Just b-e-l-i-e-v-e!

Last night I saw a horrible dream, I saw I was being sold out to any one of the three men, who wanted me at first  but then changed their thoughts. I was a thing that sold to no buyer. There, you lose your sense of humor and want to be No one rather than some one who could have a price.

You know what, I am really tired. This all, warrior, angel...its a pretty game. But I am tired to play it for so long. I know in my heart what I am. I don't like no games now, give me some peace, that's all I want. 

"Someday I want to do something Crazy, so much that afterwards, I won't care for anything at all. Yes, I dream to be free..."

"there is something dying inside every moment." " There is a tribe, that believes in balance, for each thing that dies, a new takes birth... " 

"It feels like I am standing at the edge of cliff and I am always falling." "But you are only on the edge of cliff, there are others who are actually Falling." "Yes, it is then, it is in that moment, I feel grateful." (S.J.)

I am remembering Mamaton and her blog today. How easily she speaks out her thoughts, perhaps she writes as anonymous or no one among her circle reads her. I want to write in her style today. Someone came into my life, by accident or Divine purpose. The question of getting into a relationship hangs over me like a ghost. I do want it, but at the same time I am afraid. I want to escape it. Escape the very question - whether I want it or no. I heard my heart speaking to me today, it said, it said, no you have to wait. You still have to wait more. But there are other voices inside, who keep on tampering my head. They say, why not, what's wrong, it is final, divine plan, nothing is perfect, everyone has to make a compromise, may be he's the only one, he's good, he's kind, and I am so helpless coz of my fickle mind, I don't want to hurt .... N number of thoughts... they shadow your heart's voice. Only one thing echoes my mind, my whole being - I don't want to ...

"No ! you tell me one thing. Why do you live? Why do you earn? Why do you keep going on? What is that thing, which asks you to take a breath or look at the sun in the morning? No, tell me what it is." " Are you serious? Why do you ask that?" " because...because I have come to feel... you have forgotten our first promise. " "What's that now?" " To live, to live... it is to L-I-V-E... and are we alive?" "Aren't we?" "Yes, a little bit. "   S.J. looked away, with looking away, she looked back in time. She was standing at the crossroads and had just dropped the idea of going for a meeting. For a moment, she had wondered, where to go. And then she was reminded of Alice of Wonderland, and her dilemma, and the wisdom she had received. She could go anywhere, if she didn't know, where to go. Yes, anywhere, she could go.  "I want to go.", S. was herself surprised at her firm voice. ...

The weather has changed. It  changes once in a while when you are waiting for a gleam at the Horizon. "how does it feel to wait?" S.J. asks to the clouds? "You don't wait, you go on, disperse , gather again, and pour out." She asks again, this time to the howling wind, "how does it feel to wait? wait for unknown?" Winds dont wait either. They run wild, where ever they want. They decide the course. " But then who would tell me, how does it feel to wait? And how do you wait? " S.J. looks around. It is not pleasant. When there shall be the heat of Summer , Dark Clouds are hovering like an ill omen. The heat is there, then why the illusion of soothing rains? " I am tired. But I am dreaming of something, I will tell you what. There will be a day when I will tell you, I am not afraid of love. There will be a day when I will leave the door ajar, so that you can come and see me unfolding my mirror. There will be a day when I will call you from ...

happy birthday vish !!! probably it is the last year , I am wishing you like this.

Lying on my bed, and counting stars Feeling the dark of night, deep in my bones and touched by the memory of winter sunlight Letting the words out, incoherent, infinite and knowing, knowing the magic that Silence can perform ! All I need is, a moment away, a moment with eternal silence !

She heard him, she could feel his breath, the cold on his chest, the cloudy air before his eyes, as if she was herself there among the green hills. S.J. slept in the night, thinking of nothing. But Intoxication came over  Nothing. This nothing was so full of everything...one could refuse Nirvaana , one could give away thousand paradises for such...an Intoxication. The morning was hazy. Sun was playing hide n seek. S.J. woke up to find herself back. She found her heart's voice again. She got her confidence back to be herself... for there was nothing to lose when you had yourself. Because if you are lost, everything is lost. Each moment was a moment of self-love... S.J. said to herself in those moments, " oh yes...the answer is no. I had been so much letting my mind intrude the matters of heart. .... god ! I want to let go of myself...into myriad emotions, different patterns of lives, unexplored gestures... I want to drink up the "neat of life", taste it in its purest...

I have been lying a lot to myself from past few months. I have been lying about marriage thing. I don't want to get married so early. I don't want to get married to anyone who is presently in my life. And yes, appearance does matter. Gosh! I have been lying so much... I just woke up today and realized, I cared less about "what I think" and always worried about "what could make others happy" ... I have been also lying to myself about career thing. I am not a job or business type. I am a traveler , who had been always traveling in her mind. I am a dreamer, give me any empty place, i will paint it with my dreams. I can just go on n on n on without stopping anywhere for more than a couple of moments, no matter how much I fall in love with the place... the day I stop anywhere, you know, I have really fallen in :) Love!

I    know              Where                          I went wrong. 

...then suddenly one day , I feel grand, I feel having multitudes I feel High and I feel like River Flowing incessantly towards the destined path...