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Showing posts from 2012

its like this ...

"so how did you celebrate the day?"
" I slept, I watched movies and I spent rest of the time talking to myself"

"talking about wat?"
"talking about how long is the way, how plenty of time is left, and what am I going to do with dat tym."

"hmm..and what  are you going to do wd dat tym?"
"I am going to celebrate." 

P.S. - you know wat , each time I want to celebrate with you, I am left alone, I am left with myself. Life is not so much like the picture in my mind. Its plain and grey. But I have got colors in my mind, dats d whole beauty, dats d whole problem. But believe me, today is imp, I dont want to look back and feel I wasted it while I could have done much more. Before it strikes 12 , I am gonna make a memory, You are late though. But I will tell you wat I did, the day you come in my life...  Waiting for you ...

What! Celebrate it , it wont come again in dis life !

So , this is special haan?? 12.12.12 
Lemme tell you  - I need a hangover and a crazy laugh !
Was that me who was partying whole night, who had her moments, her crushes, her secrets, her night outs, her life? Was that me who knew how to celebrate by herself? who loved dancing ?
I will be here tonight. Just watch out ! I won't let the day go ;)

The Warrior Princess #1

She couldn't believe what she heard, "What! no weapons? and only a band of fighters?"  The Warrior Princess looked down. For a moment, the world seemed all Black. She took a deep breath and told herself, it is fine, we will go with it.
She came out of her camp and looked at a little gathering of fighters, keeping aside her own nervousness, she spoke out first time after accidently being the Princess of a small hilly state, " Warriors! Friends! I know we don't have enough weapons, You know it too, but....But the enemies don't know. Show them we have everything , even those  which they don't have. Show them Courage. Let confidence be your edgiest weapon. Warriors ! Remember ! Not Giving Up, is your another weapon. Now lets go with it and we will see what happens.".....

what's on her mind : S.J.

She walked that night silently till the Shade from where she could see the reflection of moon in the water.
The water looked purple. Moon light reflected in it but the whole picture wasn't as she imagined it would be. Ah..does it ever like that, She thought. It was quiet. But she wasn't alone. Lots of candles were floating in the water. It was not dark like always. She wondered... what has happened to her. Why she is... how could she take it all so lightly... She now turned left and looked at the reflection of lamp lights in water. It is always so easy not to fight with your heart... just let things be...let things happen...but would then, let it go be as easy?
Disinterest. Indifferent. Thoughtless. Nothingness...a dying wish...a dying desire...

and if you ask her what's on her mind
she will tell you - just go away quietly (as quietly as you came in) ,
I am afraid... I am ...i won't be able to make it...

The door left ajar.

what's on my mind right now

Okay. If you ask me what's on my mind right now.
I will tell you, I am thinking about

Shopping :P

This TLC - What Not To Wear India (with Soha Ali Khan) has definitely made up my mind for bringing a drastic change in my Style. Thank you TLC ;)

And yes, I am ready to Experiment with clothes. Actually, I am dying to do that...

Check out this -


P.S. - When would I begin to live life, God! :O  
Life! get me out of here! 


" You believe, its me?"

"Yes I believe its you."


"... Of late I have come to know,
the many ways 
of bearing the pain


It happens with some witches. They leave their dark rooms to see the light. Not because they dont love their darks anymore, they just fall in love with the light.

Witches? About whom you are talking about Grand dad? 

Oh.. none... just a girl I met manyeee...years Ago.

A girl? Was she your girl friend?

Haha.. no ... she was not that type. No one could bound her in any relation what so ever. She was her own Princess... would only follow the voice of her heart ...

...and... did you love her? not the love. Perhaps it was something else. ...she scared me sometimes... she was so powerful...

Grand dad tell us more about her please. Did she look beautiful? Did she have long hairs like Rapunzel? Did she have some magical powers? Tell us please...

Wait..... I told you. She was a witch. A beautiful witch. And yes she had powers. She could tell... what is in your heart...she could see your dark side. 
She lived in the town. Near my house. But once in every month she would visit a cave in the mo…


V - "...but you told me..."

J -  " yes... I did. Because I can lay bare my heart to you. I am not afraid, what you would think, perhaps all I care about is... always, forever, we would find something to admire about in each other..."

S.J. - losing in the arms of sleep

She wore a black scarf today. It was not his death anniversary... she just... she wanted a Change. She didn't bring tulips for him today... she picked few roses.. particularly red ones... and put them at his pillow side... 'no it isn't too is lovely...' in months, today she felt like speaking to herself. Today she opened her old diary. 
"... i am lost i am lost i am lost... but then, if i am lost, did i know i was on the right way? and if not, what matters if i am truly lost... i might land on the right way now..."
Does happiness always feel far away? in the past? or in the future, you would never visit? She tried to concentrate. There were so many places that gave her happiness. She tried to visualize one... what she wanted now?...umm... friends? party? hang-outs? beaches? resorts? long drive? mountains?... did she wanted to be alone? or to be with him? ... with him.. but that should not break her in parts.. she should feel herself... yes...she …

Day 1-4 of my 12 Day Round Trip

Wao ! We had no plans. Just a faint line at the horizon that we could meet. But wao ! we finally met - a Banasthali get-together at Jaipur. It was amazing. Six of us - and just laugh about everything. :P Missing friends. Without them - Life is not so much a Fun... :)

Day 4-8 - of my 12 Days Round Trip

These five days were as if a Giant Tsunami wave roared in the sky to devour whole city but just another moment leaps back in the water and disappears. Yes, the wheel took a sharp U-turn and unexpectedly I landed on Krishna janm-bhumi on my fourth day of trip. So, isn't it, when God calls you to his Court even your wish doesn't matter at all? I was Called. I felt a ripple of secrete joy within me. I was thrilled. I wondered, if it was not me but God who was curious to see me? If I was not simply a bhakta but a guest, invited honorably.

Whatever it was, it was one of the most memorable trips. The five day excursion to Mathura and Vrindavan. I am filled to the top.

Days 10-09 - of 12 days Round Trip

They say, you can enter a temple only when God calls you. The dictum was in the core to my Trip. I didn't thought of, I didn't plan and yet I could make to almost all temples, everywhere.

Specially, I am gladly surprised that I get to visit Maha Lakshmi Temple in Indore and get to attend Maha Lakshmi puja next day. Isn't it all a Happy Surprise? Or just my mind playing a game with me? But all in all, I love change and it was indeed a pleasant change. :)

# Day 11- of 12 days Round Trip

This day became a milestone in my life. I read one of the most influential books of the world  - The Book of Nothing - Osho's commentaries on Zen master Sosan.

Days before I had set on the journey, my mom had asked me to meditate and ask God, what is my purpose?
After reading this book, I laughed at myself, because I always knew and yet it last few years of Material Race had made me blind to it.

"The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences."

Months before I had set on the journey, my mind had been clogged with the worldly game of Misery. I had forgotten my Wisdom- and my Heart's Voice, which would always speak Clearly in childhood. Remember, when heart speaks, Mind-logic are always wonderfully Silent.

" Do not search for the truth; only cease to hold opinions "

The whole day I was lost into Nothingness. A kind of Ecstasy , that even most beautiful words fail to express. And after that, slowly, softly, without noise, my life took a reverse …

# Day 12 - Of 12 days Round Trip

Yesterday I was in the company of my two Great Little Cousins , a two year old Gargi and a ten year old Soumna. Both are the example of "Ek se badh kar Ek" :D No seriously, Man, Gargi snatched my mobile and began to play, "Hello...hello... yeah baby main parlour me hoon. Bye." and I was like - :-O a big 'O' . 
Then Soumna began to chatter about how a thief entered their home and took away her mamma's purse. "Imagine ! the purse itself was for 700 bucks," said she and I was again like... Aww... :D  ... gosh... the kids are kids are kids...they can make ur mind cocktail and you yourself a 'dogtail'. They can make you a peanut, they can bring out all nuts from ur head, they can just give you shots one by one and you would feel so Lost at times... But at the end of the day I realized, how Adult I had become, why on earth I had forgotten there is a channel called Disney which plays Cinderella and Mermaid, there are other games than truth an…

I know where's my heart

I need a fresh start
I know where's my heart
its been spinning n whirling
n going round n round
it has been lost n found

I know where's my heart
its with the playing butterflies
its with his unspoken lies
its floating on an ice
its paying some price

I know where's my heart
I can trace it leaving my soul
And going to the meadows
Free fields, lands of sorrows
and that of Joy untold

Do you know,
There is bird in the red-corner,
Who hates and loves
its own small world o' cage,
She could die someday unknown
Having a dream in her heart to Fly
And she pricks out her own feathers each day.
Each day !
She needs to know she is alive

The Mud

You can find it strange may be,
But I love a little vulgarity
Like, I love so much of divinity.
Yes, you can say, that's common,
But that's not my point,
I find it strange,
That I like it more when I say it,
When I celebrate my Knowing -
of the fact, that both are Me,
And I had been same
Dangling in my imbalance,
Over years and years ;

I remember that from our childhood -
The Lotus and the Mud
Both are inseparable,
Tied in a mystic bond,
And he says, "We need the Mud
in order to make the Lotus".

                         Some Questions are better Unanswered (~ V)


Happiness means being close to the one you Love, that's all.

(The Museum of Innocence; Orhan Pamuk)

Memories are important.
(Vampires Diary, season I)

its so easy to fall

My life is just like the chess game
I deliberately choose on the Black Squares
Even, when I know I would lose the game.

My life is like a snake-ladder game
I deliberately choose on the snake ones
Even, when I know I would Fall.

its so easy to fall
just leave the hold
and you are down , there
people throw a glance at you
and care no more
its just a part of walking,
playing, trying, living, 
all -ing...
the good thing is - you are still Moving.

Moving , leaving the grip, the hold, 
Falling down, standing up, start moving
the actual problem begins - when you stop 
Moving at all. 
There is some grace in Falling down too, 
But there is no grace in standing still. 

Just like that

V - What you do when you feel lonely.
J - I never feel lonely now...
(whispering to herself) I have sleepless nights, some of those that scare death out of me and I feel I should have died long ago...

It would be so sad
to know what sadness is,
let us , oh dear! just
float on the surface now
we will know
what depth is within us

Blackness Within

I will do that again
I know I will
In some near future
I will take a step back -
Turn my back on you.

I had a glimpse today
Of that rare image -
two heads, two bodies
And a Soul
Divided into Two.
I am not what I am Or
What I may be
I am all
What I have been and will be...
I am afraid , you see...
I rather be alone
And suffer on my own
in my desire to be with you
And oh its a shame! I need to be away...

Something.. its rather... not so shameful
to show your body
than your Desires... The whole Blackness within
Layer on to layer , the surface...

All you need is
Someone who tells you,
"Its just a bad dream, perhaps."

I dunno why, amidst all this uncertainty, I am still happy... :) Ty Anon!

Love for Anonymous

Just by chance, I landed on a beautiful blog and there ... 
Blogger - Always so much love on this blog best filllowrs ever :))) love you too!!’
P.S. - I apologize to use this conversation here, but I just couldn't help after reading numerous comments by Anonymous. He is... cute :) reminiscent of... my anonymous :)

just three letters

All I see about me is just three letters :


A Curse

I could just speak to myself ! For, even they gaze me with a Blankness They do not hear
Me ; I heard I was a curse.

Above -
The basket of glimmering pearls
That twinkles to tell me
Its true - the angel hurls.
The angels ! oh !
Was I ever a believer?

It would be even worse
Not to believe
in your existence I doubt
But truly, I suffer more
When I doubt.
So be it-  I accept I am a curse
And suffer in my 'embraced doubt'
For the pain is love
the loss, pain...
And wait is eternal - 
Who teaches a lot..


They think
I sacrificed 'They are too naive' I think.
Or I am too naive in thinking that? 
An angel appeared last night in my dream and asked , " why you roam alone in this land of love where's love is all and an end?"
I, out of my wits tossed and turned in my bed just as I was about to make a wish The angel disappeared.

A moment of Life, for its own sake...

" Are you still with some fears? " I couldn't ask helping myself today. I looked into the mirror that had a little cute plate dangling to it - My World. I am changed... those eyes... those front little freaks of hairs... I am much changed.. or may be its just an Illusion. I read her words - each letter expressed the Fear - of  loneliness, of deceit , of a new beginning. I could feel an affinity to those words - affinity that's past. Again, I looked into the mirror and found myself saying - I am changed. Or may be its just for the present. I was without fear. What's not there - is meant to be not there. Its simple. And expecting something to be there - so that it would kill my fears - is nothing but a bad idea to kill that fear. To bring the light, you don't do something with the darkness, you do something with the light. 

A blessing is the moment when you have Nothing to lose, No expectation to gain, and yet you are happy within. A pearly happiness that shin…

Long moments

There are some most beautiful moments
when in the emptiness of things around me,
I want to flirt with myself.
I know I have chosen it
to coax me, to make myself do the things,
I would not like to do otherwise.

There are some most beautiful moments 
when I do things
and I know I want to do it.
I can keep doing it again and again,
until I am tired, like a moth
circling around its own prize,
and decide not to do it anymore.

there comes some long moments of brief silence.


For a long time they remained Silent.
He glanced at her and knew. She was not there.
With her gaze, fixed at Nowhere, she had moved miles. She had transcended. 

Forcing the words out...

It is about those days when I was posting so madly - 5-6 posts each day. Almost blabbering , as if , its not a blog , its my closest friend. So it is, but... that's Insanity.

Then I prayed fervently, that I would stop writing so frequently, letting my each thought out and having them laugh at me or probably worry about my sanity or rather feeling a thin sympathy, which I would have hated most.
I wished it so strongly that a time came when I got some control over me. Yes, I had to put some control, feeding my mind with movies and other stuff but... I did not write for a week, then ten days went by and I felt so happy. 
Today I am unhappy. I want to write - having so many thoughts running in my mind - having so much to share , to tell , to ask - but I am Helpless. Feeling something like - Paralyzed. 
Its a tragedy I am being used to now. But I wish , Now, that one day someone would come and things would change.... I have experienced that Change once in my life. I want to experience…

'coz I wudn't disappoint myself

Memoirs of a Geisha

Memoirs of a Geisha ( Arthur Golden)

“Sometimes," he sighed, "I think the things I remember are more real than the things I see. ” 

“Waiting patiently doesn't suit you. I can see you have a great deal of water in your personality. Water never waits. It changes shape and flows around things, and finds the secret paths no one else has thought about.

“Those of us with water in our personalities don't pick where we'll flow to. All we can do is flow where the landscape of our lives carries us” 

“We can never flee the misery that is within us.” 

“An en is a karmic bond lasting a lifetime. Nowadays many people seem to believe their lives are entirely a matter of choice; but in my day we viewed ourselves as pieces of clay that forever show the fingerprints of everyone who has touched them.” 

“How many times already had I encountered the painful lesson that although we may wish for the barb to be pulled from our flesh, it leaves a welt that doesn't heal?” 

“It was …

A ray of hope

J :  Knock Knock who's there?
A man : A ray of Hope.
J :  Will you be there till end?
A man : I can't say, really, may be yes... but not too close.


It is offensive To tell someone That you are lonely.
It is almost like telling, 'You have cancer', Or If one is too lonely It would hurt more to hear it. It would almost hurt like hearing 'You are a whore, oh you pimp.' I don't know - - - but it seems so It would hurt more... More, like - the Embarrassment, on being asked by a beautiful girl,  whom you desired just a moment ago 'you are not working? Oh ! ' Or like-  the Pain of  'an old girl, old enough to get married', When a contriver is always,  Whispering in her mother's ears, "Did it get fix somewhere?"
It is offensive. You intrude in their lonely life and get out so casually as if it was some Museum Hallway. And they - being so polite, do not forget to wish you,  'Have a Good day, sir.'
P.S. - I can't help being poetic these days. It seems, it is the only friend I can speak to. No I am not lonely. But who isn't and who is... and does this all need an explanation? 


And there she sat
A mouth-full-of-sorrow,
hung low;
At twilight a flower knows,
not she?
It is the time to fall gracefully?
There she sat,
Under the fluorescent light of blue
In her decent clothes
With an old tabloid in her hands
She flipped the pages
and fixed her eyes at the most trifling story
And when someone asked,
'How are you?'
'I am happy', She replied,
Looking away,
Blurring all the meaning between.

What would it matter to you if I cease to exist or say if I disappear someday?

You would just look away with dry eyes and say to yourself, ' she was a nice girl , perhaps, I don't judge her but she was nice to me.'

On curse-ly gifted blogger and her blog

Oh. Its so disturbing to realize how subtlety your blogs are the mirror of your life.

I have five of them. I often create one and attempt to go on but fail, and fail terribly. I delete it. There is only one where I can go and cry if I have to. To whom I can tell my inner most dilemma and fears. But it has no constant reader. People come and stop by as if charmed by its snowy tops and deathlike beauty but they are afraid , perhaps, to stay for long, they pass by, perhaps adoring or just shrugging off. People who stop by are mostly of forgetful nature but the blog is not forgetful, not so much, it contains their aroma in little boxes. And the other blogs, well, they don't matter much, they are overlooked often. But it would be pain to delete them. They are there and the blogger is grateful for it, for they satisfy some urge of her, something of her Being. For her main blog, once in the beginning, she began a story , however changing amusingly during the periods, it sympathetically e…
There, today she went through few blogs and suddenly it dawned on her :

My blog is just like my life, people don't stay here for long.

All men are well-wishers !

Tess - " I didn't understand your meaning till it was too late."
Alec - "That's what every woman says."
Tess - "... Did it never strike your mind that what every woman says some women may feel?"
Alec (laughing) - "Very well... I am sorry to wound you. I did wrong - I admit it...
                           Well you are absudly melancholy, Tess. I have no reason for flattering you now, and I can say plainly that you need not be so sad. You can hold your beauty against any woman of these parts gentle or simple; I say it to you as a practical man and well-wisher. If you are wise you will show to the world more than you do before it fades ... "

And now that it is gone...

And now that it is gone,
I am too tired to think of it.
Was it love? or the Passion?
Or as you called it, lust?
Memories are but the dust.
That was the boredom, perhaps,
And we at the need of a fancy...
But now that it is gone
And I am too tired to think of it
And you too, not alone...

Exotic, Enchanting and Desirable

I might have lost much in the way
Yet I have the guts to walk till end.

source -
For a change I want to be myself. For a change I want to erase the present and go back in past where I was alone and my journey with others hadn't begun yet. For a change I want to act insane. don't want to think, what they would think. I want to be stubborn. I want to believe in impossible. I want to have silly dreams and talk about all which doesn't exist. For a change I don't want to be afraid to make friends. I don't want to think twice before I speak or resist to do what I feel. For a change - I don't want to be afraid.


"You are as beautiful as a rose", he had said that day and since then her story with roses began. It wasn't very dramatic but she thought of it often twisting and altering some parts and played it in her mind. She was in high school when first she got a rose on Valentine's Day. She threw it in the backwater but again it came back  to her after an hour. Roses are desirable but they are thorny. They demand too much of attention. And it so happened that on her next Valentine's Day, when her eyes tried to fight with morning sun rays, she spotted a bunch of four pretty roses beside her on her bed. She liked them, admired them, but they were devoid of fragrance. She wanted to keep them as long as they would stay. But undesirable things move out on their on. So they did too. And ... and there was one day, he asked, " what do you want." She wore a blank expression, not knowing what exactly she wants. "See! this outfit looks fab on you, try it." '…

She welcomed the rains...

And the Summer went on its way. She stood in silence at the window towards west , admiring the flowing river. Her sighs at the wonder. her smiles to herself, her chirping at the sound of rains tapping at roof , thus she welcomed the rains in her own way. Had she already forgotten the Summer? May be seasons knew her better than she thought she knew them. She knew them by their names, they knew her by her changing moods. Yesterday she spotted a Rainbow. What a gift of rains! so early ! and so Glorious. Next moment she received a message , there came floods in the north-east region.