Just b-e-l-i-e-v-e!

What was that animal, who , at the sight of a little gleam, would again hide into its shell?  So was it last night's dream? When the only name rang in my ear was of Irom Sharmila? And I woke up perspiring, wondering why her name is echoing in my secret chambers of sleep? No one can enter here easily, without having a relation to my unconscious, without having a strong tie to my past or irresistible desires... There is a girl, who was a rebel. There is a girl, who was self-centered. There is a girl, who believed in super-natural powers. There is a girl who refused the present life and believed in an after-life. There is a girl, who became dreamy. Inclined towards Journalism. There is a girl, who then turned to home. Celebrated the pious simple life of love and care. There is a girl, who became Spiritual. Yearned for a spiritual life and solitude. There is a girl who at the brink of 'Spiritual Escape' faced a harsh wind of Social Reality. There is a girl, who stands at t...

Guess what! from a long time I am acutely missing two things very much from my childhood memories of myself. One, I had been so powerfully imaginative, that if I imagined I am a british dancer, I would become so in my most sensible moments. Second, I could create happiness. I remember once, was it birthday or Valentine's day or New Year I don't remember, but I had no one around, and I so much wanted to celebrate  the day, what I did was- woke up at twelve around, turn on the night lamp, brought my fav cake pieces, I hummed my fav songs, danced, laughed, imagined things and lived the moment fully. I could create happiness then !

Alright , I guess I am in terrible mood to talk today. And guess what, I have come out of something. An irritating feeling, that someone is watching over you , watching over all your acts, no I am not a psychopath but it is about the blog. I don't like the feeling that I am being read. Yes I am among those few, who prefer solitude over "being together all the time". Because once you allow someone to enter into your zone, either you are trapped emotionally, or you make a fool out of yourself. Blog has made me meet so many people. And I am someone who can't be rude to you, be it whatever. So, I allow people to enter into my territory, which actually makes me more conscious, and takes away my freedom of being myself. But now, no more of that trap. I had forgotten one thing, I am capable of making a human relation with in-human things. And oh my blog ! we share a very very different relation. I can't allow anyone to walk in between us. Moreover, everything I share wi...

hi... I dunno if I am writing a letter or addressing someone standing there! I am just perhaps...no its a monologue I guess... but then it is you, my blog, and it is me. I am sorry. I am feeling as if we have only a relation till I am depressed and I have no one there to talk to. But it isn't really. The truth is, I am lost at present. So many things are going and I am not able to find any satisfactory answer or say, I am not able to talk to myself about it. Yes.. that's it. You know at this moment, what I would love to do, to have this home with me for whole day, to start a novel, to pen down my thoughts. I guess, I know what's wrong with me. I am not able to pen down my thoughts in form of a story or poem. So many thoughts, emotions, experiences have piled up, and I need to express them that way. But I don't find solitude. If I ask myself, what I did today, gawd, I didn't do anything that gives pure satisfaction. No, yes, I welcomed guests, I spend time listening...

" Are you still with some fears? " I couldn't ask helping myself today. I looked into the mirror that had a little cute plate dangling to it - My World. I am changed... those eyes... those front little freaks of hairs... I am much changed.. or may be its just an Illusion. I read her words - each letter expressed the Fear - of  loneliness, of deceit , of a new beginning. I could feel an affinity to those words - affinity that's past.  Again, I looked into the mirror and found myself saying - I am changed. Or may be its just for the present. I was without fear. What's not there - is meant to be not there. Its simple. And expecting something to be there - so that it would kill my fears - is nothing but a bad idea to kill that fear. To bring the light, you don't do something with the darkness, you do something with the light.  A blessing is the moment when you have Nothing to lose, No expectation to gain, and yet you are happy within. A pearly happiness tha...

It is about those days when I was posting so madly - 5-6 posts each day. Almost blabbering , as if , its not a blog , its my closest friend. So it is, but... that's Insanity. Then I prayed fervently, that I would stop writing so frequently, letting my each thought out and having them laugh at me or probably worry about my sanity or rather feeling a thin sympathy, which I would have hated most. I wished it so strongly that a time came when I got some control over me. Yes, I had to put some control, feeding my mind with movies and other stuff but... I did not write for a week, then ten days went by and I felt so happy.  Today I am unhappy. I want to write - having so many thoughts running in my mind - having so much to share , to tell , to ask - but I am Helpless. Feeling something like - Paralyzed.  Its a tragedy I am being used to now. But I wish , Now, that one day someone would come and things would change.... I have experienced that Change once in my...

Oh. Its so disturbing to realize how  subtlety your blogs are the mirror of your life. I have five of them. I often create one and attempt to go on but fail, and fail terribly. I delete it. There is only one where I can go and cry if I have to. To whom I can tell my inner most dilemma and fears. But it has no constant reader. People come and stop by as if charmed by its snowy tops and deathlike beauty but they are afraid , perhaps, to stay for long, they pass by, perhaps adoring or just shrugging off. People who stop by are mostly of forgetful nature but the blog is not forgetful, not so much, it contains their aroma in little boxes. And the other blogs, well, they don't matter much, they are overlooked often. But it would be pain to delete them. They are there and the blogger is grateful for it, for they satisfy some urge of her, something of her Being. For her main blog, once in the beginning, she began a story , however changing amusingly during the periods, it sympathetica...

 Death is not a calamity. Not if you have lived your life to the fullest. Death of your close ones is not a tragedy, if you have expressed your love to them, given them true happiness, and if you know they will be more happy in that Other World.  Why Am I thinking about death so intensely?  Its been three days, and I have seen four people died. Most of us are shocked by the news of an accident in which one of our known couple died with the grandfather leaving a huge business and two children behind them. I am generally not moved by any such news. Ultimately , those who left, left for something good. But this time, what about the children? The son who is in 10th std is my brother's friend. And when I asked my brother , what do you think about this whole accident, he somberly replied, ' never fight with your parents.' Losing one's parents at an early age is an unfathomable loss.  I were not more thoughtful about it but there are surprising things goin...

Its 10.30 pm. I am listening to - Rupiya from Satyamev Jayate. I dunno I am in what mood. Its like - You need a long break and yet every time you find yourself working more intensely than earlier. Its strange. I am trying to find for myself a Corner Place and I keep coming round to the Center Space. Can we ever escape the net we weave for ourselves?  I want to be productive. Want to write, work, write more and read , out of the world or inside the soul kinda stuff. But  ... I am disappointing myself. So... no... I won't leave in disappointment. I am going to commit - a story each day again. Last time when I did it, I could hardly make up ten or something stories. This time... I am going to put all my heart into it. Crossing my fingers. And. I want to - Follow all good stuff I read. Seriously . Last Thing my mind juggled upon was - "... thing that is missed is : Mystery. I again need to Explore. Dive into myself and then find a secret passage to the Universe...