I dont know I should write it or no.And I dont know whether I will be to able to convey my emotions honestly and objectively. But all I know is, that I need to write it. I just read Shannon Hayes's article "Saying goodbye : What do we teach kids about death ? ", which begins with the words - "My grandfather is dying." And I felt goose bump in my stomach. My grandfather is also dying. But unlike her , I am far away from him. Unlike her , I don't feel much for him. Unlike her , I don't feel it... feel it deeply.Perhaps it is because I am five hundred miles away from him or I am not sure , if I would have felt same , were I near him at his bedside. Perhaps , it doesn't move me because he is old and I want his sufferings to end. Or perhaps it is just a poor ingenuine excuse. I feel ashamed and at the same time I know number of my relatives who come to visit him daily , feel the same thing , perhaps more cruelly than me.
In her article , Shannon Hayes suggests , why don't we let the kids experience it, when death is working slowly with any of our dear ones. As a child , she was kept away from such experiences. But as a mother , she chooses to let her children see their great grandfather dying. She wants them to understand that death is not an end , its just a transition. She wants them to experience the unity and love the family shows to her grandfather. She wants them to learn to make something beautiful of even such dreadful event.
Though I am moved not directly , but it is painful to see my mother and her efforts to bring me solace. I am sure she is strong and can deal with it but she thinks of me too frail. She would call up these days and in her wavering voice tell me things like - you don't worry beta , everything will be fine , he (grandpa) is feeling well now ... sometimes when things are worst she would try to hide them but her words would ditch her - how are you , how is your preparation going on? , concentrate on your studies , dont worry about grandpa , God will take care of everything , everything will be fine , ok , you dont worry , 'apne aap ko sambhalna' ... and so on... and I would later come to know that at that time Grandpa was seriously ill.
I wonder , what make them think that I will be too moved or disturbed to concentrate in studies. How little they know of me. How little parents know of the inner growth of their children. How little generally they are concerned with such things. I would in fact have liked to be there and feel the death working mysteriously with my granddad , to observe the effect it creates on different people , to explore the reactions and actions of my relatives. And of course , I would have liked to trace the minutest change occurring in my granddad's psyche and heart.
But is it always that toward the end of life , realization comes? Realizations about the deeds of past , about the nature of life and about the nature of death itself. I think its an individual thing. It is like , whether person is theist or atheist externally , the realization of God may come or may not come to him , it solely depends on their internal (spiritual) life and not external.
I think I would have moved , and moved deeply , if I would have seen a little bit of realization on my grand father's part. But I am disappointed. And still , I think this incident is leading me toward some realization. Realization of my duties - duty to serve him unconditionally , irrespective of his attitudes. Ultimately , my life will continue and later not serving him whole heartedly may hinder my peace of mind. And perhaps giving my hundred percent may give me a chance to see the essential of a human being - bare soul of a dying man. Sure it would be some reward. But I imagine of a more wild thing , of a more ethereal reward - of the transformation of his soul before it leaves his petite body. And if anything I pray for him , I pray for this realization - Realization to Transformation.
Examination room. tensed. As soon as saw the paper a bit relaxed. Speed was slow yet knew would easily complete the paper. Last one question and last one hour. And though needed concentration , mind was roaming behind the young boy like a tail.Wait I am talking about a little kid , not so little of course but cute kid. Ten-eleven year old , fat , black and with green or perhaps red color glares. Wooo and what the kid was doing in the examination hall - roaming around and checking on students if anyone is daring to cheat in his presence. lolz. I was totally amused. And more when he was coming towards me.
He peeped into my answer sheet , I looked at his face - that was All Smiling Me. I must be looking like a fool as that kid sarcastically said - hanso mat , paper do ... I said - I have enough time. Suddenly he went to his mother and few seconds later came back to me and said - its 5 o clock. I said - I know that. (perhaps he thought I was asking time from him) For further proof , I showed him my wrist watch , lying down on the table . And He looked ditched , and after few second's recovery he yelled at me - You Liar! I was like - Amazed ! "You liar girl .. you liar..." saying this he ran away... and I just couldn't hold back my laughter.
Come on I didn't laugh there at that time... But after that for almost one whole hour , he kept lingering around me. He would tell me his observations of the room and students. And I tell you he was quite observant , probably gifted with the Divine Insight. Because he called a girl sitting behind me - "She is on the Bad Girl list , because she is staring at me" lolz... Little Devil ! I loved this one. Actually I too didn't like the girl.
Well standing beside me , he would draw objects (of my choice, asking me again and again what he should draw :D) and write his name on the blackboard. And his mother , our lecturer perhaps knew that I needed his company , as I was getting bugged , she didn't much stop him from troubling a girl in her Final Examination. What a modern mom she was ! And a careless Invigilator ! But its okay with me. I liked the boy. Aha!! Deepak... Deepak was his name :D
So this is for the young Boy - Deepak - - - You Rock Man !!! :P
Let's say you don't read me Then there is this poem And if you don't read it too I will not cry over it Though tears have their Own reasons to flow I wont mind these little things. And let's say someone reads me And reads this poem too I will not move on (I tell you) I have seen all There is no where to be found One thing - one being That mirrors your Soul.
I have found my true self - Amidst the naked trees Who sometimes wear the sun rays, And sometimes the moonbeams, And the birdies Who find music in their flights -unlike my butterfly heart - Now I have found my true self, I am a Tribal Woman - In Autumn who sheds, Breathe in Spring again.
The nine huts in a row Bare and still like Death Under the sky stark Black. Far a fire that summons A pair of thick anklet And a shadow behind ~ consumed the fire both From Ashes they Rise again A formless body - A pair of thick anklet.