(name changed ;) ) yaad aata hai. Usse baat karte waqt mein kitni khush rehti hoon. J well.. I know I am not in love but still there are some unknown feelings.Only God knows what is it.


Mujhey akela rehna bilkul nahi pasand.. kissey pasand hai?? Well… kabhi kabhi sochti hoon shaadi kar leti hoon saari tensions khatam ho jayengi.. saara kaam apne hubby se karaongi but …. Ohhh shaadi ke saath kitni jimmedariyan judi hain… abhi mein wo jimmedariyan nahi sambhal sakti. Phir kabhi sochti hoon.. kaash mein mar jaon .. meri taklifein toh khatam ho hi jayengi saath hi mom dad ke kitne saarey rupay bach jayenge. :0

Jo mujhe jaante hain wo kehte hain ki mein kitna sochti hoon aur mein unhe kehti hoon ki mein kya sochti hoon mujhey khud ko hi nahi pata chalta. Mujhey toh lagta hai mein bilkul soch hi nahi paati. Kal Shady ko wish kiya.. unse baat karke aacha laga. Duniya ke mahaan paaglon ko gina jaye toh unka naam top 10 mein toh aa hi jayega I am sure J well he is just another kiddo like me.. 22 saal ke ho gaye hain per abhi bhi apne aapko mujhse chota kehte hain… koi unki galat fehmi door karo pls J


Friendship ! --- Is it like always your best buddy or bosom friend would be your partner in all your adventures? No, sometimes we start expecting from our friends more than what our relationship offers. Obviously , he is not your caretaker or your partner in your sufferings and one need to understand this. So cheers ! let your friend be your good friend but make yourself your soul mate or best friend so that you need not look outside for inspiration or consolation. J

Hey ! what you do when you get bugged?? I write a diary J well I am getting terribly bugged so I think if I do not stop here I can write a whole diary book :D . So I stop here take care ! and see you!


My fav. story - 2




The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box.
"There are 5 things you need to know," he told the pencil, "Before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be.

""One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand.
""Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil.
""Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.
""Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside.
""And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write.

"The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.Now replacing the place of the pencil with you. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best person you can be.
One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in God's hand. And allow other human beings to access you for the many gifts you possess.
Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, by going through various problems in life, but you'll need it to become a stronger person.
Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.
Four: The most important part of you will always be what's on the inside.And Five: On every surface you walk through, you must leave your mark. No matter what the situation, you must continue to do your duties.Allow this parable on the pencil to encourage you to know that you are a special person and only you can fulfill the purpose to which you were born to accomplish.Never allow yourself to get discouraged and think that your life is insignificant and cannot make a change.

My fav. stories - 1


A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully and before it blossomed, he examined it.
He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, "How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns? Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom... it died.
So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth, grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects.
We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential.
Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns of another, and find the rose within them.
This is one of the characteristic of love... to look at a person, know their true faults and accepting that person into your life... all the while recognizing the nobility in their soul. Help others to realize they can overcome their faults. If we show them the "rose" within themselves, they will conquer their thorns. Only then will they blossom many times over.

Personal Space

Casper , Why I am like this?
Because you are very sweet and helpless .. poor baby. {smiles}
No Casper.. you don't know me... I am ... I am very selfish.
hmm.. and what makes you think like this?
Oh Casper! we won't meet again.. I don't want to see you anymore.. I .. I can not bear this pain.. Casper.
Jeanie ! my darling ! am I giving youpain? Do you really want me to go away from you?
Oh no Casper! you don't understand me. Not at all. I dont want you to go anywhere . And yes you give me pain but its more sweeter than any pleasure. Believe me! Oh its too strange.
You are an angel. A craeture who doesn't belong to this earth .
No aim a human being ,too mean and selfish.
Come, come here, give me your hands I want to kiss them. ( he kisses her hands)
Hey Jeanie ! See what a splendid view it is , Sun over the horizon , crimson light, scattered clouds creating unique shapes .. ah ..a heavenly view ... isn't it?
Yes Its so beautiful! ( she becomes a little uneasy)
What happened Jeanie? Are you alright?
Yes I am.. I am alright.
No you are not. tell me what happened?
I don't like watching sunset like .. like this.. I mean .. evenings sometimes depress me.
(In a tender and firmer voice) Hey look into my eyes Jeanie.. what happened?
I am .. I am afraid.
Afraid of what?
Afraid of inevitable, afraid of unknown, afraid of myself.
Oh Jeanie come here..you need not to be afraid of anything. See here.. give me your arms.. hold me tightly. ( whispering in her ears) Come .. come .. into my heart. You are secure here.
(She silently listens and let her negative emotions go out)
(After the Golden silence)
I am okay now. Thank you Casper.
Your welcome Princess (both smiles and look tenderly and affectionately at each other)
(She suddenly bursts out into a laugh)
You look beautiful when you laugh.
hmm.. I know.
May God bless you.
God bless you too.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

What if ???


I don't know I am in so & so mood and I really need to write something --- Believe me I don't know what I am writing or why? But I just want it to write... I think its a confession or probably its a serene reflection or dunno... I want to be in church , kneeling before God , repeating my prayers - God please gimme peace.. please gimme peace.. . I want to talk to Father , I want to feel his filial touch....
In a confession box - Im thinking all this but not able to confess --
What if I would have succeeded in committing sucide ?
What if He would have not come at the right time in my life ? - Oh I am thankful of that Angel who came and saved me.. and then silently went away...
What if .... I were not as I am now? I am so changed...
Why I am always seeking something?? What if I never get it in my life?
What if all my fears are true and I will have to lead an obscure life?
Noo..... I should not think like this. Its not the right way. I have to be normal in order to live a normal life. But I really don't want to lead a normal life. I love my fears , my thoughts , my failures , my happiness, I love myself and love to talk to myself. Whatever! I think I am out of senses.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Lets Discuss -

Lets have a discussion!!!

As I am lucky to have adequate time for myself and between studies and important works I get ample of time to think . So I got this weird thought and I decided to post it on my blog to get more interesting views of people on it. Please who-so-ever visits my blog ; specially those few friends who have been very kind to me and encouraged me alot over my stupid thoughts ; contribute your ideas and thoughts.

Now-a-days most countries support the practise of monogamy but earlier we had the system of polygamy and it was legalised too. What will happen if in today's world or in india polygamy becomes a frequent practise and it becomes lawful? For instance , you marry two persons and live with one with your wish and you can also spend quality of good time other. Wow! Isn't it a weird idea but however I find it very cool llolzz.!!! well Isn't it better than having an extra-marital affair? Well all this stupidity aside , tell me what imporovements do you think are most requsite for our matrimonial system and what do you think in future it will be like , as so many changes have occured in marriage system in last few years both socially and legally.

Well for marriage and relationship I believe in these lines -
Na umra ki seema ho,
Na janma ka ho bandhan ,
Jab pyar kare koi ,
Toh dekhe keval man..... :)

Just 4 lines~

Trying to be emotionless
And so I will become a stone
But a new one
In an old shop.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Personal Space

3.9.9

[One hour has been passed since we are talking]
Can you define love, Jeanie?
It is very difficult but what I feel is that true love is , capability to sacrifice you happiness for your beloved's happiness. Love is a blend of pain and pleasure.
(after a little awkward pause) hmm.. I am all ears to you . Pray speak!
I have said what I think about love.
OK Can you define sex?
Well! Without love sex is just an excercise and with the feelings of love , passion , respect it gives divine pleasure and it reaches to the point of Spiritual union.
Even I think this way.
I know.
I am not surprised that you know what I feel. (smiles)
I love talking to you and exploring you . Its just like living in a fictious world where you are getting to know a novel's character.
Yeah very true! May be our souls are made of one thing or just a part of it is same.
hmm... Casper what prevents you to love me?
We belong to different worlds.
And?
I do not fall easily in love.
Me too ( smiles) Well then cheers and please dont talk about falling in love . Remember if you want to know that you love someone or not check yourself that are you rising , developing in mind and heart or falling.If you are falling then its not love. for sure. (smiles and with a tone of urgency) Its too late .Go to sleep. Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Personal Space

3.9.9

Are we in love Casper?
No I don't think so.
Then why are you so kind to me.
I just like you and your thoughts.
But it doesn't mean you have to treat me kindly.
I know you have been ill-treated in your past but I assure you that I will treat you gently.
Oh Casper! you are too good to me.
No , I am just the way I am.
Oh yeah! that's true. You are too cold and distant. Aren't you? You are the same since i saw you first.
Hmm... Good observation.
Oh leave aside your mind for sometimes please.
(smiling) Ok. Do you want to kiss me?
I want to hug you ... tightly.
Then hug me..... ( After the Golden Silence)
Casper, now you go.
I want to be with you.
I know but you must go.
Why?
Because the charm will soon fade away. (after a pause) ( with trembling lips) You dont love me and ... neither I love you.
Yes that's true. OK I will go.
Wait! ( almost saying to herself) I love you.
Did you say anything?
Yes. Goodbye!
Goodbye.

The Seeker

From RD's feb issue , 2009
http://www.rd.com/your-america-inspiring-people-and-stories/helping-orphans-in-nepal/article108829-2.html

There was an article in Reader Digest's feb issue about a man who dared to think beyond himself. Conor Grennan is a 32yr old American social worker. Grennan is a son of an Irish poet and American professor, he had grown up in Poughkeepsie, New York and graduated from the University of Virginia with a political science degree. After nearly a decade working for international NPO such as the East West Institute, a think tank in Prague, he was eager to trade in his briefcase for a backpack. During some volunteer work along the way, he thought he would enrich his travels, and a french-run orphanage just south of Kathmandu had welcomed his offer to help. But once he reached there and saw those 18 poor children who were lost during Civil War in Nepal. Grennan had never been with kids before and so it was a unique experience for him , he was really amazed to see the poor and loveless life of these children.

Grennan went on with his plan to roam around the globe but he promised the kids that he would come back after an year and he really came back in 2006 , after circling the globe.

He was resolute to helo these childrenin some or the other way and finally he decided that he would go in search of the parents of these children. Trekking in this region of nepal was really a difficult job but he was determined and managed everything well.

Since his first trip tomountains, Grennan and his partners have reconnected 125 lost children with their families ; about 20 have returned to their villages.
Personally speaking , Grennan inspires me alot. Its very true that - There are two great days in a person's life - one when he was born and other when he discovers why. Live with a high purpose in life and then you will understand what is true hapiness , peace and satisfaction. :)

Dream

Dream

Achilles ! you are brave
And braver still
You can freez the death
Or kiss it instead
But do you have a heart
To feel the death in your arms
Cold hands of beloved in your palms
I dream of such romantic death

Just one moment comes of bliss in life
I want it to be my last moment
Where I am lying in the arms of my love
On our last kiss I utter his name with God's
I smile and in his eye he has a tear
But bravely he whispers in my ear
We will meet again I have faith
I dream of such romantic death.

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JLT

I WISH I could listen to what you had to say.