Saturday, April 27, 2013

Last night I saw a horrible dream, I saw I was being sold out to any one of the three men, who wanted me at first  but then changed their thoughts. I was a thing that sold to no buyer. There, you lose your sense of humor and want to be No one rather than some one who could have a price.

What f?????? title you can give to something like this.

You know what, I am really tired. This all, warrior, angel...its a pretty game. But I am tired to play it for so long. I know in my heart what I am. I don't like no games now, give me some peace, that's all I want. 

notes#

"Someday I want to do something Crazy,
so much that afterwards, I won't care for anything at all.
Yes, I dream to be free..."

dialogue#

"there is something dying inside every moment."
" There is a tribe, that believes in balance, for each thing that dies, a new takes birth... " 

dialogue#


"It feels like I am standing at the edge of cliff and I am always falling."
"But you are only on the edge of cliff, there are others who are actually Falling."
"Yes, it is then, it is in that moment, I feel grateful."
(S.J.)

Friday, April 26, 2013

I need to speak it out...

I am remembering Mamaton and her blog today. How easily she speaks out her thoughts, perhaps she writes as anonymous or no one among her circle reads her. I want to write in her style today.

Someone came into my life, by accident or Divine purpose. The question of getting into a relationship hangs over me like a ghost. I do want it, but at the same time I am afraid. I want to escape it. Escape the very question - whether I want it or no.

I heard my heart speaking to me today, it said, it said, no you have to wait. You still have to wait more. But there are other voices inside, who keep on tampering my head. They say, why not, what's wrong, it is final, divine plan, nothing is perfect, everyone has to make a compromise, may be he's the only one, he's good, he's kind, and I am so helpless coz of my fickle mind, I don't want to hurt .... N number of thoughts... they shadow your heart's voice. Only one thing echoes my mind, my whole being - I don't want to hurt. I have been hurt many times, and I know how it feels like.

P.S. ~ when, at last you come, i will be knowing, i will come to know, why you had to come so late.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

S.J. ~ Alive

"No ! you tell me one thing. Why do you live? Why do you earn? Why do you keep going on? What is that thing, which asks you to take a breath or look at the sun in the morning? No, tell me what it is."
" Are you serious? Why do you ask that?"
" because...because I have come to feel... you have forgotten our first promise. "
"What's that now?"
" To live, to live... it is to L-I-V-E... and are we alive?"
"Aren't we?"
"Yes, a little bit. "  

S.J. looked away, with looking away, she looked back in time. She was standing at the crossroads and had just dropped the idea of going for a meeting. For a moment, she had wondered, where to go. And then she was reminded of Alice of Wonderland, and her dilemma, and the wisdom she had received. She could go anywhere, if she didn't know, where to go. Yes, anywhere, she could go. 

"I want to go.", S. was herself surprised at her firm voice.
"To where?"
"Anywhere."
"WHAT do you mean by anywhere? Have you gone crazy today?"
"Yes... and I feel sorry for not going crazy for all these years."
" Alright. Tell me what do you want. We can talk about it."
"We are only talking about things, its been years n years we are only talking about everything we want to do."
" You want to leave everything at once and go for some adventure."
" Yes that is what I want. To leave everything AT ONCE. For if we don't leave them at once, we will never be able to leave at all. Like always. "
" You think that's possible? "
"Why not possible? What's stopping you ? "
" ohhh.. you are.. so..."
"You don't have an answer, I know."
" You don't want to listen to me."
" Because you have nothing new to say. No new excuses."
" Fine."
" If I leave today, know this, I will live my life, the way I had imagined, and you will live a life not minding where you want to stop, because it is hard to stop once you begin a game with a borrowed Will."

*----*-----*

The gracious boss who agreed to see a tiny little girl with seemingly no experience of maintaining a huge farm with ample of vegetables and fruits of whose all names even she didn't know, was scanning the girl's eyes and was trying to peep in her mind, as to know, what brought this lonely soul so far from the city on her two thin legs. 

"So... where did you work last?"
"At the Minnata Resort on the hill near Chikara Lake."
" And why did you leave that job ?"
" Because I wanted to."
"Give me a reasonable and honest answer."
" Well, sir, I left that job, because I had fallen in love with the place, because the inmates had grown fond of me, because the manager did not want to let me go, so I left it."
" That doesn't convince me at all. When everything was going fair and perfect, why did you leave that?"

" Well, sir, if you would understand it this way, I always wanted to die, as soon as I was born, my first wish was to die. For no particular reason, or nothing which I understood to date. Probably I was too much in love with this life or was curious about after-life... I don't know. All I know is,  As easily as I would want to leave the earth, I want to leave the place which tries to hold me back. Gives me a reason to stay. Chains me to Life. I want to live my Life as if today is the last day. For I believe, Life is not meant to build Future, something of Tomorrow, it is meant to Live Present as if there is no Tomorrow."

"Hmm...you talk nice. You are hired."

"Oh...thank you..."

" Don't be. I can see, you are the right one who can tell these folks that what they have is Life and not A Bag full of Impossibilities."
" I will be glad to show them a light sir."
" Hmm... I see now, why you don't stay at one place for long. The torch is different from a bulb."
"From a tube light too sir." The cabin roared with a thunder laugh , workers could hear it in the field. They all wondered, if the Boss is again drunk till tearing his own pants. But that doesn't matter, they thought, until they could hear something so Vibrating and Humane. 

*-----*------*


 
ceramic tiles jonas gerard

Monday, April 22, 2013

S.J. ~ Tired but Dreaming

The weather has changed. It  changes once in a while when you are waiting for a gleam at the Horizon. "how does it feel to wait?" S.J. asks to the clouds? "You don't wait, you go on, disperse , gather again, and pour out." She asks again, this time to the howling wind, "how does it feel to wait? wait for unknown?" Winds dont wait either. They run wild, where ever they want. They decide the course. " But then who would tell me, how does it feel to wait? And how do you wait? " S.J. looks around. It is not pleasant. When there shall be the heat of Summer , Dark Clouds are hovering like an ill omen. The heat is there, then why the illusion of soothing rains? " I am tired. But I am dreaming of something, I will tell you what. There will be a day when I will tell you, I am not afraid of love. There will be a day when I will leave the door ajar, so that you can come and see me unfolding my mirror. There will be a day when I will call you from our little window and we will watch an old movie together. There will be a day when we would watch our kids growing and when we would wonder how the life would have been without each other. "

Friday, April 19, 2013

happy birthday vish !!!

probably it is the last year , I am wishing you like this.

Monday, April 15, 2013


Lying on my bed, and counting stars
Feeling the dark of night, deep in my bones
and touched by the memory of winter sunlight
Letting the words out, incoherent, infinite
and knowing, knowing the magic that Silence can perform !
All I need is, a moment away, a moment with eternal silence !

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

S.J. ~ little sparkles of light

She heard him, she could feel his breath, the cold on his chest, the cloudy air before his eyes, as if she was herself there among the green hills. S.J. slept in the night, thinking of nothing. But Intoxication came over  Nothing. This nothing was so full of everything...one could refuse Nirvaana , one could give away thousand paradises for such...an Intoxication. The morning was hazy. Sun was playing hide n seek. S.J. woke up to find herself back. She found her heart's voice again. She got her confidence back to be herself... for there was nothing to lose when you had yourself. Because if you are lost, everything is lost. Each moment was a moment of self-love... S.J. said to herself in those moments, " oh yes...the answer is no. I had been so much letting my mind intrude the matters of heart. .... god ! I want to let go of myself...into myriad emotions, different patterns of lives, unexplored gestures... I want to drink up the "neat of life", taste it in its purest of forms... " S.J opened her hairs, looked into the mirror and had a vague feeling that she has seen this girl in the mirror first time, that she would have wanted to cuddle herself... that if there is life, it is here, in these little sparkles of light...
saying images-amazing images with inspired sayings




Tuesday, April 9, 2013

After-Night Thoughts - Intoxicated !

I have been lying a lot to myself from past few months. I have been lying about marriage thing. I don't want to get married so early. I don't want to get married to anyone who is presently in my life. And yes, appearance does matter. Gosh! I have been lying so much... I just woke up today and realized, I cared less about "what I think" and always worried about "what could make others happy" ...

I have been also lying to myself about career thing. I am not a job or business type. I am a traveler , who had been always traveling in her mind. I am a dreamer, give me any empty place, i will paint it with my dreams. I can just go on n on n on without stopping anywhere for more than a couple of moments, no matter how much I fall in love with the place... the day I stop anywhere, you know, I have really fallen in :) Love!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

I
   know

             Where

                         I went wrong. 

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

...then suddenly one day ,

I feel grand, I feel having multitudes

I feel High and I feel like River

Flowing incessantly towards the destined path...

laura makabresku - river

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I WISH I could listen to what you had to say.