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Goodbye

Expectations were filled in with air so the balloons did not raise high enough. But kids shrieking with joy, women excited to buy everything in exchange of their frustration, men trying to escape the  cacophony of busy mall and their mind, everything looked so unmistakably perfect on new year's eve.

She refused to wake up from this day dream. A voice still rang in her ears, " Don't play with Relationships." I am not, I am not... She closed her ears as if to shun all voices away. She checked her mobile. There was no New Year message. Surprised? She was not. She exhaled with utmost effort. Emptiness.  "I am going away ", She typed.

Erased. She could not say Goodbye. Even though, she did not intend to go anywhere.

Choices

In MCQs
When I had to choose
one among
A, B, C and D
And I didn't know the answer
I would close my eyes
And randomly put my finger
On any one
But would still go with
what my heart said next moment. Free will, destiny and Karma
Made me wonder
Whether choice matters?
Or do we always get to choose
When choices are available?
The matter of choice is
Just a matter of an illusion.
Or may be to some, like Frost,
And for those who take a step,
It makes all the difference.

Loneliness

He feels her
He describes...
He is honest about her
I look at him from distance
Fearing she might find me again
To be true, I know her
She is a childhood friend
But she became awkward with me
You... Understand...??
When such a mate becomes awkward
You need to run away from yourself. I sometimes
look back and realize
She wasn't all bad and I didn't
Need to feel guilty
It's just that the
childhood friends are weird
but are better secret keepers
than those
You discover later in life.
I love her, anyway
I will meet her soon.

Incredible Ingredients

Sitting on the bench of society's park, she looked at the hustle-bustle of children playing in the evening. "Didn't he speak to you today as well?" Granny was taken aback, as tiya whispered in her ears. "No", it came out from her deep experienced eyes fixed at nowhere. The sun was not in hurry today. The daylight seemed to crawl on the lush green carpet.The park was small but systematic with a couple of swings and slopes and a jogging track. People of the society enjoy their evening time in the park everyday. "Where are you granny?" said tiya shaking granny's fragile shoulders.
"My dear... I am listening to you."
"Why don't you teach mogu a good lesson? Shall I complain to dad about his rough attitude?"
"No tiya... He is only 11 yr old and he doesn't know what he is doing and why he is doing that."
"But he shouldn't talk to you that way Granny."
"I know my dear. You know what, my gr…

Moon and you

A little white
In the pool of darkness The moon reminds me of you
As you add a little extra sugar
To my tea everyday,
Because
I remind you of
Everything white. A little white
We are both to each other.
In the pool of darkness...

Absence

"Here is that photo", and he showed me the grand family photo of my parents and their son and daughter-in-law, in the middle of the decorated wall of living room. I felt a sudden suffocation in my throat. It was my absence from that photo, I thought at first. And then I suddenly realized I was not even informed of my brother's wedding. My parents had made an excuse that it was a very private affair and we left everything on the wish of couple. "Didn't you like it?" my brother interrupted my thoughts and I swallowed a lot more like cough, which you try hard to throw out but then suddenly you swallow it inside. I forced a quick smile and muttered, "Oh! I absolutely loved it."  And I had really loved the minute details it portrayed : the proud look of dad, the always-overwhelming look of mom, the stubborn look of brother and the not-really-so-submissive look of my sister-in-law. After a penetrated look at the photo, now I was relieved that I was abse…

Home

Sara stood at the tiny wooden gate of her parent's home. She looked around and inhaled a deep breath as if to tell herself, "nothing has changed." The sun was setting slowly behind the ugly walls of old  buildings. Children of all age were playing on the road. Elderly women were gossiping outside the mandir's otala (sitting area)."Oh!" her granny was also seated among the ladies. Trying to escape her glance and her unending awkward questions, she hopped inside that tiny gate. In a bustling house, full of inmates, could one remain unloved, lonely? No it was no time to think negative. She had come home after eight years and meanwhile she didn't stay in touch with any member except her little niece Neyu who wouldn't let her fall apart. Everybody formally asked her how she was. Her parents, though didn't break the ice yet. So she felt painfully chilled inside her body. During the evening tea and chatter, someone asked her in low voice, Maa and papa …

Restlessness

My eyes have tired
Looking for you krishna!
Vaidya says,
"there's no cure for
Such tired eyes",
He says, "Radhe !
There's no cure for restlessness." I close my eyes
And to my surprise
you are there !
"Have you gone too far?
Or have you come too close?
Your leela !
I don't understand, krishna!"There is much pleasure
In looking for you
With my tired eyes,
There is much fulfillment
Even in the restlessness.

Sin

How does a sin smell like?
Tell me,
'coz you ask me,
How did being adult happen?So,
Did you smell it in your 10th grade?
Or when you were in hostel
Away from home?I smelled it in my third grade
Was it early?
Was it then
I stepped into adulthood? The truth is
I never felt like a child
I never felt unsecured
I never felt ...
A thousand innocent things
I was always an adult
Mindful of the smell and taste and
...
Birth of a Sin.

A lie

You are a lie Snailing on my body Slow and slow  In circular motion Then you stop  At exact location  Changing colors In between  And shades too Of ur love You call it love?  I laugh inside  But remain untouched.  I become a lie With Each  Stroke  Of your finger.

Light House

I forgot everything
You said to me
Three years backI forgot even
How did we meet first
Or when and where?I forgot all
We did, share, dare
In past monthsI Remember only...
I Remember you
Only you...I Remember you
As a Light house
Standing tall
With a gleam of
Hope

Farhan

"How Farhan and Mom met?" "I told you Kyra, people always meet you through destiny. It is always the soul-connection that some people happen to come as if from nowhere and remain always close to your heart.""OKAY! And what happened next, tell me everything."The curious daughter of Sejal wanted to know everything right away. After all she was amazed to know that her mother is a friend of famous business tycoon Farhan Aziz. "" Well... They met through a common friend but they grew so fond of each other that our Sejal who would not open up to anyone would talk to Farhan for hours and hours. One day Farhan proposed her. But she chose another guy over him. They remained best friends as ever. Eventually they got married and had beautiful kids... See yourself. " And Namrita kissed Kyra on cheeks. "But mausi why mom refused him?" "I had asked her same question and she told me that...let me put it in her words. She said, ' I love …

Ambitious

Sheesham was in kitchen, counting the whistles of cooker, kneading the dough and boiling vegetable, all through she wondered why would there come days when she did not like to do anything at all.
It does happen with many people, yeah... But...
Sheesham saw her sisters, other acquaintances, elderly women...all seemed so self-satisfied. Could she be different? More self-indulgent? And one day, she was caught up with a word 'Ambitious'. She was reminded of all the heroines, fictitious and real, who were ambitious, who believed in their true worth.
That night she tried to speak to her husband. She said hesitantly, "I want to do something..." And she saw a huge, grand, leafy tree emerged, grew and grew so tall in the eyes of her husband... She closed her eyes with fear and wished earnestly not to become taller...as if to make them belittle in their eyes.
And, it's a sin to be tallest in the community of dwarfs, she told herself later.





Guilt

The other day
you talked about
Pets and strange names
So I too found a name
For my lil kitten

I named her Guilt.

When she broadens her
Big blue eyes
As if pleading
I feel so watery
I don't want her to leave
And she finds me anyway
To play the secret games,
We both are loyal.

I am loyal to my lil Guilt.
I am!

God chooses you

Have you ever wonder why members of the same family follow different Gods ?

Somehow I came to believe that it is the God that chooses us , and not the vice versa.

For instance, I believe, I was attracted towards Jesus , at the time of life, when I seriously needed  peace and acceptance. Later, I got attracted towards Krishna and I realized Duty is calling me. Whether I wish or not, I have to fulfill my duties in the society. Worshiping Krishna, keeping his ideal in front of me, helped a lot.

Likewise, I have seen those, who need to have patience during sufferings and struggle, get attracted towards Sai Baba. I guess, worshiping Sai Baba helps to go on during tough times, "Shraddha and Saburi", as the Mantra goes.

Haveyou seen it happening in your life? Does the God you worship , symbolizes the pattern of your life? It might be just a fancy, but I strongly believe in the fact that God chooses us.

(This is An old draft)

Same people

Sukriti reached her parent's home. She was furious to see her brother was standing out with packed bags. "You are not going anywhere." She ordered him.
"Its none of your business." He said curtly.
She looked at her paralyzed dad on wheelchair. "Who will take care of dad?"
"We can't stay here anymore. I will manage that anyway." She came back all broken and tired. She shared her concern for her brother and parents with a close friend. Who consoled her, " Do not worry, aren't you guys more peaceful now? So let them stay happy and peaceful too. "Sukriti could see herself from other side of the mirror now.

On reading old blog posts

From Last few days I had been reading my old blog posts and comments of old friends and I was like... Transported to an another world.Feeling so great to have met amazing people in my life. These posts and their comments are treasure to me. Thank you all for touching my life like a sunshine in million ways.

Conditioning

I am old-fashioned. This is I am...
(silence)...
I think... I should go now...
... Its conditioning. You know!
Yes I know, but this is me, at least in present...
Okay...---I didn't ask, will we ever meet?
But he said, indirectly, in reincarnation.

Waiting Room

An in-law joint family looks like an over crowded platform. And when you are in the common hall, it feels like, you are in the waiting room. Too Careful not to disturb anyone and attentive if anyone is observing you. In waiting room, you dream about your destination. You want to make friends, talk about your dream destination, but every one seems so aloof, lost in their day-dreams or rather enjoying the waiting period with friends. You remain lonely, because you are attached to your dream destination, it's air, its feel, its touch, that you are truly never a part of the waiting room, but you are already almost there, at your dream destination.

A cuckoo and an Eagle

That day, by chance or by destiny, a cuckoo and an Eagle met. Looking her sad, he asked - why are you sad?
She : They say, I sing well.
He : Then you can reach very high.
She : We are born without wings.
He : They told this and you believed them?
She : Do we have any other choice? He smiled, he roared high, he thought about her for years, he thought, " How to free her from the invisible chains?"

Red

Everyone in the room whispered in each other's ears that what a misfortune it was to become a widow in mid-forties. Ladies came, soothed her. Elderly widows talked about their own experiences and how the life is finished after the death of husband. She covered in dark colored sari, stayed quite for almost whole day. Amongst the common chatter of ladies, her thoughts would wander again and again and she would begin to think, "Would I never be able to wear a red sari?" "And eat out and party and laugh and...?" Red was her favorite color, like yellow and pink.

My Krishna

When I saw
What was not given to me
I complained to you
When I saw
What was given to me
I praised you
Was I not enlightened,
When I praised you
Was I not you
When I tried to be yours
Was I not found by you
When I was lost

I am only yours
My Krishna!
I am only yours! 

Squirrels

Squirrels run into my mind,
Shrieking with joys
Of companionship
They hit my pc, run over
The table full of trivial things
The world does not matter
For them
Then what does?
They don't tell me
When they are together
They go wild
Forgetting
the surrounding
Forgetting themselves
Forgetting about love too. Squirrels don't love
They enjoy
Being with each other.

Conversation

In the counselor's cabin :"I am Sujal. My wife and I have decided to opt for a divorce. But our friends suggested to seek some advice before quitting like this. So I am here." "And your wife?" "She doesn't believe in counseling thing." "Okay. What is it that brought you guys to make such a crucial decision?" " I have got tired of her complaints. She thinks we are poles apart and can not stay happy together." "I understand you completely. I want to ask you something. Do you both talk?" "Yes." "About what?" "Food, household stuff, work, kid, necessities of life.." "Being the closest relation on earth, have you ever talked about life, love, relationship, sex, values, dreams, your deepest emotions, fears, faith, God and alike? " ummm.. No... No we have never talked about these things. "" Now I would advice you to go home and have a conversation with your wife about anythin…

Pista

As soon as her mother saw her, she brought out a container of Pista saying, " whenever I see pistas I remember you a lot, how much you would eat it moni specially during Diwali, have it, it's for you."
"Oh no... I don't want," said moni being a little disconnected.
"Why? You have to finish it. It's for you." the weight in mother's voice was so much that she felt more disconnected now and began to wonder Where's the love for pista has disappeared? There were so many things she had loved before her marriage. May be, this is the way it happens with everyone. Old love fades away into a still world, where the memory of that love is freezed forever.
Now she ate Pista, not out of her love for it but because her mother remembered.... That she loved pista.

The call

One squirrel got trapped in my room. But she must have been enjoying there too, because though another squirrel, who might be her better-half, tried to call her, but she refused going out. The game was continued from so many days now. He would call her by persuading, shouting, showing his care and love and would do everything for her, but she would come for him till the door, and rush back again inside. What do I do then? I leave it to her destiny.
Let her decide, he whispered from another world.

Waiting

"I have got irritated of that bloody rascal." Vicky popped up. "Shut up he is mentally ill, leave him alone," I said. A few days later Vicky couldn't stop himself and went to that old man who had long ruffled dry hairs, deep eyes and insufficient clothes on his body. He asked him what was he doing here. The man replied looking gravely at him, " I am waiting. " Vicky got taken aback and asked him again what was it madman? He again said soberly, "sometimes food, sometimes clothes, sometimes sleep, sometimes sense..." As he heard the madman's words, Vicky thought he was really ill, he returned back, and as he took a few steps, the madman called him and shouted, "What are you waiting for, aye?" And the madman laughed, for he knew, he knew that he was no exception in the world full of Sane people.

Belonging

Her 3 year old son was collecting all balloons before his birthday party began. One by one, he had all balloons out in the sky from their apartment balcony.She asked her son, though not angrily, "Why did you do that?""They would reach higher in the sky than in the room, hai na mummy?""Oh yes, my son, they do not belong to here." said she, feeling a pang in her heart.

Miserable

"I am waiting for their season to get over. How excited I am to spend time with him."
 As her sis-in-law said that, she remembered, four years she had waited for the season to get over, to spend time together, to shop, to travel, to love life, to fulfill dreams, to just be... And had been miserable when life reminded same as ever.
Now she didn't want his season to get over, for she loved his absence, for she would be miserable if he spends his time with her.

Fear

"Have you ever seen fher?"
"Yes, she was there, sitting in a group of four-five, chatting, laughing, cracking jokes.... but... with a cautious attention and heavy breathing as if someone is watching over her every minute every second..."
"I was talking about Fear."
"I was talking about Fear only. Look at her, and you would know."

Trust

"No I know you won't be able to retain your trust on me." I sobbed.
"I still trust you and I will always." he said calmly. Beautiful lies are like twinkling colorful lamps hung outside in the balcony, attractive yet have a gloomy air about them. I saw him checking my mobile. I trusted his words, he didn't mine.

A Lie

"Are you husband and wife?" asked the hotel receptionist. "Yes." He replied giving a winning look to his wife. That look she hated most. That attitude she despised, of having been owned by someone. She would have been proud of his feelings, had it been for some another day, another time, another state of things. But... "so... Did you like the room?" "Yes. Its nice." "I am going out for tea, would you want some?" "No, I will take some rest." She forced a smile.The relief of being alone was utmost. She looked out of the window and found the sun still hanging at horizon. It was a picturesque scene. She felt like being in a movie, her chaotic mind and serene nature stood in contrast with each other. She wanted to but couldn't appreciate nature's beauty at present. She felt a little away from what was in front of her. Everything. Why did he say that? Why would he say, "I trust you. And will always do." Even thoug…

Krishna

Wasn't he you who became my darkness?
Wasn't he you who brought a new dawn to me?
 Wasn't he you who was a barren land of my heart? Wasn't he you who sown fruits of inspiration in me?
Was't he you who witnessed my sins? Was't he you who was with me all through?
Wasn't he you who was my stark loneliness? Wasn't he you who became Love like a bliss in my heart?

JLT

I dont regret anything in my life.
I dont regret even meeting you.
Rather, i would have regretted more
If i had not experienced this bliss with you.

S. J. - A Period

Does destiny bring you to a period? Or Can a period change the course of your destiny?She thought her head will explode with tons of thoughts that weighed her down to lunacy. Being at times so restless she would tell him, "I m not feeling good, i m so restless, I am so upset..." N so n so but she didn't tell him, she was afraid she knew it was wrong. She was afraid to lose this happiness and surprising love. That she felt a distance from her Krishna. That she was in unknown unspoken fear all the time. That day (ikadashi) she had asked Krishna to take the course of her life in His hands. Before next day, He had done so. After that night, she woke up a new person. She had chosen a path of " austerity and penance." She chose silence over fights. Peace over love. Stupor over life. There left only one purpose to live : Pass this lifetime in Krishna consciousness and fulfill the duties assigned by Him. But will you wait at the end?
But will you remain like the most s…

My fears

Love and longing

Wait

The Fact

My reader

During my college days, surfing and smelling the old books, in the huge library, I would want to discover a forgotten writer and enjoy the freedom to fall in love with him /her. And when I began to write, I wondered, fancied, someday somebody would discover my forgotten work and secretly would fall in love with me.Weird dreams find strangest ways to get fulfilled.  With time my fancy turned into a crazy dream. As I maintained this blog, I secretly wished to have a reader, who someday discovers my words and falls in love with me....And they say, " kisichiz ko shiddatsechaaho to puri kaaynat use aapsemilaane me lag jatihai." P. S. - I am lucky to have you, my reader.

My Blind Date with Unexpected

The journey of love takes you to the unexpected, always. Because it gives you courage to  overcome your fears and fly over trivial weaknesses of your mind, body and soul. Love takes you to the unknown depths of your soul, shows a mirror to your deepest emotions and calls on to a flight higher than your expectations.
P. S.  - With you, I have been to many places, I have never been before. With you, I have loved myself, as I have never done before. With you, I am myself, I hope you too. I love you.



With you
You take me to the places
No one has taken me before
To the strangest architecture
Of myths around the world
To the deeper and deeper
Meanings of words and thoughts
shared between us
To the myriad creations
Of unusual exceptional artists
To the thrilling flavors n aromas
Of beauties of entire world
To the pricks and cramps
Of love and longing
To the high tide oceans
Of desires never fulfilled ... And
I am awed to see how
varied signs appear and inter- play
To form a fresh…

Radha

As the bluish hue of dawn
Looks her glimpses into the
Somber  face of yamuna
O krishna! Radha weeps
For there has come another
Long Weary day without you
O krishna! Radha weeps
For due to her silly chores
She missed out on your call
She missed to drink the magic tonight
As the bluish hue of dawn
Turns into the pale light of day
O krishna! Radha hides her tears
And fills her vessels with water
For there has come another
Long Weary day without you
O krishna!
O krishna!
O krishna

JLT

The night was a sleepless night for Jeanie. She was surrounded by the ghosts of memories. In the morning, she came out to breathe in fresh air, she saw it was drizzling. The greenery around soothed her eyes and she saw a huge tree holding close to his heart a creeper. She smiled at herself, her love filled heart, her joys and wishes, and her liveliness.

Life is not just a coma or a period, it is also an Ellipsis...

P.S. I love you ! Soulmates

Jeanie : In moments of Crisis, can you think of love?

W : When else would you need it most?

Jeanie : Can I call you Warrior, W seems so far.

W : You can call me anything. I am open to all new names, new lives, new experiences.

Jeanie : New Soulmates? (Laughs)

W : Nah! Soulmates are Soulmates because their Souls know each other well since many lives back. So they are practically never new to each other.

Jeanie : Ah! so.. you think you can have many Soulmates in one life?

W : Yes. You can have many Classmates in one Class, so why not many Soulmates in one life? There is a big difference between a Life Partner and a Soulmate. You know that, don't you?

Jeanie : Yeah, I got your point.

W : And still you are afraid to Tell it to yourself?

Jeanie : No... I am not afraid of anything except Losing the Charm of Unsaid Words.



P.S. I love you !

Jeanie : Can we have more than one soulmates in our lives? 
W     :   Depends.
Jeanie :  On what?
 W    : On your understanding of Soulmates. 
Jeanie :What is a Soulmate to you? 
:  A Soulmate would be one who inspires n ignites in me a Man I haven't seen yet. And for you?
Jeanie : He would be a Man who would treat me not as a woman but a Soul burning with Dreams, Visions and a Fire of inaccessible love. 

Love

Is it over?
Have you left?
Won't you ever come again?

Radha kept asking such questions
To yamuna, to kadamb, to gopi,
To gwaals, to yashoda, to murli,
To all and all
To herself . . .
Until she knew one day
Krishna was herself
Nobody has gone anywhere
And at last,
Love is not an illusion.


Blogging

Today I have gone back a few years when I used to live in a pg. I am remembering those nights when I would stay awake at late nights just to write a few blogs. I would not mind anyone reading them or no. I was in love with myself, my creativity.

Thanks to blog, I can be myself sometimes.
Love you loads