Just b-e-l-i-e-v-e!

Yesterday my sis asked me what I want for my bday this year... And I was like --- Oaww... I never asked anything on my bday from anyone in 21 yrs of my life... I wasted all those years What a pity! I could have asked Anything ... ANYTHING ...  but I have wasted it all... Her question opened my eyes. I began googling my mind... It said after half an hour search - Sorry we found only one data - NOTHING !!! :D :(

I saw my Mum, Fighting in subdued voice Crying silently, Before stern papa, Who rushed out Without a caring word. I have seen her like this so many times. Ma would ask God , Her Krishna , Give me peace! And Happiness to my family! Lord! Give my husband a long life. She would confide in God And talk to Him  When nobody listened to her. Nobody ever listened to her. And Nobody I can find, Who would listen to me either, I will talk to God, I will confide in Him, I think I have learned all this Before my time. Are all men stones? Is this the way with all women?

What a luck I have. To be in Jaipur , at least in January , is a luck indeed. First , we had a pleasure to hear our eminent authors. And now we are having Jaipur International Film Festival. It was my dream to attend a film festival. Though I would say , the film festival is not as grand as literary fest , it is still in its infancy. Many movies were experimental and were the first effort by their directors. But it has one advantage. It inspires us that we can also do it. One director , Hemant Sharma , from Jaipur even told us how he made  his film with his two other friends and by using just a Digi Cam and editing software. He truly said , " One doesn't need many resources , if one wants to do it , one can do it anyway." What about giving some notes about the movies I saw?  Here they follow - MAMA HABIBITI (by Boutheyna Bouslama) -  First Rate movie. Not because there was action , romance or a nice plot. There was nothing sort of this. The movie was kind of a ...

No I skipped Second day. So we come to the third day. But poor thing! I went for hardly 2 hours and I did nothing but took a few walks - up & down and round and round. No no I didn't go to the garden but Fest. But gosh! was it different from garden? Do people really come to listen (crap) authors? Na.. Yeah.. No but not always. Few sessions are so ridiculous that you feel you are wasting your time , you go out , and just hang around and meet your long-lost friends. The one which I attended was - umm... well let me tell you other way round. We were sitting in the Baithak - the less crowded place. Well it doesn't matter , we stopped before every hall and all were same - aloof from general interests. But the one we attended - it was readings from some novel. Two ladies were sitting on the stage in conversation with a girl. A boy who was sitting next to me asked if I know who were they and I looked at him , don't know what to say , I just said - Don't ask me. I was emb...

So it was again Literary Festival. It was again the hypocrite people talking hush-hush, showin off their jewelry and latest fashion, school students kidding around passing their time, lecturers walking up and around full of vigor as if they lived for this moment, volunteers seemed more proud than the celebrities and celebrities alert in not showing off their celebritiness. Whatever . Everything was as usual. I felt that sensation again. I was not envy (perhaps I was) I was more bored this time. Well First day I attended only one session that is of Gulzar ji and Pavan Verma ; Indian Ambassador of Bhutan and translator. Gulzar ji recited his beautiful nazms and Pavan ji translated them in English. I would tell you , one could not make out which was original. Translation was really beautiful. I have recorded few nazms. I like this session of reading poetry more than anything in festival. I have got collection of good recordings from last time and this time. I have Javed Akhtar ...

I can certainly think more better when I keep staring at the open window of my Blogger. I can think of my life and how I would like to present it (not only before everyone but even to myself) . I amuse myself thinking of my present in the terms of poetry or fiction. Its a relief .  I am presently reading Anna Karenina by Tolstoy. Its more than nine hundred pages and I am hardly over one thirty page. But I am in love with this novel. Not because it has something very interesting and it speaks my thoughts but perhaps because I had prepared myself to love it. Yes, it is it. I love her name Anna Karenina - what a beauty and rhyme it has. Suggesting that Madame Anna Karenina is a lady so lovely and beautiful. But I will say one can't attach innocence always with loveliness , and not a least with beauty. Loveliness of a girl somewhere carries something devilish with it. Anna Karenina is a perfect example. I will talk of this novel later at length. Here I am with a different mood. One...

Ah! I am in Salsa Spirit ... not again! But I just can't help it . I have to admit I have been in this situation many times before and I am again .. but " afsos " without a partner. Gosh... hear that song? Behke behke nain ... from Aisha? Check it out please -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HpWjYommfA&feature=related Its goddamn amazing. I want to choreograph it. All I need is one partner. Lets consider some people around me. My brother? He is amazing. Even a good dancer. In fact he can lift me up very well. But the problem is - Passion . Salsa always requires burning passion from both partners and gosh he is just a teenage. And apart from that he is lil impatient when it comes to dance and arts.  Then... then what! I have no one except my bro :( All friends are lost cause. All scattered on the planet leaving me here alone. Alone . And when I need them most. I need a partner :( I think I will have to organize an audition at my hometown. I might catch hi...

Did I tell you I am going home on one year official break from studies? And that I miss home so much. I miss food , tv , brother , cooking , meditating , reading , walking on terrace , welcome (certain) guests and so on... But I have postponed it for another one or two years. :) I am going to search a job and not because I am so much serious about my career . God ! I am crazy to live my life probably i will be dying soon ( ah! just an excuse - the heart always needs one) ... Want to live life with my sister coz probably I may never get this Golden Chance :) I want to learn -  1.) Ball room dance          (Craze from movie- Shall We Dance) 2.) Piano                          ( Craze from novel - The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks) 3.) Accent 4.) Fluency in English 5.) The art of living 6.) Being Myself 7.) Learning the secrets of relationships and how to maintain them 8.) Learn to li...

From my another blog - http://prosepot.blogspot.com/2011/01/last-song-by-nicholas-spark.html

I had a date today. With two of them. I dunno which turned out better. I guess both are kewl :P But lemme finish with this one - The Last Song by Nicholas Spark then I will be able to judge better. In the morning , The Catcher in the Rye was appealing , dunno why , may be coz of its urbane slangy swearing language , or may be because there was there beneath it a sad truth about us all... about us depressed ones ... well will discuss it later. But here I want to tell one thing - the whole day was terrific. Novels are certainly better dates ... they can drive you crazy enough... I had been reading whole day. I enjoyed it... will resume after shutting this sweet one ... but I was chuckling on this joke while dish-washing... soon my money will get over... oopzz i mean novels will get over and I would be needing more so I was just crazy about thinking this , I would call up dad and he would say.. wadya need money for? and I would say ... dad I need to buy books... (he has a terrific lawy...

I am caught in a vicious circle. There is love care friendship happiness peace but then comes the evil conscience and with it the question of fidelity ... It makes me sick when I cant tell you what's going in my heart It is murderous It is suicidal It is dying without wanting to die And so I want to withdraw And I am forced to tell you that I don't deserve love (When I really do) But  - is it because I am a woman I have to give the test? I have to prove I can love one? To be loved in return? I don't want anything Just one promise - Don't judge me ... (You don't know me) (And you shall never know me if you don't open the clutches...) I am free ...

How do you feel when you don't deserve but you know , you are still loved ? Sarah left the town early morning. She is going back to her obscure hometown. She would change the sim , yes , it is the first thing she will do as she reaches over there. She would stop writing , or at least publishing on her blogs. She would... she would just  live an obscure life... away from her complicated past. She would try to forgive herself. Forgive? for what? What has she done? She never hurt anybody intentionally. She just wanted to be happy. Is it bad to seek happiness ?  Is it evil? ... Sarah takes a deep breath , closes her eyes , and tries to relax herself. A whole day journey ! Sarah looks out of the windows and chant slowly - everything will be fine... sooner or later ... everything will be fine... (but we perished each alone...) no everything will be fine... yes it would be ... it has to be ... ( but I beneath a rougher sea) ... no no no... I have to keep my mind clear... Its a re...

I know I have said those things which I shouldn't. But after I said them I couldn't rest even for a second. After you said Good-bye , I thought I will be Okay but I couldn't be. I waited for your Mid-night Miss calls. There was none. And since then you are on my mind. Its irresistible. Shall I be happy? Should I think its love? I don't know if it is. But I would sincerely like to think that it is.  I remember those lyrics - Nobody said it was easy , no one ever said it would be so hard ...  Yours J___ .

I don't hate cold wind because I know in Summers I had liked it.  You were sad and I held your hand to take it away from you. I act like an angel sometimes.  Love is so powerful. It can kill itself. I have all Strange relationships with Strangers who call themselves my Friends. I am sleeping . Its the time for afternoon wake-up. 

What I want? .... I want to have short term memory loss disease so that I love one day and forget that I did , next day. I sat to write a love letter. All I wrote is - Beloved! the feeling won't last long so I must say it now - I love you. "I have ruined my life. God please take it away. I am not worth it." I shouted in void. Later that night God came in my dream and said in a fatherly voice , "Dear Child! how you would have learnt to ride a bicycle if your father had taken it away from you after two-three accidents."

So Meg , where were you last summers? I was finding a job , I suppose. So... didn't you go anywhere.. I mean .. out? Oh yeah ... I did. I went to Laddakh... So with whom did you go? Vandy , I know that you know everything then what you want to know from me? With whom did you Go... Meg? I went with Vish , he was my .. my net friend. I know him... have heard a lot about him. So? So... I want to ask you ... why are you marrying my brother? what ? I said ... why are you marrying my brother when you love someone else.   Oh for god's sake ! I don’t love Vish .. he is .. he is just a friend. Oh.. really! You went on a trip with your friend... Alone... so how close you have been to him... hmm.. "Enough Vandy !" , interrupted Rajveer ; I love to call him RV , he looked into the eyes of his sister with anger mixed love , he again said with more mild tone , "Please ! Don’t... don’t pester her anymore... would you mind leaving us alone for sometime Vandy ?" Vandy gave...

My New Year gift !!! :) Around 30th I went to recharge my cell and next day I came to know that I have recharged someone else's mobile by mistake ... and it was just a mistake of one number that's 0 instead of 1. :P I was already short of money (my whim, I always feel I am) and I was not in the mood to invest 100 bucks more on it and I was very angry ... Whole day I strolled in the mall with my sis and frnd . Suddenly I felt the need to express my anger and thought of one thing. I messaged 9460******(rest my no.) and said I mistakenly recharged your num. and its a new year gift from me. Happy new year mr. xyz (I didnt want to think that it will be a girl so i assumed as i like that its a guy only) ! He didn't reply. But I was contended .I did what I wanted to. My anger was released. Next day I got a message. My account was recharged with 100 bucks. I was shocked. I messaged and asked did u recharge? And he messaged me back saying - yes I did because you did mine. ...

A pretty old movie of three and half hours ! We just wanted to pass the time and thought there is no harm watching a boring movie , as we thought it would be , than doing nothing at all. So we watched and not a single minute we felt anywhere that its boring .In fact we liked it more than contemporary comedy movies.  I suppose if you will google for it , you might not even get it , its this much old. Its a christian movie. But its much more than just  that. Its about the belief in Miracles , belief in God's ways , belief in one self. It teaches Christ's message of love and forgiveness . And it unfailingly reminds of Gandhi ji.  No matter what love and forgiveness wins and they are the power of real courage and not the revenge and hatred. This reminds me of one of Atticus' teachings to his children in  To Kill A Mocking Bird  , that avoid with your head up and walk on if someone teases you but don't fight with them . He says they are your friends though sometime...

I shall go for awhile To dream about a dream I'll paint those pictures Of  hustle bustle of a family I'll paint them with rainbow colors Not excluding the Black one. I'll gather sticks And build a palace on a heap of sand I'll place my dolls in it I'll watch the wind to take it all away.  I shall go for awhile To dream about a dream I'll go at the window sill I'll watch the sun go down And the sky to turn pale and brown Its yet not the time to worry The year is there before us Lets make a chocolate cake of it We have a reason … Reason to celebrate ...  Don't ! Please dont say that its just another day. And neva miss the chance  … When a lil gal is with you , asking Shall we dance ? So Shall we dance ? :)