After that terrible feeling had subsided, and S.J. had
become as comfortable as she could speak to herself about it, and she spoke
these words , “I want to tell you something. Today I experienced it again,
although for a fraction of second but I did it and I got to know why it
happened to me in my childhood. It happened because I was terribly lonely.
And it happened today because … I was lonely. I hear voices when I am lonely.
They tell me they are lonely too. They tell me they want to talk to me. I know
it is fake, it is made-up in my mind but I still believe it, I believe they
exist and talk to me, because I am lonely, and I want to hear them myself. I
can’t tell you, how lonely I have been in my life. And you can never know how
lonely it is to stay alone inside four walls for a long long time… or probably you
know that too… but you don’t know what it has done to me, what all it has taken
from me … and that… you will only know after I am gone for the good.”
[ There was a time when she would call up her friends and tell
them every little detail of how her day passed, and how she could not sleep in
the night because she didn’t feel alright. Even at that time, she hated her
habit of speaking out everything. But she couldn’t help. All she did was, to
dream, to visualize about a time when she will stop letting out her heart’s
secrets, her deepest feelings. She dreamed about a time when no one would come
to know what actually she feels. She will be there in body, but float away in
spirit, she will learn the art of transcending the world for few moments and
then she would come back , again adjusting to her life. She will never (wont able to) speak, how she feels.
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