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Showing posts from 2013

Christmas 2013

Christmas had always been very special to me. I don't know why. I always want to celebrate it grandly. If I had My money in My account, I would have spent much of it in picking up the gifts for everyone I love. Even as a Hindu, Christmas is  special to me because on this day, and from this day to the first day of New year, you can sit down, slow the pace, relax a bit, look back at the trail of Big year, do a bit self-analysis. You can also, plan n prepare for the new year, take resolutions, make some promises and care to share happiness around. Well I guess, the first promise which I am going to make right now is - to be like a child and never miss to celebrate the Christmas . Love the life !!! :)


S.J - Pray

It was a strange morning. In fact a strange day. It started all mysterious , a kind of you can call an omen. But through out the day she fought with her mental miseries, spiritual... loop-holes , if I can call that, and if you can still understand the gravity of it.

"I wish I had been earning." S.J. kept muttering it all evening. And at the end a tiny-soft echo was heard in the sky , " Are you not earning? Earning enough of values - patience, tolerance, acceptance !!! what not ! They are priceless. And so what you have earned is also Priceless. No one can take it away from you. It will neither destroy nor change. It will only grow and grow more with each moment. "
"Enough of that ! I don't want it. I am a simple human being." S.J. cried out.
"Oh really ! I thought you will never forget who you are. A sweet angel. A true warrior princess and..."
"Stop it please. You know its the most important period in life. I want everything perfect. I…

Career Mess

Its been almost two years since I am struggling with the question - what I want to do. Its not that I don't know what my interests are, but I have no idea what to do with them. (?)
Today was another shock at career front. Faced another big failure when I missed the opportunity for Phd. Actually it was my mistake. Mistake of Ignorance. But I can't help it. Unconsciously I wanted to miss it.
Gggrrrhhh... I seriously dunnoo... whether I will be a Big Mess, Big Loser, or a Seagull who learns the secrets of high Flight.
Just watch me out !

S.J. ~ Meditating Messihah

S.J. woke up early today. While waiting for the Sun to rise, she looked into her heart. Is it like yesterday inside there? Is she restless? depressed? sad? Is there any black out? No. The light was peeping in through all the little holes she had made by "enlightening thoughts". The thoughts and ideas of Great Masters who lived or still living on this earth. Messihas eh? A smile appeared at the corner of her lips, she said to herself, " The great teachers of our world, are they any different from us? Like, eight legs and twelve hands? Or with super powers which can create many universes? Were they always like how they appear now? ... "

 S.J. knew the answers to all her questions, she said, " No. They are no different than us. It is just that, they listened the voice of their hearts more often and more clearly than us. That they were also broken and hurt and lived in the middle of chaos, disturbed mind and perturbed soul but they never wavered from their faith …

unknown ; unconscious

dreams...dreams....dreams... I am talking about those which you see with close eyes, which show you the other world, takes you into your unconscious and reveal to you the secrets hidden deep in your soul.

I am a dreamer. Both with open and close eyes. I can't stop dreaming and dreams can't help coming to me. Since childhood , I had been watching strange smoky dreams. The silly thing is , I still remember most of them, as if they have become a part of my reality, a part of my own being. I don't know whether they shaped me or I created them but they seem to me as real as real incidents can be.

After my last night dream, (early morning dream) it occurred to me to write a series on my dreams. To pen down, every detail and their probable meanings.  I like to interpret dreams. I might not be able to write them in their proper order, but anyway, they will help a lot to reveal what my unconscious is like - oh, don't mind if its too dirty or dark , I bet, yours is neither bett…

JLT

" Don't you feel like Puking sometimes? Spitting out everything you had kept chewing till now. Things you haven't told anyone because you found them too silly or unimportant or temporary? Things you fear to speak out only because it might spoil other's mood? Things you don't speak because you like to escape feelings? You like to keep them to yourself, buried deep down? Because you think you don't fit anywhere? Because you are embarrassed to say you are lonely? Because you are a liar ? Because you are a coward that you cant utter the truth ? Don't you think, things would have been better, if everyone could speak truth about how they feel and everyone could forgive each other for it. "

S.J. - Nightmare

"It is always the Nightmare, after a Happy Dream, isn't it mom?"
"No, nothing is always alike. It depends on you."
"Then why I always choose that?"
"Because you are an unhappy child, (like your  mother.)"

S.J. - its lonely out there, and inside too...

After that terrible feeling had subsided, and S.J. had become as comfortable as she could speak to herself about it, and she spoke these words , “I want to tell you something. Today I experienced it again, although for a fraction of second but I did it and I got to know why it happened to me in my childhood. It happened because I was terribly lonely. And it happened today because … I was lonely. I hear voices when I am lonely. They tell me they are lonely too. They tell me they want to talk to me. I know it is fake, it is made-up in my mind but I still believe it, I believe they exist and talk to me, because I am lonely, and I want to hear them myself. I can’t tell you, how lonely I have been in my life. And you can never know how lonely it is to stay alone inside four walls for a long long time… or probably you know that too… but you don’t know what it has done to me, what all it has taken from me … and that… you will only know after I am gone for the good.” 

[ There was a time whe…

S.J. - Appreciating Life

"I love the strange nights." Those were the first words of S.J. in the morning. Sheena said sleepily, " I know... you love them...even those that scares me to death." "Yeah... I just love anything that breaks the chain of sameness." Saying this S.J. went to the kitchen to prepare a cup of tea, yes, that's how she celebrates every good thing in her life or thought in her mind, by drinking tea. While the pan was on the stove, S.J. uttered the Morning Glory Words loudly, " I am great, greater than this world, greater than this Life, I am something Divine, Pure, Beautiful... though last night I was a bit stupid, but that's okay, I allow myself to be stupid sometimes, ohh...life would be so boring without stupidity you see...(here, S.J. winked wickedly) oh..how  hot I look with open hairs... I am going to look hot today. And... Yes... I want to tell you something this morning. Don't let it grow inside you. You are a sweetheart. When ever you …

S.J. - celebrating the moment, as it is

Sheena got perplexed , when S.J. muttered something looking out of the window, that whether S.J. is happy about her new life or no. Just as Sheena tried to ask something, S.J. smiled faintly and begun to say, as if talking to herself, " No it is never as you imagine. Its like, when you imagine to go worse, everything goes great. And as you imagine everything to be perfect, there comes a bad time. So what is this all for? Doesn't it tell you that Today, this Moment is Perfect. It is as it should be. It is meant to Celebrate as it is. Because there is no sense in looking for something else than what we have at present. If we are lonely, we might want some company. And when we have company we might want to be alone. What sense is in it? Always looking for something else. Always being unsatisfied. Always fretting and getting irritated, complaining and being unhappy.... there is no sense in living this way. "



Sheena not knowing what to say was just wondering what had happene…

Being Grown-up means...

t is like this when you grow up - - - you spend a whole day in two slides. One , the past running in your mind - as memories, good or bad. Two, the present, which you actually pass like a vapor and eventually put it into Category One for the coming few months. 

Being a Grown-up means - you fight hard to Live in Present and you struggle hard to keep up with your silly-starry dreams.

You have grown-up when you realize at one point - - - oh this is for kids, this is not like a Grown-up. 

But I don't hate Growing-up... One good ball in the court-of Grown-ups is - they get to Act like Responsible. :) And I dont completely hate it ;)

I will go on..

I don't care even if my people, the ones whom I call mine, 
will not take part in the celebration of life, I will go on...

It is not just the 'Celebration' of life, 
it is 'Celebration of ideas , of attitude, of God's grace ' ,
it is in fact 'Celebration of celebrate' , if no one comes, I'll go on...

I will go on, and at each turn, at each height, I will look for them,
I will call their names, I will sing to them
And if still no one comes,
I will go on... will go on to celebrate
the beauty of life.

S.J. - It is all a circle, you come to the point where you are meant to, no matter what way you choose.

As soon as you get what you had prayed for, you tend to be unthankful and complaining. You wonder, what if you had chosen another option ? But nothing makes any difference. You just circle around and reach at the point where you are meant to. No matter what way you choose. S.J broods about human behavior and how it is never contented with anything. The clouds are very low today , the weather very serene and ... was uneventful life when you could just dream without having the risk of any outcomes in the real world better ?  The world out there is dark , grey , shadowy ... the only solace in this world of crowd is her own heart ...
" will I be able to love him...surrender myself...?" S.J looked away, her mind was clattering hard but her heart tried to calm the voices of her mind... her heart said, " no past no future just live in the moment... just live the clouds live the green hills life the empty road just live the going on and on ... " 
You know wat its very funny
you wake up in the morning with a weird feeling
that you had been sleeping very long
and all that happened till now
was
just a dream

S.J. - how it feels like

" If you ask me how it feels like ... well I would say... it feels like you have given yourself to the winds, fierce winds, and you know not, where they will take you..." S.J. spoke to an old friend , who listened to her as someone listens to the voice of train coming from far away.  " I know, it sounds very alien... it seemed to me as well half an year ago... but soon you will find yourself in the same line. Everyone around us, has almost same experiences but then everyone thinks his/her's is unique..."  ... "I don't want to think about it." soyo, her friend said. "Its a sign that you haven't accepted what you should have, when it chokes your heart... accept it soyo..." "You don't sound happy... is it a bad experience.?"  " No... not a bad one... but for a bird like me, not a good one either." "What do you want then, a final thing?"  " I don't know... you know what... I have stopped thinki…

I m grateful

I can't think of a single gift that I might ask for on this bday.

I have got plenty...more than I could ever imagine...

I am Grateful.



Last night I saw a horrible dream, I saw I was being sold out to any one of the three men, who wanted me at first  but then changed their thoughts. I was a thing that sold to no buyer. There, you lose your sense of humor and want to be No one rather than some one who could have a price.

dialogue#

"It feels like I am standing at the edge of cliff and I am always falling."
"But you are only on the edge of cliff, there are others who are actually Falling."
"Yes, it is then, it is in that moment, I feel grateful."
(S.J.)

I need to speak it out...

I am remembering Mamaton and her blog today. How easily she speaks out her thoughts, perhaps she writes as anonymous or no one among her circle reads her. I want to write in her style today.

Someone came into my life, by accident or Divine purpose. The question of getting into a relationship hangs over me like a ghost. I do want it, but at the same time I am afraid. I want to escape it. Escape the very question - whether I want it or no.

I heard my heart speaking to me today, it said, it said, no you have to wait. You still have to wait more. But there are other voices inside, who keep on tampering my head. They say, why not, what's wrong, it is final, divine plan, nothing is perfect, everyone has to make a compromise, may be he's the only one, he's good, he's kind, and I am so helpless coz of my fickle mind, I don't want to hurt .... N number of thoughts... they shadow your heart's voice. Only one thing echoes my mind, my whole being - I don't want to hur…

S.J. ~ Alive

"No ! you tell me one thing. Why do you live? Why do you earn? Why do you keep going on? What is that thing, which asks you to take a breath or look at the sun in the morning? No, tell me what it is." " Are you serious? Why do you ask that?" " because...because I have come to feel... you have forgotten our first promise. " "What's that now?" " To live, to live... it is to L-I-V-E... and are we alive?" "Aren't we?" "Yes, a little bit. "  
S.J. looked away, with looking away, she looked back in time. She was standing at the crossroads and had just dropped the idea of going for a meeting. For a moment, she had wondered, where to go. And then she was reminded of Alice of Wonderland, and her dilemma, and the wisdom she had received. She could go anywhere, if she didn't know, where to go. Yes, anywhere, she could go. 
"I want to go.", S. was herself surprised at her firm voice. "To where?" …

S.J. ~ Tired but Dreaming

The weather has changed. It  changes once in a while when you are waiting for a gleam at the Horizon. "how does it feel to wait?" S.J. asks to the clouds? "You don't wait, you go on, disperse , gather again, and pour out." She asks again, this time to the howling wind, "how does it feel to wait? wait for unknown?" Winds dont wait either. They run wild, where ever they want. They decide the course. " But then who would tell me, how does it feel to wait? And how do you wait? " S.J. looks around. It is not pleasant. When there shall be the heat of Summer , Dark Clouds are hovering like an ill omen. The heat is there, then why the illusion of soothing rains? " I am tired. But I am dreaming of something, I will tell you what. There will be a day when I will tell you, I am not afraid of love. There will be a day when I will leave the door ajar, so that you can come and see me unfolding my mirror. There will be a day when I will call you from…
Lying on my bed, and counting stars
Feeling the dark of night, deep in my bones
and touched by the memory of winter sunlight
Letting the words out, incoherent, infinite
and knowing, knowing the magic that Silence can perform !
All I need is, a moment away, a moment with eternal silence !

S.J. ~ little sparkles of light

She heard him, she could feel his breath, the cold on his chest, the cloudy air before his eyes, as if she was herself there among the green hills. S.J. slept in the night, thinking of nothing. But Intoxication came over  Nothing. This nothing was so full of everything...one could refuse Nirvaana , one could give away thousand paradises for such...an Intoxication. The morning was hazy. Sun was playing hide n seek. S.J. woke up to find herself back. She found her heart's voice again. She got her confidence back to be herself... for there was nothing to lose when you had yourself. Because if you are lost, everything is lost. Each moment was a moment of self-love... S.J. said to herself in those moments, " oh yes...the answer is no. I had been so much letting my mind intrude the matters of heart. .... god ! I want to let go of myself...into myriad emotions, different patterns of lives, unexplored gestures... I want to drink up the "neat of life", taste it in its pures…

After-Night Thoughts - Intoxicated !

I have been lying a lot to myself from past few months. I have been lying about marriage thing. I don't want to get married so early. I don't want to get married to anyone who is presently in my life. And yes, appearance does matter. Gosh! I have been lying so much... I just woke up today and realized, I cared less about "what I think" and always worried about "what could make others happy" ...

I have been also lying to myself about career thing. I am not a job or business type. I am a traveler , who had been always traveling in her mind. I am a dreamer, give me any empty place, i will paint it with my dreams. I can just go on n on n on without stopping anywhere for more than a couple of moments, no matter how much I fall in love with the place... the day I stop anywhere, you know, I have really fallen in :) Love!
...then suddenly one day ,

I feel grand, I feel having multitudes

I feel High and I feel like River

Flowing incessantly towards the destined path...

Between you and me

You are not just a blog, alright, and you know it.  Though sometimes a couple of anonymous comments come between you and me, But we will be true to each other, anyway. Deal, right?  We will be true to each other !!


Thank you for being one ;)

How a bond builds up....

How a bond builds up....

It builds up slowly gradually when you both think about each other, and do things for each other.

I remember my last Holi. Holi is one festival, on which I really like to shut up myself in my room. But last year, it was my brother who expressed a wish to play holi. And I agreed. I still remember what I was thinking at that time. I had thought, this might be our last holi and after years when I look back I would regret to break his heart and miss this chance. I don't know since when I decided, I won't miss the chance. And really, it is the only holi which I would remember fondly after years n years...
So, perhaps, that's how a bond builds up :)

when present holds no keys...

I know what I need right now.

To be put in danger. So that I can feel life.

To be put in extreme situation. So that I can take a decision.

To be put in compromising situation. So that I can show, I have got some ground.

To be asked to stay in hole. So that I can choose to fly.

Yeah... one day she told my friend, I won't fly, coz I am used to comforts now. What is it actually that binds me to this place? Is it really my own comfort? I know now, what people must be saying about me.
No no... I am not the girl who would say - - - I had a dream once.
I am going to do it. I am going to take a decision soon. It would a little painful in the beginning. It might be a mistake. But I don't care anymore about making mistakes. All I care for is - that I am listening to my heart - even if it takes me miles away ... on an undiscovered land ! Or binds me to my duty.

"When present holds no keys
for the Future doors
Just sit by the window
and dream for a blue sky,
for a blue sea... "…

that Life is a gift...

Those who have a life, always wonder what would happen if everything ends unexpectedly. Years ago, Jeanie used to wonder if she could have another story. A one thrilling and unexpected. 
Jeanie dreamed it this way - 
She always wants to die, not because she does not love her life but she loves death more. She was in love with death, as someone falls in love with the Blue Poison. One day she gets to know she is going to die soon.  She is happy beyond limits. But at the same time she begins to feel restless. How she would spend her last days? What she would do? There were plenty of things to do. Those she had planned to do when something happens like this. Well, she makes a plan. She will spend her last days, making moments. 
Jeanie quits her job. Packs her stuff. Locks her house. And goes out. No plans. She just goes out, any street , any city, any place ... She behaves crazy at times but tries never to lose the touch with her aim - making moments. She makes friends with strangers, li…

Again- being the butterfly!

Today would be a lovely day, to be a butterfly !

The little green jungl

"There's a surprise for you!"
"What's that tell me."
"There's a surprise for you , when you would come down here."
"Aahh... really! I am waiting for it."

The virtual window closed but the dream window opened and how swiftly you flow on dreams till the very reality closes you tight in its embrace. Jay reached on the land of Warriors. The whole group planned a camp-out. "What a surprise!" Jay exclaimed. "Enjoy..." Tadz teased her with his lovely smile. They stayed on a hill that looked to the little green jungle. While in the group some were drinking, other dancing, some had secrets to share, Jay was quietly letting the Nature do wonder with her. Contrary to her own imagination, she fell quiet when she met all her friends after months. She went early to sleep. She woke up around mid-night and knew it was supposed to be this way only. She left the camp, and headed downwards to the little green jungle. It was calling…

The Tale of a Rat

So it is about this Rat who has invaded our little home with a little privacy. For a days, we would set a trap and throw them out nicely. But one day, this new chap, or may be the old-experienced one entered our home and is still playing hide-n-seek. This is a real clever fellow. First of all, he is not at all greedy. What not we put up for him in the trap? A bite of chapati, then a tomato, and then the crumbs of bread- he will just not get affected. One day he entered into my room. Well, it was not one day. It was One night. You can imagine what happened then. lol. No, its not that, that I screamed, shouted, woke up all around in the range of few kilometers. No... I cursed him. I can't imagine it is a She-Rat. lol. I tip-toed out of the room, and slept or.. rather could not sleep that night. Aw... I can't tell you, since that day, I have begun to hate Rats in an altogether different way. The next morning, we all wondered on why the rat is not trapped yet. May be, he is not a…

Who she is.

At one moment she is Jeanie, hurt immensely in her search of love, another moment she is Samyaa, an exiled warrior princess. At moments she takes up a  name S.J., to hide herself from the severity of the world, at other times she wears her real identity to show to the world, she hasn't quit. And she will never.





Angel ~ S.J

S.J whispered to the winds, losing herself in every touch of wind, " Why do I do it? I don't know.
Its just about the heart. It tells you to do, and you do it.
And I have always believed in what my heart says.
So, I welcome whatever comes."

The wind whispered back softly,"you are an angel."

I am beyond...

Nothing could have bound me to date, no one will ever. I am the wind, fierce but free. I am the sky, vast yet free. I am the earth, dutiful but free. I am the water, can you still bound me?
I am not your daughter, I am not your sister, I am not anyone's friend or lover. I am energy. You see with positive lenses, I am positive. You see me from negative lenses, I am negative. You see me red, I become that for you. You see me blue, I become that for you. But I have no color of my own. I have no name of my own, but you have given me so many names, and so you astray.

I seem to have a past, but how many pasts have I then? See beyond, you will have your answers.
I will have a future, but the seeds of my future have already been sown, only the flower is yet to born, the fruits yet to flourish. Believe in the process, believe on the time, free yourself, Divine will hold your hand. She surely Guides those who have given themselves to Her. She is Mother of Universe, She is the Soul of all S…
No seriously, its the height of everything. I need to grow young. Lol.

At least, I should behave according to my age. Hang outs, spend a lot until I go bankrupt. Run Away. Double Dates, Flirt around( oh my god, I have almost forgotten to flirt !) My ! what the heck I have become, a pile of Good Old Books. No no no... I need to check on it. I need to go back. Need to live, commit more mistakes , come on, what if I get Moksha in this life? No Man. I need to do bad karmas to be able to born again. Karma cycle you see. Its so strict. Its almost the time to be what you haven't got opportunity to be. ;)

love

(Laugh out loud) I just can't believe I am single. I mean, F--- man! I am single ! There can't be eighth wonder than this. And I can't feel how love feels like. I can't feel like a teenage girl anymore. I can't imagine talking crap with you. Sometimes I can't imagine at all. That's awful at times, when you can't imagine the love of your life. I can imagine sacrifice, i can imagine, purpose, i can imagine duty, i can imagine marriage, but i can't imagine love anymore, i can't imagine fun, i can't imagine care, i can't imagine possessiveness, i can't imagine madness, i can't imagine love that is beyond morality and that's why they have gone from my stories too. I want to be a fool in love, a mad, a possessive, an eccentric , just like any other girl. Yes, I want to love.
P.S. ~ Make me love you !

Jeanne!

“Jeanne, I fell asleep among the paintings, where I could sit for many days worshipping your portrait. I fell in love with your portrait, Jeanne, because it will never change. I have such a fear of seeing you grow old, Jeanne, I fell in love with an unchanging you that will never be taken away from me. I was wishing you would die, so that no one could take you away from me, and I would love the painting of you as you would look eternally.” 

― Anaïs Nin

P.S. I have got my Jeanie, again.

such similarity !

“A man fell in love with Jeanne, and she tried to love him. But she complained that he uttered such ordinary words, that he could never say the magic phrase which would open her being.” 


― Anaïs Nin, Under a Glass Bell

I feel as if I am her Incarnation. 

my blog - my journal !

“I only regret that everybody wants to deprive me of the journal, which is the only steadfast friend I have, the only one which makes my life bearable, because my happiness with human beings is so precarious, my confiding moods rare, and the least sign of non-interest is enough to silence me. In the journal I am at ease.” 

― Anaïs Nin

musings of a born-troubled soul -2

What was that animal, who , at the sight of a little gleam, would again hide into its shell? 

So was it last night's dream? When the only name rang in my ear was of Irom Sharmila? And I woke up perspiring, wondering why her name is echoing in my secret chambers of sleep? No one can enter here easily, without having a relation to my unconscious, without having a strong tie to my past or irresistible desires...

There is a girl, who was a rebel. There is a girl, who was self-centered. There is a girl, who believed in super-natural powers. There is a girl who refused the present life and believed in an after-life. There is a girl, who became dreamy. Inclined towards Journalism. There is a girl, who then turned to home. Celebrated the pious simple life of love and care. There is a girl, who became Spiritual. Yearned for a spiritual life and solitude. There is a girl who at the brink of 'Spiritual Escape' faced a harsh wind of Social Reality. There is a girl, who stands at the c…

a storm

When the butterflies are silent
You know a storm is boiling up... 


Bhala hua...

I lost my specs, this prompted me to wonder, what if I lose my eyes one day, though Milton is there! But , what if it really happens, outside my literary world? Then just one doha of kabir rings in my ear, " bhala hua meri matki futi, main paani bharan se chhuti." i.e. Good that my vessel has broken, now I wouldn't have to go through the ritual of filling the vessel every day.

Did you ever realize how deep it could be? Are our eyes not the vessels that fill the images of the world - good, bad, beauty, ugly, dirty, violent - all unnecessary things. If we become blind to the material images, all that would remain is- formless beauty of God, flowing incessantly in our hearts. And likewise, all five senses are vessels that we fill from worldly things.

Now, understand the interpretation of doha, in a positive sense, "Good that it has broken." The phrase is full of optimism. It does not say - "Its okay" or "Now when it has broken"  But it emphasize…

I could create happiness then

Guess what! from a long time I am acutely missing two things very much from my childhood memories of myself. One, I had been so powerfully imaginative, that if I imagined I am a british dancer, I would become so in my most sensible moments. Second, I could create happiness. I remember once, was it birthday or Valentine's day or New Year I don't remember, but I had no one around, and I so much wanted to celebrate  the day, what I did was- woke up at twelve around, turn on the night lamp, brought my fav cake pieces, I hummed my fav songs, danced, laughed, imagined things and lived the moment fully.
I could create happiness then !

Oh my Blog!

Alright , I guess I am in terrible mood to talk today. And guess what, I have come out of something. An irritating feeling, that someone is watching over you , watching over all your acts, no I am not a psychopath but it is about the blog. I don't like the feeling that I am being read. Yes I am among those few, who prefer solitude over "being together all the time". Because once you allow someone to enter into your zone, either you are trapped emotionally, or you make a fool out of yourself. Blog has made me meet so many people. And I am someone who can't be rude to you, be it whatever. So, I allow people to enter into my territory, which actually makes me more conscious, and takes away my freedom of being myself. But now, no more of that trap. I had forgotten one thing, I am capable of making a human relation with in-human things. And oh my blog ! we share a very very different relation. I can't allow anyone to walk in between us. Moreover, everything I share w…

musings of a born troubled soul - 1

hi... I dunno if I am writing a letter or addressing someone standing there! I am just perhaps...no its a monologue I guess... but then it is you, my blog, and it is me. I am sorry. I am feeling as if we have only a relation till I am depressed and I have no one there to talk to. But it isn't really. The truth is, I am lost at present. So many things are going and I am not able to find any satisfactory answer or say, I am not able to talk to myself about it. Yes.. that's it. You know at this moment, what I would love to do, to have this home with me for whole day, to start a novel, to pen down my thoughts. I guess, I know what's wrong with me. I am not able to pen down my thoughts in form of a story or poem. So many thoughts, emotions, experiences have piled up, and I need to express them that way. But I don't find solitude. If I ask myself, what I did today, gawd, I didn't do anything that gives pure satisfaction. No, yes, I welcomed guests, I spend time listenin…

Blabbering

I am just pondering about *the purpose of life* these days, not that, I find myself devoid of any purpose, but I want to probe into it more, to know the secrets... 

Does the (mother) Nature has any purpose of her being? If yes, what? If the Spring has its purpose, what is the purpose of Fall? Funny, can we imagine our lives without Nature? 

On another thought, what if, okay its very funny so just read it like that, what if we are living the same lives again and again, like watching the same movie again and again? The same plot, the same characters? the same settings ? Or one of the things may be different, but the story is same? So much so, that in all lives, we feel- I know it was going to happen, I knew it, I have been here before, It seems we know each other from many lives.... what is that? The same story? Same mistakes? Or the story with different mistakes, hence different destinies , but One Core Feeling, running through all the lives? 
Well, am I making some sense after all? :P Ne…
P.S. ~ Happiness
Flowing In !!! ...

Away.

Untitled

don't talk to me about love,
tell me instead the tales of wars  and blood-shed,  tell me about old ladies, waiting for their husbands and sons, tell me the fragrance of loneliness and desperation, tell me what does the old man talk about whole night in his sleep, tell me the color of gloomy pubs and bars,
and dead faces of dying men,
tell me anything save honey-combed words, and sweet jelly icing  I can't take too much of what my heart knows is a lie.

How you become yourself

I did a strange thing yest, just on an impulsion, I changed my relationship status on FB - confirming that - I am engaged to my best friend Sheena. Later, I got enraging comments from my so called 'Friends' on FB.

This incident suddenly fired up in me, a hidden part of myself. The more people go against me, call me crazy, make my fun, I know I am not different but they are all same.

I have got courage to accept more loudly, what I strongly believe in. Whether you are with me, or not, I will go the way, I am destined for.

I am becoming myself.


S.J. - its a story !

"Its okay. I won't run away. You can go for as long you want."
"Oh... you woke up... you tried to run away thrice in your hallucinations..."
"Is it? But that is  not called hallucinations. They were attacks."
"Attacks? You scare me."
"Then let me go."
"I can not. Until your sister comes back."
"Sister? oh...Rabbi...she is...she is not my sister....oh leave it... but where has she gone to?"
"She has gone to take your clothes and medicines and some food."
"I remember where is my home. Let me go."
"I cant ! dear lady. Take rest. I have to go."
He goes out and locks the door while she calls him back, "wait ... !" The door opens. Their eyes met for a minute. She breaks the spell , "ah..oh..nothing...i just...i want water."
"Lady its on the side table." With a smile he disappears on the road. The door was left open.


S.J - why don't the flowers bloom ?

"It has been so bitter lovely ! He came like wind, I didn't see it came, when it came, I felt it, though it may be there but I can't see it, I am panicked."
"Are you talking to the wind?"
"Raabela ! I wish wind would hear it... but I can't keep it to myself any longer."
"Jeanie ! don't lose your heart, sit here, you are not well...come, please do..."
She moved to the bench, she looked so tired, she began to speak as if she were talking to herself, " I would do as you say Raabela, I would... " She closed her eyes tightly. Opened them and fixed her gaze at the horizon. It was too cold and nature didn't seem too welcoming, it had covered up itself under a white-hazel blanket.
"You know Raabi, when I was in college I would imagine myself at an isolated place, where I would sit down and look at a thing for a long time, I remember that feeling strongly, I wanted to reach at a point where nothing would affect me, no…

It's just a Game.

Its all a Game to me,
I will play it - 
Risk all
Learn new things
Never lose Hope
Always Believe in Good and Victory
I bet
I would Win
And even if I not
What does it matter
After all -
it's just a Game. 

misery

It's just so Miserable

to have Everything

before you sleep,

You sleep tight and happy

and

have nothing beside

when you wake up.


Couldn't you stop showing me dreams !

Or at least be honest about what you show me.



P.S. - I m sorry about my ranting, but I can't Trust, Unconsciously  I think - they all are same. 

Rebirth

Believing in rebirth


is good for health


and


conscience too.



expectations...

Don't flare up my expectations ,

in the process of Healing,

you can hurt me...





S.J. - Help me

She was uncertain for a moment. But as if in a fix, she brought out a paper, and begin to scribble with a broken pencil that looked so old , like herself.  :
" ...Dea ...A... oh... I don't know how to begin. Its such a torment, not to be able to speak to you when I can. Truly, I can't believe, you and me... I had thought... that doesn't matter. Anyways. After years... the moment came and... I am so broken. You know me, I never want to miss the essence. Whatever it is. But here's... I am missing something crucial. I can not get it. Its like. I am in between. Help me. Would you? "

She folded the paper, placed it into the book. As she went out and crossed the sleepy streets in a winter afternoon, she looked at the book in her hand and wondered, if he would open it... before.. before it gets too late.

Togetherness is a dream

You cradle a dream in your heart. You spend some of the beautiful moments nursing it. It is a dream of Togetherness. Of such a companionship that grows on the deep understanding of each other's being, of each other's dream n desires. Where both are aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses. Where both stand beside each other in life's Ups and Downs. You dream of a time, when you don't want to Go into Tomorrow, because today is just so Perfect.
But Togetherness is a dream. It is, when you never had it in your life, when you did not experience it.  It is, when you are experiencing it. Because it is so perfect, it is Dream-like.  And it is also a dream when the other has moved, in this life or beyond this life.

Rooh

"rooh rooh ko pehchaanti hai." "The Soul knows the Soul." It finds the other anyway, whether to love, to pay back or to take revenge. Sounds horrible, may be to some its unbelievable , but to me its very practical. Why...why out of crores' population you get to meet some, become friends with few and come closer to even one or two... there must be some reason (past life connections) working behind it. You only realize it when you look back and realize what and how the moment was when you met that person. How after all, the destiny brought you Two Together.

On a lonely night, in a chat box you rarely visit. In a coaching class, you tried not to Join. In a job which you abhorred and wondered why you were doing it. On a bus, you took because your own you missed. When you were really hopeless and left all on God. In the hospital after you met an accident. The hostel, which you thought would make you cry a lot.

Souls know each other, instinctively. Some we lose (the…

S.J. - like a dream...

There comes a time when you begin to feel , things have come to a halt, to a Stop, they are staling, you have become numb, can not feel the ticking of clock and your soul from some deep corner of your being is crying out for some movement.
And then suddenly, with a burst , things started to move, but still, you don't feel the Spark, feel a Special spark which is like Life, life of your dreams.


They would not listen to it. They would call her pessimist and give her plenty of suggestions of how she could be happy. But no one would understand, happiness is just a matter of the state of mind. She knew when to be happy, its when she wanted to be. But happiness is related to the life of your dreams. And the life of her dream was so thin, transparent like dream itself...

She pressed her chilled hands between her legs...the winter nights would not let her sleep, would not let her dream, even her dreams were shivering... she wondered if he was awake, if he was well enough to speak, if he …

I am fool

 she laughs, looks up at the sky, gazes at the stars and at the mystery twinkling through them, she calls them, calls to the wind - 'I am fool, and I am grateful.'  



 ~ S.J.