Saturday, December 31, 2011

To my Blog

You know what I want to HUG you :) >:*< you are my best friend best buddy
I dunno what would have become of me if you were not there I mean most of the times its you with whom I find comfort, care, love... Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu of course Google your parents and you :) Love you.

@ngel

Thursday, December 29, 2011

wind across my face

What is all around
What is within
What is in your eyes
which is so keen

why do i feel not
who do i want to feel
a long silence
a long disease

He comes one day
I feel the wind across my face
A window half open
A hope gleams in my eyes
wind by ~GruenerHund on deviantART

Saturday, December 24, 2011

To Jordon

do you know what you got into? ♥


to myself

Merry Christmas Girl !! :)

Santa came to my dreams last night? I know he did. Things happen if you want them to.

Have I grown up a lil bit? An inch? Ow dats bad. I wanna grow up. But I dont want to. There will always be a bridge between two worlds, I promise :)

I am sweet I know. Are you diabetic. Ah hope not ;)

Btw where's my present? No. I didnt get any last night. Not under my pillow. Not even in the cupboard. Ow so bad of you. You didnt buy any. You dont need to. What I want doesn't come with a price :)

i know i know i have been good but no more... you know there was a quote here it goes - "Dont make her wait for you, just because you know she will do."


I just wish you come soon.

Dont ask me , if it is for you. You know things better than me. You know me better than me. I know I am waiting for someone, someone who is just there, for me, and will come one day. And I have come to believe your words: "if they have to meet, they will meet anyhow."  My words are not for Anonymous but for that Unknown who will come anyhow, who will come one day who is just for me.


Friday, December 16, 2011

To myself

There was much sense in the words I wrote and deleted.



Thursday, December 15, 2011

To myself


There is a peculiar charm in drinking pain
Darkness has got a heart too
I am incapable of love I know
Destruction calls on few... very few.

P.S  I have got to learn to address myself. Nothing stays for long. 

bite of memory

I'm so tired of being here 
Suppressed by all my childish fears 
And if you have to leave 
I wish that you would just leave 
'Cause your presence still lingers here 
And it won't leave me alone 

These wounds won't seem to heal 
This pain is just too real 
There's just too much that time cannot erase 

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears 
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears 
And I held your hand through all of these years 
But you still have 
All of me 

You used to captivate me 
By your resonating life 
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind 
Your face it haunts 
My once pleasant dreams 
Your voice it chased away 
All the sanity in me 

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone 
But though you're still with me 
I've been alone all along


[Evanescence - My Immortal]

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Valentine's Day

Just watched Valentine's Day. A specially bad time to watch such a movie. But I am glad that I did. I don't remember all of them but I liked one dialogue specially. It goes this way : boy : "Did you ever consider marrying me?"
Girl: "Yeah I did. But do you want a girl to consider or to know it.?"

And this too I really loved - Truth makes everything else seem like a lie.

And yeah this one too - and I hope I am going to remember it always (gosh how could I be so stupid) : Love can't be planned. It just happens.

You can't make things right. They will find their way.
Sometimes, you have to learn to act grown up, until someone is there to make you feel you are still a kid at heart.


Saturday, December 10, 2011

To Anonymous

How strange! people may fade away from our memories but something of them remains...
I saw her yesterday. Lady Gaga. And all her glory fame name dissolved into your memories... splashes of water... over n over thought... only felt too much... but not too enough...we are better strangers for each other or nothing...

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

give me a song

...  She said, "give me a song"
And there was an eternal silence.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

5/11/11




SHIT Happens Sometimes


No man dies without a scandal 
If he does , he was not a man at all




The world is a gutter
No matter where you shit
But mind it when you do it.


Lying is not a bad practice 
Unless its against you.


Life is a SHIT but then its an outcome of your own ACT.




Alright here you go -
 Don't read me
I am a book of Blasphemy.


P.S. Thanks to this post, I found & fell in love with one blog. :)

Thursday, December 1, 2011

At crossroads

A moment ! you feel so lonely you feel you have no friend when you need genuine advice when you want someone to understand you. It was that moment. She wished fervently that all was a dream. That she would not have to leave her home. That life will not change either for better or bad. That... she felt so cold. she felt ... she doesn't want to grow up.What you imagined,cherished in dreams,waited for whole life, now that moment had come. The story had begun. You are the writer. Each action will write and decide the further course. And you prepare to sleep. Choose a dream. Away. Away from all Present all Past and Would be. At crossroads, she is. She chooses not to move. Looks back just to say. Good-bye.  

Friday, November 25, 2011

a thing called Life...

Ok I can't keep it to myself :)
Im so Happy these days
Feeling like a Princess!!!
I just love this thing about Life
Its soooo full of surprises.

I told ya I wanted to Feel , isnt it?
I am Feeling. I CAN Feel.
Aw God I can really.
What I feel is so much love for a thing called Life.
You know what I am feeling - that I have just woken up from a long disease and gone out in the sunshine. And the November Sun with its mild curative rays has healed me of the wounds life generally gives to its lovers.

:)

love!!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Scribbles addressed to The Anonymous

Is it what they call Life's Irony?
What began with an Open Relationship
Became so very Closed.


Scribbles addressed to the Anonymous



I could have done the things I always do
But  perhaps I knew
You fear the pain.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Crime

"I seek penitence." 
"What is your crime?"
"I wished well, I wished 
to be useful. Each time."

Scribbles addressed to an Anonymous

Some stories must need characters
In others Anonymous fill the colors

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Change


And how people change. Change completely. Change not particularly for Good or Bad but just change. Coz They need to wear a shield or to come out of a suffocating cell. Change , to watch a sky more clearer, to feel the warmth, feel the joy of watching a butterfly.

And how people change. An event, a scathing word, an accident, a movie can cause it.
And oh people do change. Willfully, forcefully, or just like that... they change.
I tried ... I found myself on the brink of this change. Became serious, more reserve, mysterious. Closed the book. Hid from glances. And could I change anything? Change the essential in me?


...thus life will be spent in waiting 
I wait for the Change.


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Anonymous

Its been one year or so he stops at my blog n leaves comments. The comments kill me. Sometimes I know who is he. At other times I am just like a baffled cat. I think of old conversations. What went wrong? What was right , anyway? 


A face without a face. A mere shadow creeping over my mind. Can I have any story with anonymous? And what if there is one? What sort of story it can be? A very romantic? Or mysterious? A tragic one? Let's just make out the possibilities...


He is the one I am thinking of and I am the one he always thought of. Out of comments we come together and begin afresh. Despite the fact, I am still confused. Despite the fact, I don't want to go back. I am curious to know what's the end...


Or may be the Anonymous is the one I would never want him to be. I hate even his shadow because it tells dark stories of my own heart. What if its not the one I expect. Expectations should not hurt. But why to expect? What else can I do? I am lost in the game. The anonymous has won. I am baffled. I want to see the face. I want to feel. To talk. To hear. To know. To tell what has gone till now. Heart to heart conversation. Again expectations. Am I afraid of something? Of breaking one more heart? Before that I want to break my own. And so I wait for you... whoever you are... whatever story it be... I wait for someone to break my heart.


Pino 6 woman painting, nude painting
a painting by Pino
~ jeanie

Sunday, November 13, 2011

If only ...

I have so much
so much
to say
to day
If only
you would hear it
Far from here
that way

I have plenty of stars
so many stars
for you
to day
If only
you would look deep
deep into my eyes
Out of the way

I have number of melodies
so many melodies
to sing
to day
If only
you would hear them
in my silence...


I have so much
so much
to say
to day
If only
you would hear it
Far from here
that way
If only you were here
You could hear
The words without words
And could see
silence shivering my bare soul...


- Jeanie


Here's My Story








someone loved
some one loved
some one lo ve ed her
some one lo ve ed her so much
some one lo ve ed her so so much 
some one lo ve ed her so so very much
some one lo ve ed her in so so many ways


And so thereby hangs a Tale !!



Monday, November 7, 2011

Two Hours for Soul





Two hours. Two long. Too much. Yet too less if I sit by a half-closed window and sun rays tickle my eyes play with my hairs and kiss my lips.
Too less to thank God for all good he did. 
Too less to observe the life as it flows. 
Too less to love each moment as it passes by. 


We run and run whole life and it is passed in a twinkling of an eye but our soul carries the imprints for eternity. The Soul was an empty vessel when it began its journey but the time allowed Soul to fill itself with pretty flowers, beads, gems and magnificent things. Whole life we keep on fulfilling the needs of body and neglect our soul. Wouldn't it be wonderful to pause for some minutes and give sometime to our Soul. 
To observe the cycle of universe and feel yourself a part of it.
To rise above the petty problems of the day and feel the magnificence of Being.
To fly with imagination to the unknown worlds of fairies, kabilas, gypsies, forests, mountains, ocean.
To let the Soul fly to the beauties of the world and come back refreshed again. 


Two hours for talking to old friends.
Two hours for playing with kids.
Two hours for letting the feet dance.
Two hours for playing the fingers trance.


Time is precious not because it inherits worth but because we have power to give it the value. Whether a second, a minute, an hour or two we have wonders to do :) 


Believe Yourself because believing is experiencing !!


Love!!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

A wish : S.J

She had taken so many lovers. Love stayed , love flew, love had put on always new , new faces , but she was tired. She would ask gloomily looking at the falling snow, "why am I blessed with such a curse?" And I would only look into her pretty sad eyes. There was nowhere now the wish to be loved by other. Nomore the wish to fly. Nolonger the wish to live. But since life was a truth she couldn't deny, she wanted to live it in a humble penitence. In loving the nature, learning the art of healing, winning over passions... ah! but even sometimes a genuine wish can not conquer the human passions. A storm lay beneath the calm sea of her countenance. Hers was a story of passion and not penitence. Lives were waiting to write her story. Unconscious though she was of her destiny, every man is somewhat conscious of what lies ahead. Destiny reveals itself in the bouts of passion and countenance. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

my Own Being - S.J

She loved ugly. "Because we all have the dark side and which is not a Madonna's beauty". But I was talking about the Night. I was lying down looking at his grotesque gestures while sleeping. But he is fine. I looked at the faded blue light  coming from a small window. A part of heart said , wake up , its the time to write. Another part said... and thus the heart utters two things and ditches very friendly. I miss her. I miss the old days when she was with me and we talked about heaven and hell , but mostly about the gap between. She loved ghosts and I would become one for her sometimes. Nostalgia. Is such an inadequate word. I miss her sometimes like my own being. 




Tuesday, November 1, 2011

And I am not so happy these days

And I am not so happy these days 
For the happiness drinks me to the emptiness.




Flowers become shrine for my love
Love that was never so fresh
And I am not so happy these days.

Shadows talk to me in whisper
Dark moments bask in sun rays
And I am not so happy these days.

When you hold me I drown into limbo
Quiet is world , past says
And I am not so happy these days.


Monday, October 31, 2011

pearlies

*  O thou Pearl
    White-not
    But Beautiful.

*   Lil lil Mermaid
     Frock-pearl-pink
     Under blue Shade.

*   Old yellow leaves
     scent of love; deserted
     afternoon libraries

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Fallen Angel

She was sin. Another name of it. And she was a fallen angel. How can a human might redeem her of her sins? Fallen Angels lose every virtue but few, very humane. And one of them was Faith. She believed strongly that an Angel would come to redeem her , give her place back, fix her wings and show the vast azure sky, make her feel the vastness of a seed and travel whole universe in a twinkling of an eye. Everything would be fine she had patience of unique stature, she had hope...  

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Daughter of Earth - S.J

...She said pensively , "We are all bound to hurt each other." She kept drowning into nihilistic meditations until...
He loved her till his last breath and she kept denying the very possibility of love. She would say till her last days, "Tragedy grows with us within us if we... " She would stop defining things. She knew in her soul what she meant but she wouldn't let out the secret and this secret , this secret took away his life...  We unknowingly write our own destinies while all the time we believe its He , the doer , He does with us in witty ways and we are blinds , we are deaf , we are ... she would say nothing what we are but now since she is safe and peaceful in her grave , she will speak through rough winds , storms and Tsunami... she had loved water ,the force of life and... She said Goodbye to the earth but she will not be happy in Heaven she will come back soon. She is the daughter of Earth. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Be the Candle




Why to fret and Frown
Over darkness
Be the Candle yourself !

Let us Burn
the Candle
of 
our Faith
This Diwali.

Just Believe

Love!!

Happy Diwali



We two 
are
but 
One Light

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Rejection












Rejection -
I fall not
Feet feel the earth
Leaves of grass
and broken worm eggs. 

Mother

In dark, low and deep,
Brooding and nodding,
My mother sits. Mother !
You have a right to hurt
I had also hurt you long back
When I had stuck like a jellyfish
to your cord
(though everyone said I was a gift to you.)
Now you have a right to hurt back.
Years of trampling on your heart
has turned it into a rock
And I do understand -
I do understand,
What we give
come back to us
(and perhaps with double force.)
Now its your turn
Give !
I will take.
I had also hurt you long back.



[http://www.everypoet.net/poetry/blogs/jeanie]

Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Warrior

A few days ago I had realized God tests yon only in the matter you can fight best. He trusts you that you can fight , he gives all the power to you to do so. Only and only you need to begin once and go on forever.
~~~*~~~

I am Sylvia

I am Sylvia.
My poem is incomplete.
I had ... someday...long ago
an intuition
There is an end.
and i am a ...
incomplete poem-
hollow manuscript-
i am none
a cloud of cloud
mud and earth
roll and rainbow but
i am not a poet
i am none.
i am sylvia...

Friday, October 14, 2011

Land of SUN


It is no land of SUN
A holy face emerges
from behind a tamarind tree
to turn into a rebel
But when he is dying
Each romantic girl sees in his face
A shadow of his dream man
A tear is falling...
Romanticism is the heat and shower here
And yes, I am that girl.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Poet

Even if I fall in love with a poet , I will never marry him. For 


he can be an object of love but not care.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Crime

How do you define a crime?
Is that when you kill someone?
Or rape personal thoughts?
When you deceive a friend?
Or when you cheat your own heart?
How do you define a crime?
When something is illegal?
Or illicit? Or just unconvincing to ur heart?
How do you define...
Oh why I am convinced...
Oh why...

Monday, September 26, 2011

My Story





Hello Mr. Roy , Hope you had a pleasant journey?

Oh yes it was good. The weather was fine.  Both Dr Mathur and Dr Roy shook hands. Dr. Mathur who was in hurry tried to cut short the formalities and said with good humor, “ Well we have arranged one cottage for you. Please make yourself comfortable. I will join you for lunch and meanwhile if you need anything tell Raju he will take care of everything. “

Both shook hands again. And Dr. Mathur sped out of the room.

Doctor Roy while taking a hot bath in his cottage looked out at the green fields. They seemed to him extremely quiet as if not a leaf turned over in many years. The valley seemed to him like a beautiful cold dead bride. Everything had come to a standstill.

In the afternoon over lunch Dr Mathur told Dr Rao about the mental hospital and some special cases. Doctor Rao was a psychiatrist practicing in Noida and he had agreed with the Hospital authorities in Almora to observe the general scenario and see some special cases. After observing every nook and cranny of the hospital,  at supper he asked Dr Mathur if he can look at the personal stuff of patients. Dr Mathur, who was a man who doesn’t mind anything at anytime, promised Dr Rao to show him stuff with brief detail about every curious thing.

At night, Dr Roy walked under the dark sky with little lamps shining over him. He had never in his life seen so many stars twinkling. It seemed to him that a long time has passed since he had seen the sky at night. He felt so peaceful. Suddenly his wife’s face came before his eyes. Oh how much loves her. All the days from his courtship period seemed to float before his eyes. Since he became the doctor his all dreams have come true. He has got his true love , a home and a wonderful family. He felt blessed and suddenly in a moment of spiritual frenzy he knelt down , looked up at the sky and silently thanked God for everything he gave him. With a tear in his eye he seized his phone passionately and called up his wife , who was taken aback to see his call because he didn’t realize in his moment of frenzy that it was almost midnight hour when he called up his wife who was sleeping peacefully in her bed.

In the morning Dr. Mathur was showed him personal possessions of patients which Dr Rao carefully inspected.  He picked up a guitar and was amused by the fact that a patient says he was a great guitarist in his last birth, under the guitar there was a diary , somehow it attracted him greatly. As he flipped the initial pages , Dr. Mathur looked at him gravely, Dr. Rao asked him, “whose diary it is?” ,  “a girl’s… who is very strange.” “Why? What is the matter with her?” , “Well… she does not seem like a lunatic. Not at all. But when we told her that she is not insane and she can go she did strange things to prove that she is not mentally well. We had to keep her here. . I never understood why but every month  she spends a week at a special house situated some ten miles away from here.” , “hmm… .”

After a tedious day, at night Dr. Rao kept looking at the stars but somehow his thoughts turned to the girl who claimed to be lunatic. Why would someone do so? To run away from reality? Or she had no one to go to? What if she needed some help? Lost in thoughts, Dr. Rao suddenly remembered he had her diary. He went in , switched on the night lamp and began to read from first page.
The world is pretty but unbearable. Let me then retire into the silence and never wake up from it. …

My world? Whatever the world whoever it is , its growing smaller day by day, growing dark like a Black moon. It does shine but bleakly and it does blow up tides into my heart… my heart is an ocean but I am... I am very thirsty…

Life has taught me one thing and it is … the courage to speak the truth… But it is very strange life has taught me something it’s contrary too… it has taught me to alter the reality… it is an astute trick to survive which your confrontation with truth wouldn’t let you do…

I will write my story and if one man reads it and prays for my soul, I shall pray for his when I am dead.

Something touched Dr. Rao and he shut the diary quickly. He tried to sleep but it won’t come to him easily. He could have intuition that a storm was awaiting him. A storm which could either wipe his guilt away or wash his own existence from earth. Not the name but a face – a blurred face appeared when he closed his eyes …a voice tried to reach his ears… something he could feel in the air… a call… perhaps it was a call… when he woke up in the morning , he found a car was waiting outside his cottage. The driver told him that Dr Mathur has sent the car to visit the patients of special house. So he was to meet that girl? He couldn’t imagine further. He got ready fast. Didn’t eat his breakfast and hurried into the car.
On his way, he noticed tall deodar trees but even the exotic drive couldn’t pacify his agitated soul. He asked for the girl as soon as he stepped out of the car. The manager showed him the way to her room. He went alone holding the diary in his coat’s pocket.

The door was opened. As Dr Roy stepped into the room it welcomed him with a lovely fragrant. A figure stood at the window looking outside. He stood at the door in silence but he was taken aback hearing, “Hello doctor! I know you would find your way to me.”  Dr Rao hesitated for a moment and then asked “May I know your name please.” The face turned towards him. It was not a very handsome face but certain lines on it were so appealing. Curving her lips a little the lady said, “Oh I thought you came because you knew me. Well then let us play with your memory a little,”. The mysterious smile played n her lips. Astounded and troubled Dr. Rao sat on a chair offered by the host. She looked confidently into his eyes and chatted about the weather , the hospital and authority as if she is not the patient but a doctor here. After some moments she asked him where is his sister now a days? And how is his wife? And how are his children? Baffled by the questions he desperately asked her to tell her identity. She again smiled mysteriously. “Did you happen to come across a writer in your life?” I have come across many writers and in fact most of them are my patients. They both laughed at his joke but lady suddenly became grave. She stood up went to a wooden wardrobe and took out a file. She gave the file to the doctor and said, “I know you have come here because you have read my diary. Now read this doctor I shall meet you later sometime.” She went out without even saying goodbye. The doctor thought it was all a dream. And the rest of the day was in fact like a dream. The lady disappeared from the hospital without taking any of her things. Everything seemed so esoteric.

For some unknown reasons Dr. Rao avoided to read the contents of file. But at some hour after mid night Dr Rao felt a sudden curiosity so he opened the file and there he found many loose papers on which as he assumed some poems were scribbled. For some time he randomly read the lines and looked at every paper. Amidst the poems there was a paper on which some prose was written. He thought it would be a piece of fiction. But the title said : My story. He curiously and hurriedly began to read.

My Story

I had seen ghosts, heard mysterious voices, I had cut my wrist nerve, I had thought of suicide several times, I had visited my own grave in my visions and felt someone is watching me every moment. I was not mad but I was becoming one in my childhood. And then one day I discovered a reason for things that were happening with me. I found the bits of my story. How I looked in my past birth, how I met him and then… I don’t know what happened. I wanted to find the story. I decided I would go to abroad to find the places I had seen in my vision. And I knew , because no one would believe me , I will go alone. But things changed. The story gradually faded away. And then one day he came into my life. He was aspiring to be a psychiatrist. Somewhere deep in my heart I thought our destinies were inter-connected. And I felt that at least he will take my feelings seriously if I tell him about my visions. But things ended badly and one day suddenly I disappeared from everyone’s life. Everything happened the way I had imagined. And I just wanted to let them know that I was not wrong. That my visions were not wrong. That I ended up in an asylum. That… I was an angel and I still feel like an angel but the world was never meant for me I had to die in order to live someone was waiting for me up there I have already paid off for my past birth’s sins and now I want to live like a wandering soul wishing to die happily in the arms of mother nature. I am happy and even ecstatic. And oh how much I am sorry … I could never convince my family and friends how much I needed to live like this. I hope you understand.

God bless you doctor and your family too.

He read all of this in a breath and now reading the last line he felt a cold shiver in his body. He closed his eyes tightly and read the last lines.

Please, if you can do me a favor , send my belongings to my sister or brother and ask them to forgive me for I never wished them ill. May God bless them and their families!

With a cold and deep sigh , doctor shut the file and looked out at the moon from his window. The divine moon light soothed his heart and its first impulse of brining Eva back because wherever she was she is following her heart and she is not unhappy. She is following something she believes in. All different emotions agitated Dr. Rao. He paced up and down in his room. He thought of calling his wife and then thought of Eva…it was much because of her he could find his true love. He wished so fervently now that at least she meets him once more so that he could thank her for her incredible friendship. He wished to kiss her soft palms and place his head on her lap… she was right he was an idiotic simple little boy… if he could have understood what was boiling up in her soul he could have … no it was her destiny he could not have saved her from anything…it was her lot… oh Eva… He felt so blissful as the moonbeams touched his face. Sunrays tickled his cheeks where the moon had kissed him at night. The morning was so refreshing. As if the night had washed his past and he had become a different man. He felt so optimistic so full of love and so full of life. Looking at the sun, he prayed for Eva.

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JLT

I WISH I could listen to what you had to say.