Just b-e-l-i-e-v-e!

Always Be Positive. Its terribly tiresome. I want to think other way round. I want to cry out loud -   Fuck you life ! You have given me rags When I was dying of cold You have given me leftover When I was dying of hunger You have given me sweat  When I could bear no more Fuck you life! You have nothing worth  except sleep except life of dreams... except the smile on which sadness hangs... I would say I hate you  But no...  You are worst a mistress You are worst than a pimp You are worst than menstrual  You are worst than worst disease.  But I will fight  I wont die  Until I have fucked you. Until I have showed you  Show you that I am something Beyond my sex can describe Beyond my religion  And my acts can describe... I will show you , damn  What I am! And I will show you  What can I make out of you... Just Watch it! Dear Life!

So... one more year is over ... seems time is running ... and still something has stuck up ... well we can dig it later... and that's what for New Year comes , isn't it? ;) So a Recap ? Itna toh Banta hai Boss ;) So well...umm ahem ahem..lets Do it this way - ACHIEVEMENTS  OF THE YEAR - - I joined an NGO , and took training in Comics Workshop. I believe I learnt a good art this year. It added a feather to my cap. - I organised a Comics Workshop at my hometown. And it was really a success , an unexpected success. - And guess what , my parents are known by my name because of that workshop. That's something to take pride in. I am happy because I fulfilled my dream. :) - And finally , I got an honorary prize for umm... "upcoming writer" in hindi by a magazine. I believe you are not laughing while reading this. Well... I respect the prize , the aim of it was to motivate. err...Umm.. lets come to the next thing. SMILEY MOMENTS OF THE YEAR - awww..... c...

Tears and plenty tears Each time you left me in... What the dirt I deserve Or always Tears... Each time you left me in... I have nothing left Only fret and fears Each time you left me in... You said that I am your part Your fake swears  Each time you left me in... Each time you left...

Everyone realizes the difference between the Time we Pass and the Time we Live.  I am living it these days. :) I never discovered / felt so much joy one can feel in company of one's sibling. Bless my Sister. :) I never realized when I have become so much..... Quiet. I am loving it.  I am very happy that I successively left FB (addiction of so many people) . I have stopped thinking and began feeling. ( According to Osho , most imp thing to live happily) I have learnt to respect what I have and don't bother about what I don't have. ( especially in person's case. ) These days .. somewhat I m unhappy also (greatly embarrassed) I wish I could share it with someone. :( But its okay. It will fade away in the fog of time. And yeah...few funny things about 'these days in my life' are -  I dance while crossing the road... move .. wait .. back ... ahh... I wont die in accident ;) I talk to me loudly while walking... its fun really  I do what I really wanna do.. e...

Through the little incidents I realized this slowly I was like a garden bench For those lonely...

Wonder why I am lingering in the passages of astrology and numerology... do I have (still have) some inquisitiveness? Well anyway...here is my lifepath number... may be you will be interested in yours so here is the link - Your lifepath number is 9 The Life Path 9 suggests that you entered this plane with a lot of dramatic feelings together with a strong sense of kindness and bigheartedness. The key the nature of an individual with 9 as a life path number is found in their compassionate approach to life. Even the very average of those with life path 9 have extremely compassionate ways.   Most of the time this number has people that are very dependable, upright and unlikely to convey any sort of prejudices. Clearly this is a lot on your plate, however you are the type of individual who will help those who are less fortunate than you if you are in the position to do so. When it comes to responsibilities to the human race, the 9 life path number is the highest single digit number t...

I wanna talk to you. Thanks. Actually I was feeling alone. No I am literally alone here. Its Saturday. I never Like it.  I will wash my hairs on sunday . Yeah that means tomorrow. Saturday is a bad day. Oh. No. Nothing is bad. I will tell you one thing. First Let me wear my Summer frock. I feel good. I ate those balls of spicy water. I felt good. And Shopping. Oh. Would love to do that. But I said I was feeling lonely. He wont come today. No I will sleep when he will come. He will come soon. I want daffodils. Have you ever seen a beautiful city in Spring. I want to visit Rome. Its a beautiful place to visit. And I want to go to New Zealand. I am sure I will be welcomed at their home. I am loved by all you see. They love me. I was called an angel when i was your age . Yeah yeah you are my angel now. You are a pretty girl. You will grow up beautiful as your mama. I love your mama. She was a good friend. She would read to me Bible daily. No I read Gita also. I wish to go church someda...

.... What are you thinking? aa...naathing... umm... oh here are four diverse ways... which one you would take? .... helloo... I m talking to you Ms.. hey.. what's ur name? jen.... wat? Pardon? Its Jeanie ... you can call me Jeanie .. okay? Oh.. jeanie... nice...  so Ms. Jeanie... where are you going? I dont know. What? Sorry! I said I dont know where  i am going but you can go your way ...okay. ahh... certainly madam I will go my way. huh! (walking ahead slowly) (Jeanie to herself but a little aloud) where does this road go... where do you want to go .... i dont know... then you may take any road... (guy puzzled) hey.... are you crazy? You mind your own business.... okay. No its not okay... What do you want from me? Lets play a game? ,,,, what? I am going this way and you go just opposite way... and at one point we will look back for 1 min... If we both look back at the same time we will come back and accompany each other ... or if not then we will go ...

No I don't love you -  (though your laugh tinkles in my ear and makes my soul happy ) No its not love -  (though my tears know their  place is only in your arms) Na it cant be love , i know! - (though you hurt me sometimes by your carelessness) Its not the love , I had dreamt of , i know! - (though now I think of creating a dream than dreaming one) They told me , you could find a better one -  (though I had always believed them  but now I wished they would be wrong) Now when you said , Goodbye forever ! - (though I was broken down I held my breath and said... ) Its not love ! I wish ... It cant be love 

It causes ripples in my heart to see your innocence  wrapping slowly with intelligence and art. What you have become my brother a perfect combination Of soft hearted mom and strong father. But what more amazes me is the mystery of your age Much more is hidden beneath the innocence of your face.  P.S. - Interesting to observe the growth of your adult side while you are able to retain the innocence of childhood on your face :) Love you bro !!!  

I have seen both heaven and hell in my life. but i regret i saw heaven before hell This life is ruined I wait to begin afresh soon. (P.S. - wait can be most hellish.)

For a change I had a great fun yesterday with my friend and her friends. And for a change I felt I am still not too old. This change was good. I don't know what this change will bring with it. All I know is , I am happy. And I am less worried about my future. I have been reading literature from past 3-4 months as if literature and life are poles apart. So , for a change , I decided I am going to read life than literature. All my life I waited for this time when I will choose my line and take decisions for myself but I have become dumb now. A dumb who dances to other's tune. A dumb who is programmed by others. Though I am happy my mother has thought so much for me. But I cant just follow everything blindly. I want to take some risks. I want to feel free to take decisions for myself so that in future I know I have made my life and not that I am walking on the track laid down by someone else. So,  for a change I decided I will take risk... risk to ignore my parent's wis...

isnt it weird and strange dat u write a poem for someone ... and he reads it just like all readers ... though he knows it is written for him... and someone else ... someone may be from ur past ... wants to read it ... he reads it ... and makes it his own ...he enters into ur world ... which you expected from ur own guy....  does it mean he understands u well?loves u more? or you are more imp to him than to ur own guy? ... Life cheats you ... throws u inside the palace of illusions... I am all confused about the thing called love ... watching movies now a days at home .... he said that sorta love only exists in movies ... is it true? wont i get that love ever? well be it as it is... I love myself ... and I think marriage - this business is not for me... not even commitment ... i called myself a free bird... no one can possess me ... not even I ; ) wat i want now is to build up my dreams on the plane of reality ... i will do it ... yeah I can !!!       :)

One of my far relative committed suicide yesterday. She was aged . And the reason as assumed of her suicide  was her longing to live with her sons who at present live far from home. It was a tragedy. Not only of her but of our society and its contradictory values. Why contradictory? because it was her husband only who asked his son to go outside his hometown so that he will be able to earn more. The wish of her husband became the reason of her death. It is in the seeds of our Karma , our destiny lies. And "Samskara" or the bringing up of a child , shapes up your future and his own future. ***

Life cheats you beats you badly badly treats you And you have only two options either , Fight or just say that - Its Okay! you see, I am an unprivileged. I am very much Alive. And they have given me a Sword to fight. But I wont fight. I am a common girl. I know I can not fight. Fighting is a bad thing you know... and ... Well ! Its okay ! And If he too doesn't treat me well its okay ! I will leave him. I knew I will have to ... one day ... but its okay! One has to suffer God knows for what reasons ... These are the really bad times. But its okay ... We will fight as usual out of some unconscious habit - a fight to survive... ***

I wish to talk to you I want to talk to you I want to talk Silence As you want to hear silence You want to hear silence You want to hear nothing besides it So I speak nothing I crave to speak Crave to speak something Something besides silence So I speak to myself I share with myself All my words and silences All my silences and words Now I share with myself.

Its Very Difficult ! Difficult to shake off your Conditioning to go against Who made you to go against yourself or -  What you have become. I stand before him ...  and try to shake off ... I try ... try not to sound traditional But I am no non-conformist either I am... I am still a struggler  Struggling to find what I am And to shake off  What they have made me And to embrace  What I want to become And... And I become nothing. I just remain a product of my conditioning.  I want to love  to...make...love... And ... I am sorry I can not be me you see... marriage... and ... lots of things ... and ... I am afraid and... let it be. I will try another day try... try to shake off my conditioning... when I meet you another day. I meet you another day !

I live and I don't. Its something that goes on and one doesn't even realize this. The Transition is so quick . I will talk something of the world around me. Well , its black and red and rough and blue So much to see and so much to .... A local bus. faces and masks Bad guys Bad breath Old ladies Unshampooed hairs Loose tied sarees Old village men Brown skins and black boots Unfit like themselves. Whaaaat a  LIFE ! So unworthy So torn out Yet they wear If you ask them why? They will say - We dont know We dont care. And what about those Who know ... very purpose of their life lies in Dirtiness How I know? well their dirtiness crawl upon my body sometimes waist or down or up or anywhere. Whaaat a Death! Let me die. Hey ! no ! She said today in the class - Nothing and no one in life is worth taking your life. But why Van Gogh suicides? And why Woolf ? What about the immortal nightingale of Keats? And what's there in the Byzantium ...

Teach me to Love But first Teach me To endure the Fires Which I will meet in the Course 

No my poetry is not blowing horns, Its leaking of water Leaking internal thoughts drop by drop ................ No comfort I have in my bad days Save writing poems  One more Great relief except weeping. ................ Again dread of those dreadful nights Again a need of invisible hand I want him again who will not leave me even for a second... My own Imagination. .............. Oxygen Mask ! A new life ! Thank God! I can express if not in voice In words at least. ........ beats beats beats .... the world is beating I am losing some sense I am afraid "he would mind" I am afraid "I would disappoint them ... by losing sanity" I just want to be me..... Just me..... Just me..... And not what you think I should be. ......... hey! I have never taken your Mary Jane , Nor those doses of drinks but I can lose still My senses ... Its also an addiction.

No , dont come near Go away ! I had loved you I love you still But I shall not think of you always I shall not curse and find my faults I shall not Sacrifice now Not for sometime Though ... I know...  My ultimate destiny --- is Sacrifice.

Today is one more colorless night Is it cold ? Today is a cold night , I am sure... Moon is dark. Its Okay! Isn't it? It will be Okay , I am sure... I am sure it will be okay. Its just another night.

Death? - just a matter of laughter now a days. Twenty died in train accident, two died in a bomb blast, Hundreds and so ... in flood , And many do die daily ... Life? - cheaper than a grain So ... Death is more celebrated here.

In one of those nights When I am so close to myself When I am me - my soul And when you find me lost Come! look for me In that isolated place Where moon is low Touching the feet of sea One who is sleeping on the rock Look ! That is me.

White ocean Of darkness around us    Silence -  Mute Love ! Togetherness ... ..... !  Just Be ... ! And I want Nothing.

I am Dawn  You are Dusk " How can we meet , tell me ? " " One day even  They will meet  If only you can have -    Belief. " 

From Dawn To Dusk So long the gap seems... Which afternoon fills up with her sleep After a hurried nap  When I wake up to drink Your First love  The filter-coffee ;  Which tastes as tasteless  As first I drank it with you But I love it Because it reminds of you And of your taste. And long nights When I wake after each hour To taste loneliness ,  As salty as you are And chant between every nightmare, "everything will be fine". At dawn, I walk alone on my terrace, Watch the world preparing for the day And I too prepare , For a long weary afternoon, Its short hurried nap, And Filter-coffee. At dusk, I walk alone on my terrace, Watch the world retire into pleasures, And I too retire, To sleep, Wake up at every hour,  Taste loneliness , Watch nightmares , And chant between them "Everything will be fine..." "Everything will be fine...".

Ambition for me means  - climbing mountain , painting your imagination , creating tune which resides in your heart , expressing an idea known to all human kind , serving people because you believe in serving and alike. I used to think I am not an ambitious person . But I have found what my ambition is ...

The simple and selfless love, Has lost , At a bad cost, And you know , why,  my friend, You know this very well. But ... I want to have hope  for Peace and Love to be restored soon.

Your love is limited by your nature, then ; How can you , my dear friend , expect me to cross my limits?

My friend ! you talk of one thing and do another, And you preach Kabir, Its such a shame, Oh I shouldnt blame, Its a world ; A Brave Old World !  With Pretentious Face And so much of disgrace.

The marks of your feet Dear ,  are washed away  by ... don't you know? Poor thing! Someone who doesn't know his fault. Halt ! Dont rush, Illusions are in the air, Before the Final Judgement Let things be fairer.

Amidst the dryness of Waste Land Silence of flower  is so sweet and sombre That now sadness has become her eternal Beauty.

-  I love you , says da angel -  But I dont love you ! - You do! - No, I don't ... - My heart says you do, and it never lies..

I looked at the m o o n in night, And I was h a p p y for some reason, Perhaps it aroused l o v e in me. Romanticism! Alas! All is plaster not the reality, Which is hidden beneath - - -  Sand and Bricks - all a l o n e. Like the m o o n & s t a r s. Who's Soulmate then? Its not your fault my love! Its just a cruel f a c t - We all are eternally a l o n e.   

-  Lemme come inside you baby! -  Sorry ! I cant hide you today inside me ... -  Oh....okay... thanks!! ............ im going .... ......... ........ -   All I wanted to say was - Sometimes I need your shelter.. and I don't ask that does not mean I am Strong!

Sometimes we are tired of chat We try to make love on a hot summer day We dream of mountains Cold nights of honey n quilt And sometimes silent prayers To cover the guilt… Sometimes we are tired of making love We try to chat – all absurd that Sometimes praise or curse or chase All we do is to pass the tedious time Which slogs behind my night dress As the memory of that crime… Sometimes we are tired of chat No love-making , No chatting helps As if on the top of Alps We jump to suicide Jump into the dreadful silence…

Always wrapped with mysteries A gift that life is ,            I love,           I enjoy,           so alluring,           so tempting,           all beauty, Yet I can not freely play with it I don't mind... No ! I don't. Let people grab it, Let them play with it. After all they teach this way How precious it is, And they only will teach me To unwrap it.

I dont want to make any story in a poem. Its obscene ... and ridiculous I dont want any rhythm either To make fun of my thoughts... So here again I am  with what you call bullshit Feminism. But its different... Not about women But every human being... Lets now don't beg for freedom I have found out where the actual problem lay It lies inside your crippled soul Because we are never stopped to do anything by anyone except by our own will  So lets blame to our crippled will And not your parents , society , friends or lover Its just you who is stopping you... To achieve - what you call - MY DREAMS !

From whole Twilight series - I just loved last dialogue by Bella - "I am not a normal girl and I don't want a normal life."  That's why she chose Edward over Jakob , while she loved both because living with Edward would mean leading a different life.  Some tape in my mind repeats this dialogue again n again ... as if reminding me something which I have forgotten.  I... I just ... dunno ...  always feel out of the world ...  Remembering the poem by Frost - Two roads diverged in a yellow wood..... Its time to prepare myself.... for a combat with an outside world... but before that I will have to win the battle going inside my soul ...  P.S. - I wish they would have understood me... I don't need / expect shelter from them , all I want is their Faith in me... even if I am badly wrong , after all How I will be able to learn to walk if I wont stumble ? 

You are in your journey. You know your destination but don't know the right way to reach there. You begin... you stop.. ... again resume... you forget the way ... go back ... again begin....  but when you meet such people or who happen to come in your way and try to tell -- no go this way this is right ... or that way because that seems more proper ... you begin to lose you intuitive power to reach at destination . Or you tend to reach late at your destination. Now if I apply this to life's journey I feel we tend to opt for wrong or say long way to reach at our destination when we hear everyone's advice or we try to walk on the road of their experience.  ---> You should opt Science Maths ... (But I have inherent talent for photography) ----> Listen ! you cannot do intercaste marriage Ok . (God please!  if you believe in soul mates just answer my one question - Is it necessary that God must have created your soul mate in your caste) ---> Its not right ...

Morning 8 o'clock ----- " I m having this headache , my mood is off , everything is so irritating , i just hate to go out..I dont wish to celebrate today..."  (After sometime)  "... but I have promised her... she gets only a day to enjoy from her very busy schedule ... I can not disappoint her ... I have to go anyhow..." (on call - hey! listen I 'll come late , im nt feeling well ryt now...) (After few hours)  We were in movie hall ... watching Eclipse ... I were dumb if I wud miss this.... Its amazing...  n wats dis?? Gifts? she gave me my bday gifts?? Ohh..... im overwhelmed . I gave her treat... we took lunch... n went out... The weather was fine now n my mood .. well I was rocking :) (After having ice-creams , we strolled near a park...) Me ---- hey! I m not feeling like going inside the park.. its so crowdy ... you know wat sometimes I feel I hate people... as if I am a misanthropist.... lets... lets just stay here ... (on the ...

One moment she looked at ivory clouds , other moment at real road on which they were walking  ... what does she want ?? No , the right question is - how come she is caught between them ? How .... ???

Woww... after a long long time i m on blogger... :) Thanks to a friend who handled it for a while on my behalf as he would post here whatever I sent him through mail :) .... Well , i dont have anything special to write about. I m happy coz I am back in my old lovely Pink City... :) its loveliiiiiii Will write soon.... Take care........

One by one The pages turned And I saw those dreams… My childhood Dreams… Once I watched those dreams alone And Sung them to me I didn’t know I was lonely Until I met U You promised you will fulfill them Fill in the blanks and fit them for me I didn’t know I was lonely I thought I could do it all alone You gave me your hand like others did How could I know you were perfect for me I didn’t know I was lonely I thought I was an angel and I don’t need anyone. When darkness was spread around As a light I found u in me I didn’t know I was lonely I thought I had enough light in me But when I think of those lessons which I learnt And the light which u burnt inside me I know now once I was lonely And I wanted a friend to be with me… One by One the pages turned And now I know I can fulfill those dreams When you are with me Because I am no more lonely.

I am a Plain Woman I belong to plains I look very plain I wear plain clothes... I am sorry ... But my life had never been Plain But it doesn't mean  That I am not Plain I have nothing distinct in me.... You think - I am a Desert Woman? ... in my dreams I am ... yes, I am a Desert Woman Who fights with anguished sand Who patiently waits for rain Who has faith to find the oasis of love Who is incredible for all above And... ... in my dreams I am a Highland lass too Who has elevated ideas Who is on top yet down to earth  Who has a fairy's heart Who inspires everyone's art And... .... But yet .... I think I am a Plain Woman I don't know why... Perhaps I have not yet shown anything Great Or perhaps I am different in reality ... Or may be .... Well , sometimes you should not look for reasons... Sometimes you should just let it be ....

No...  No, it wasn't my Soul, The colour of sunset Maturing orange & magenta, A little purple & whole blue, Do you have any clue? Who could drink these colors and  Blend in the Soul? Whole in whole It wasn't me It was some ghost of glorified painter  Who let the Passion eat up his body, Who died when Light was burnt inside his soul.... It was not Death It is Immortality. Few days back  A windstorm of Passion  Had crushed me too  But I came out Alive---  It was not a survival It was a Death Something died ....

Staring out of the window She looked tired and bored In her glittering saaree and a diamond ring She thought, “Im just a body without him” “… what he would be doing at this moment?” And He was sleeping peacefully… In his grave… He died without her. I knew I could never be faithful to anyone… .

A song... (I have thought abt its music too :P )                      We talk a lot about love… oh yeah we do… But do we know a bit about it ? You bet?  .. uh you do… No no no… you’ve fallen in love with a friend Oh no no you don’t even know the rules of this game…  You liked him first and became a buddy Oh you had played better with a teddy What you could do , you started liking someone else But now he says he loves you Hey now why do your heart fails?  No no no… you’ve fallen in love again Oh no no you don’t even know the rules of this game… You have a cool buddy Who is like you One fine day you said you love him He said it too But that’s a pure kind of love Which only you know and the other one between whom it grows                                                        ...

Have you heard about the magic of Attraction Power? Its like you attract something in your mind and you will get that thing or dream... I do believe in this but I think attracting something unconsciously gives bigger fruit. All I want to say is - if you have a dream , let it mix in your blood , let it become the breath you take ... but you cant do it consciously so if it becomes a part of you (unconsciously) then you will soon watch it becoming a Reality. It happened with me ... with my dream of clicking photos. I dont want to become a professional photographer  but I am a person who wants to experiment with different ways for expressing  my feelings.... and I am so happy that the time itself gave me the opportunity and handed me a camera to Click .... :)