Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas 2013

Christmas had always been very special to me. I don't know why. I always want to celebrate it grandly. If I had My money in My account, I would have spent much of it in picking up the gifts for everyone I love. Even as a Hindu, Christmas is  special to me because on this day, and from this day to the first day of New year, you can sit down, slow the pace, relax a bit, look back at the trail of Big year, do a bit self-analysis. You can also, plan n prepare for the new year, take resolutions, make some promises and care to share happiness around. Well I guess, the first promise which I am going to make right now is - to be like a child and never miss to celebrate the Christmas . Love the life !!! :)

Sunday, December 8, 2013

I don't know what....

mising somthing badly

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

S.J - Pray

It was a strange morning. In fact a strange day. It started all mysterious , a kind of you can call an omen. But through out the day she fought with her mental miseries, spiritual... loop-holes , if I can call that, and if you can still understand the gravity of it.

"I wish I had been earning." S.J. kept muttering it all evening. And at the end a tiny-soft echo was heard in the sky , " Are you not earning? Earning enough of values - patience, tolerance, acceptance !!! what not ! They are priceless. And so what you have earned is also Priceless. No one can take it away from you. It will neither destroy nor change. It will only grow and grow more with each moment. "
"Enough of that ! I don't want it. I am a simple human being." S.J. cried out.
"Oh really ! I thought you will never forget who you are. A sweet angel. A true warrior princess and..."
"Stop it please. You know its the most important period in life. I want everything perfect. I want all good things I have ever dreamed about."
"You know what... sometimes you can't help it. But I know a way, which is always there, no matter what kind of a problem it is - the one ready solution is - Pray. Whatever you need, just ask from God. And... if there is a want in your life ( or if you feel there is one - because you might be expecting so much) that's a sign God wants your Attention. And so go to God. GTG haan ! Simple as that. "
"Woooo.... you talk well - you are air or sky or an angel friend or god himself??"
"I am you."

Was S.J smiling at that moment? Had she understood everything? ...
S.J thought, being an angel is not such a bad idea, coz if you are a true angel, for a fraction of a second, the truth illuminates in your heart , and you know the reason behind everything coming up in front of you.
Wont you enjoy that? After all, its all Just for the Fun. (Yeeeaaaahh..God's fun !!! ) 



I could listen to
what you had to say.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Career Mess

Its been almost two years since I am struggling with the question - what I want to do. Its not that I don't know what my interests are, but I have no idea what to do with them. (?)

Today was another shock at career front. Faced another big failure when I missed the opportunity for Phd. Actually it was my mistake. Mistake of Ignorance. But I can't help it. Unconsciously I wanted to miss it.

Gggrrrhhh... I seriously dunnoo... whether I will be a Big Mess, Big Loser, or a Seagull who learns the secrets of high Flight.

Just watch me out !

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

S.J. ~ Meditating Messihah

S.J. woke up early today. While waiting for the Sun to rise, she looked into her heart. Is it like yesterday inside there? Is she restless? depressed? sad? Is there any black out? No. The light was peeping in through all the little holes she had made by "enlightening thoughts". The thoughts and ideas of Great Masters who lived or still living on this earth. Messihas eh? A smile appeared at the corner of her lips, she said to herself, " The great teachers of our world, are they any different from us? Like, eight legs and twelve hands? Or with super powers which can create many universes? Were they always like how they appear now? ... "

 S.J. knew the answers to all her questions, she said, " No. They are no different than us. It is just that, they listened the voice of their hearts more often and more clearly than us. That they were also broken and hurt and lived in the middle of chaos, disturbed mind and perturbed soul but they never wavered from their faith and beliefs ."

" There is no world outside your mind. The world you live in, is inside there. And when you change the World Inside : the World Outside is itself changed. Your true guide can no one be but yourself. Like, the great masters, who found the Truth and a Way of Living, fought with Inner Darkness and became a teacher of themselves, you can also do it, you have to do it, because there is no other way to reach to the Light. You have to be your own Guide, your own Messihah."

Saturday, September 7, 2013

unknown ; unconscious

dreams...dreams....dreams... I am talking about those which you see with close eyes, which show you the other world, takes you into your unconscious and reveal to you the secrets hidden deep in your soul.

I am a dreamer. Both with open and close eyes. I can't stop dreaming and dreams can't help coming to me. Since childhood , I had been watching strange smoky dreams. The silly thing is , I still remember most of them, as if they have become a part of my reality, a part of my own being. I don't know whether they shaped me or I created them but they seem to me as real as real incidents can be.

After my last night dream, (early morning dream) it occurred to me to write a series on my dreams. To pen down, every detail and their probable meanings.  I like to interpret dreams. I might not be able to write them in their proper order, but anyway, they will help a lot to reveal what my unconscious is like - oh, don't mind if its too dirty or dark , I bet, yours is neither better. And to be honest, I am just f...... trying to be honest and gutsy.

So here is what I saw today early morning in my dream.

I saw him, he was there, it was some lady's house, I have forgotten most details, but every dream is focused on one prominent feeling, mood or idea. So the idea here was - I was going to get married to this guy. Now there is nothing strange if a girl sees a dream of getting married when she is really going to tie the knot soon. But I have an issue over here. This guy is an old friend, you know what I mean, once, long back, this guy had told me, I will marry you, and if you try to marry someone else, I will take you away from your Mandap.

Everyone told me , that this guy loved me madly. He says, he still does. And I get this dream often that I am getting married to him, though I don't want to in reality. To some extent, this dream scares me. And I don't interpret it or try to probe into its meaning because I am afraid to know my own unconscious urges. I don't know what I am hiding down there.... i really don't know. But I want to stop dreaming this.

caitlin worthington photography

Friday, September 6, 2013


" Don't you feel like Puking sometimes? Spitting out everything you had kept chewing till now. Things you haven't told anyone because you found them too silly or unimportant or temporary? Things you fear to speak out only because it might spoil other's mood? Things you don't speak because you like to escape feelings? You like to keep them to yourself, buried deep down? Because you think you don't fit anywhere? Because you are embarrassed to say you are lonely? Because you are a liar ? Because you are a coward that you cant utter the truth ? Don't you think, things would have been better, if everyone could speak truth about how they feel and everyone could forgive each other for it. "

S.J. - Nightmare

"It is always the Nightmare, after a Happy Dream, isn't it mom?"
"No, nothing is always alike. It depends on you."
"Then why I always choose that?"
"Because you are an unhappy child, (like your  mother.)"

S.J. - its lonely out there, and inside too...

After that terrible feeling had subsided, and S.J. had become as comfortable as she could speak to herself about it, and she spoke these words , “I want to tell you something. Today I experienced it again, although for a fraction of second but I did it and I got to know why it happened to me in my childhood. It happened because I was terribly lonely. And it happened today because … I was lonely. I hear voices when I am lonely. They tell me they are lonely too. They tell me they want to talk to me. I know it is fake, it is made-up in my mind but I still believe it, I believe they exist and talk to me, because I am lonely, and I want to hear them myself. I can’t tell you, how lonely I have been in my life. And you can never know how lonely it is to stay alone inside four walls for a long long time… or probably you know that too… but you don’t know what it has done to me, what all it has taken from me … and that… you will only know after I am gone for the good.” 

[ There was a time when she would call up her friends and tell them every little detail of how her day passed, and how she could not sleep in the night because she didn’t feel alright. Even at that time, she hated her habit of speaking out everything. But she couldn’t help. All she did was, to dream, to visualize about a time when she will stop letting out her heart’s secrets, her deepest feelings. She dreamed about a time when no one would come to know what actually she feels. She will be there in body, but float away in spirit, she will learn the art of transcending the world for few moments and then she would come back , again adjusting to her life. She will never  (wont able to) speak,  how she feels. 

Sunday, September 1, 2013

S.J. - Appreciating Life

"I love the strange nights." Those were the first words of S.J. in the morning. Sheena said sleepily, " I know... you love them...even those that scares me to death." "Yeah... I just love anything that breaks the chain of sameness." Saying this S.J. went to the kitchen to prepare a cup of tea, yes, that's how she celebrates every good thing in her life or thought in her mind, by drinking tea. While the pan was on the stove, S.J. uttered the Morning Glory Words loudly, " I am great, greater than this world, greater than this Life, I am something Divine, Pure, Beautiful... though last night I was a bit stupid, but that's okay, I allow myself to be stupid sometimes, ohh...life would be so boring without stupidity you see...(here, S.J. winked wickedly) oh..how  hot I look with open hairs... I am going to look hot today. And... Yes... I want to tell you something this morning. Don't let it grow inside you. You are a sweetheart. When ever you are hurt, Dance. When ever you want to cry, Sing a sweet song. When you feel like dying, give your time and smile to someone who wants to live but has lost his heart to go on. But never, never for a moment, stop Appreciating life."  ... " Alright. Its over. Now I want to drink my tea." (Winked Again) ;)
applesparklies: life is wonderful by bios

Monday, August 26, 2013

S.J. - celebrating the moment, as it is

Sheena got perplexed , when S.J. muttered something looking out of the window, that whether S.J. is happy about her new life or no. Just as Sheena tried to ask something, S.J. smiled faintly and begun to say, as if talking to herself, " No it is never as you imagine. Its like, when you imagine to go worse, everything goes great. And as you imagine everything to be perfect, there comes a bad time. So what is this all for? Doesn't it tell you that Today, this Moment is Perfect. It is as it should be. It is meant to Celebrate as it is. Because there is no sense in looking for something else than what we have at present. If we are lonely, we might want some company. And when we have company we might want to be alone. What sense is in it? Always looking for something else. Always being unsatisfied. Always fretting and getting irritated, complaining and being unhappy.... there is no sense in living this way. "


Sheena not knowing what to say was just wondering what had happened with S.J... is she again going through...
"Don't give me that look, I am perfectly fine. I was just thinking about 'emotional detachment' and 'celebrating the moment' and ... much more... you see I am very very happy... yesternight I was able to live one hour of my past life... "as I used to be" - waking up at midnight from sleep, looking at the road lights, covering up myself, remembering good old moments from my life and writing down some important notes ... yesternight was incredible. "

Sheena smiled... now she had no doubts. She knew her crazy friend...if she did what she said, she was really fine... more than fine in fact...

Monday, August 5, 2013

Being Grown-up means...

t is like this when you grow up - - - you spend a whole day in two slides. One , the past running in your mind - as memories, good or bad. Two, the present, which you actually pass like a vapor and eventually put it into Category One for the coming few months. 

Being a Grown-up means - you fight hard to Live in Present and you struggle hard to keep up with your silly-starry dreams.

You have grown-up when you realize at one point - - - oh this is for kids, this is not like a Grown-up. 

But I don't hate Growing-up... One good ball in the court-of Grown-ups is - they get to Act like Responsible. :) And I dont completely hate it ;)

30 beautiful expressive portraits abduzeedo graphic design inspiration and photoshop tutorials

Saturday, August 3, 2013

I will go on..

lia meliasiren song

I don't care even if my people, the ones whom I call mine, 
will not take part in the celebration of life, I will go on...

It is not just the 'Celebration' of life, 
it is 'Celebration of ideas , of attitude, of God's grace ' ,
it is in fact 'Celebration of celebrate' , if no one comes, I'll go on...

I will go on, and at each turn, at each height, I will look for them,
I will call their names, I will sing to them
And if still no one comes,
I will go on... will go on to celebrate
the beauty of life.

Friday, July 26, 2013

S.J. - It is all a circle, you come to the point where you are meant to, no matter what way you choose.

As soon as you get what you had prayed for, you tend to be unthankful and complaining. You wonder, what if you had chosen another option ? But nothing makes any difference. You just circle around and reach at the point where you are meant to. No matter what way you choose. S.J broods about human behavior and how it is never contented with anything. The clouds are very low today , the weather very serene and ... was uneventful life when you could just dream without having the risk of any outcomes in the real world better ?  The world out there is dark , grey , shadowy ... the only solace in this world of crowd is her own heart ...
" will I be able to love him...surrender myself...?" S.J looked away, her mind was clattering hard but her heart tried to calm the voices of her mind... her heart said, " no past no future just live in the moment... just live the clouds live the green hills life the empty road just live the going on and on ... " 

Monday, July 8, 2013

You know wat its very funny
you wake up in the morning with a weird feeling
that you had been sleeping very long
and all that happened till now
just a dream

Monday, June 24, 2013

S.J. - how it feels like

" If you ask me how it feels like ... well I would say... it feels like you have given yourself to the winds, fierce winds, and you know not, where they will take you..." S.J. spoke to an old friend , who listened to her as someone listens to the voice of train coming from far away.
 " I know, it sounds very alien... it seemed to me as well half an year ago... but soon you will find yourself in the same line. Everyone around us, has almost same experiences but then everyone thinks his/her's is unique..."  ... "I don't want to think about it." soyo, her friend said. "Its a sign that you haven't accepted what you should have, when it chokes your heart... accept it soyo..." "You don't sound happy... is it a bad experience.?"  " No... not a bad one... but for a bird like me, not a good one either." "What do you want then, a final thing?"  " I don't know... you know what... I have stopped thinking... I just miss some old days, but that's it... I have surrendered myself to him... and yes, what I want is, I never ever regret this... " 
Both the friends began to look for the last rays of setting sun... S.J. hummed in her heart some forgotten lines - if only I could tell you how it feels like... 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

To be or Not to be...

I so wish you cloud live without the tension of Becoming something.

But the problem is no where outside.
Its in your mind.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Fav Quote

" Always circumstances come to reveal the hidden weakness that have to be overcome. " (The Mother ; Looking from Within )

Sunday, June 2, 2013

I m grateful

I can't think of a single gift that I might ask for on this bday.

I have got plenty...more than I could ever imagine...

I am Grateful.

st.paul de vence, france

Its my birthday tomorrow :)

Friday, May 24, 2013

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Last night I saw a horrible dream, I saw I was being sold out to any one of the three men, who wanted me at first  but then changed their thoughts. I was a thing that sold to no buyer. There, you lose your sense of humor and want to be No one rather than some one who could have a price.

What f?????? title you can give to something like this.

You know what, I am really tired. This all, warrior, angel...its a pretty game. But I am tired to play it for so long. I know in my heart what I am. I don't like no games now, give me some peace, that's all I want. 


"Someday I want to do something Crazy,
so much that afterwards, I won't care for anything at all.
Yes, I dream to be free..."


"there is something dying inside every moment."
" There is a tribe, that believes in balance, for each thing that dies, a new takes birth... " 


"It feels like I am standing at the edge of cliff and I am always falling."
"But you are only on the edge of cliff, there are others who are actually Falling."
"Yes, it is then, it is in that moment, I feel grateful."

Friday, April 26, 2013

I need to speak it out...

I am remembering Mamaton and her blog today. How easily she speaks out her thoughts, perhaps she writes as anonymous or no one among her circle reads her. I want to write in her style today.

Someone came into my life, by accident or Divine purpose. The question of getting into a relationship hangs over me like a ghost. I do want it, but at the same time I am afraid. I want to escape it. Escape the very question - whether I want it or no.

I heard my heart speaking to me today, it said, it said, no you have to wait. You still have to wait more. But there are other voices inside, who keep on tampering my head. They say, why not, what's wrong, it is final, divine plan, nothing is perfect, everyone has to make a compromise, may be he's the only one, he's good, he's kind, and I am so helpless coz of my fickle mind, I don't want to hurt .... N number of thoughts... they shadow your heart's voice. Only one thing echoes my mind, my whole being - I don't want to hurt. I have been hurt many times, and I know how it feels like.

P.S. ~ when, at last you come, i will be knowing, i will come to know, why you had to come so late.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

S.J. ~ Alive

"No ! you tell me one thing. Why do you live? Why do you earn? Why do you keep going on? What is that thing, which asks you to take a breath or look at the sun in the morning? No, tell me what it is."
" Are you serious? Why do you ask that?"
" because...because I have come to feel... you have forgotten our first promise. "
"What's that now?"
" To live, to live... it is to L-I-V-E... and are we alive?"
"Aren't we?"
"Yes, a little bit. "  

S.J. looked away, with looking away, she looked back in time. She was standing at the crossroads and had just dropped the idea of going for a meeting. For a moment, she had wondered, where to go. And then she was reminded of Alice of Wonderland, and her dilemma, and the wisdom she had received. She could go anywhere, if she didn't know, where to go. Yes, anywhere, she could go. 

"I want to go.", S. was herself surprised at her firm voice.
"To where?"
"WHAT do you mean by anywhere? Have you gone crazy today?"
"Yes... and I feel sorry for not going crazy for all these years."
" Alright. Tell me what do you want. We can talk about it."
"We are only talking about things, its been years n years we are only talking about everything we want to do."
" You want to leave everything at once and go for some adventure."
" Yes that is what I want. To leave everything AT ONCE. For if we don't leave them at once, we will never be able to leave at all. Like always. "
" You think that's possible? "
"Why not possible? What's stopping you ? "
" ohhh.. you are.. so..."
"You don't have an answer, I know."
" You don't want to listen to me."
" Because you have nothing new to say. No new excuses."
" Fine."
" If I leave today, know this, I will live my life, the way I had imagined, and you will live a life not minding where you want to stop, because it is hard to stop once you begin a game with a borrowed Will."


The gracious boss who agreed to see a tiny little girl with seemingly no experience of maintaining a huge farm with ample of vegetables and fruits of whose all names even she didn't know, was scanning the girl's eyes and was trying to peep in her mind, as to know, what brought this lonely soul so far from the city on her two thin legs. 

"So... where did you work last?"
"At the Minnata Resort on the hill near Chikara Lake."
" And why did you leave that job ?"
" Because I wanted to."
"Give me a reasonable and honest answer."
" Well, sir, I left that job, because I had fallen in love with the place, because the inmates had grown fond of me, because the manager did not want to let me go, so I left it."
" That doesn't convince me at all. When everything was going fair and perfect, why did you leave that?"

" Well, sir, if you would understand it this way, I always wanted to die, as soon as I was born, my first wish was to die. For no particular reason, or nothing which I understood to date. Probably I was too much in love with this life or was curious about after-life... I don't know. All I know is,  As easily as I would want to leave the earth, I want to leave the place which tries to hold me back. Gives me a reason to stay. Chains me to Life. I want to live my Life as if today is the last day. For I believe, Life is not meant to build Future, something of Tomorrow, it is meant to Live Present as if there is no Tomorrow."

"Hmm...you talk nice. You are hired."

"Oh...thank you..."

" Don't be. I can see, you are the right one who can tell these folks that what they have is Life and not A Bag full of Impossibilities."
" I will be glad to show them a light sir."
" Hmm... I see now, why you don't stay at one place for long. The torch is different from a bulb."
"From a tube light too sir." The cabin roared with a thunder laugh , workers could hear it in the field. They all wondered, if the Boss is again drunk till tearing his own pants. But that doesn't matter, they thought, until they could hear something so Vibrating and Humane. 


ceramic tiles jonas gerard

Monday, April 22, 2013

S.J. ~ Tired but Dreaming

The weather has changed. It  changes once in a while when you are waiting for a gleam at the Horizon. "how does it feel to wait?" S.J. asks to the clouds? "You don't wait, you go on, disperse , gather again, and pour out." She asks again, this time to the howling wind, "how does it feel to wait? wait for unknown?" Winds dont wait either. They run wild, where ever they want. They decide the course. " But then who would tell me, how does it feel to wait? And how do you wait? " S.J. looks around. It is not pleasant. When there shall be the heat of Summer , Dark Clouds are hovering like an ill omen. The heat is there, then why the illusion of soothing rains? " I am tired. But I am dreaming of something, I will tell you what. There will be a day when I will tell you, I am not afraid of love. There will be a day when I will leave the door ajar, so that you can come and see me unfolding my mirror. There will be a day when I will call you from our little window and we will watch an old movie together. There will be a day when we would watch our kids growing and when we would wonder how the life would have been without each other. "

Friday, April 19, 2013

happy birthday vish !!!

probably it is the last year , I am wishing you like this.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Lying on my bed, and counting stars
Feeling the dark of night, deep in my bones
and touched by the memory of winter sunlight
Letting the words out, incoherent, infinite
and knowing, knowing the magic that Silence can perform !
All I need is, a moment away, a moment with eternal silence !

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

S.J. ~ little sparkles of light

She heard him, she could feel his breath, the cold on his chest, the cloudy air before his eyes, as if she was herself there among the green hills. S.J. slept in the night, thinking of nothing. But Intoxication came over  Nothing. This nothing was so full of everything...one could refuse Nirvaana , one could give away thousand paradises for such...an Intoxication. The morning was hazy. Sun was playing hide n seek. S.J. woke up to find herself back. She found her heart's voice again. She got her confidence back to be herself... for there was nothing to lose when you had yourself. Because if you are lost, everything is lost. Each moment was a moment of self-love... S.J. said to herself in those moments, " oh yes...the answer is no. I had been so much letting my mind intrude the matters of heart. .... god ! I want to let go of myself...into myriad emotions, different patterns of lives, unexplored gestures... I want to drink up the "neat of life", taste it in its purest of forms... " S.J opened her hairs, looked into the mirror and had a vague feeling that she has seen this girl in the mirror first time, that she would have wanted to cuddle herself... that if there is life, it is here, in these little sparkles of light...
saying images-amazing images with inspired sayings

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

After-Night Thoughts - Intoxicated !

I have been lying a lot to myself from past few months. I have been lying about marriage thing. I don't want to get married so early. I don't want to get married to anyone who is presently in my life. And yes, appearance does matter. Gosh! I have been lying so much... I just woke up today and realized, I cared less about "what I think" and always worried about "what could make others happy" ...

I have been also lying to myself about career thing. I am not a job or business type. I am a traveler , who had been always traveling in her mind. I am a dreamer, give me any empty place, i will paint it with my dreams. I can just go on n on n on without stopping anywhere for more than a couple of moments, no matter how much I fall in love with the place... the day I stop anywhere, you know, I have really fallen in :) Love!

Saturday, April 6, 2013



                         I went wrong. 

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

...then suddenly one day ,

I feel grand, I feel having multitudes

I feel High and I feel like River

Flowing incessantly towards the destined path...

laura makabresku - river

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Between you and me

You are not just a blog, alright, and you know it. 
Though sometimes a couple of anonymous comments come between you and me,
But we will be true to each other, anyway. Deal, right? 
We will be true to each other !!

beautiful friends.

Thank you for being one ;) 

and ...

I wish I could undo it,
become again, an anonymous.

All I want is

I don't want to be a Show Piece.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

How a bond builds up....

How a bond builds up....

It builds up slowly gradually when you both think about each other, and do things for each other.

I remember my last Holi. Holi is one festival, on which I really like to shut up myself in my room. But last year, it was my brother who expressed a wish to play holi. And I agreed. I still remember what I was thinking at that time. I had thought, this might be our last holi and after years when I look back I would regret to break his heart and miss this chance. I don't know since when I decided, I won't miss the chance. And really, it is the only holi which I would remember fondly after years n years...
So, perhaps, that's how a bond builds up :)

Monday, March 25, 2013

when present holds no keys...

I know what I need right now.

To be put in danger. So that I can feel life.

To be put in extreme situation. So that I can take a decision.

To be put in compromising situation. So that I can show, I have got some ground.

To be asked to stay in hole. So that I can choose to fly.

Yeah... one day she told my friend, I won't fly, coz I am used to comforts now. What is it actually that binds me to this place? Is it really my own comfort? I know now, what people must be saying about me.
No no... I am not the girl who would say - - - I had a dream once.
I am going to do it. I am going to take a decision soon. It would a little painful in the beginning. It might be a mistake. But I don't care anymore about making mistakes. All I care for is - that I am listening to my heart - even if it takes me miles away ... on an undiscovered land ! Or binds me to my duty.

"When present holds no keys
for the Future doors
Just sit by the window
and dream for a blue sky,
for a blue sea... "

[7/52] girl in the window / Michelle Poeung

Thursday, March 21, 2013

that Life is a gift...

Those who have a life, always wonder what would happen if everything ends unexpectedly. Years ago, Jeanie used to wonder if she could have another story. A one thrilling and unexpected. 

Jeanie dreamed it this way - 

She always wants to die, not because she does not love her life but she loves death more. She was in love with death, as someone falls in love with the Blue Poison. One day she gets to know she is going to die soon.  She is happy beyond limits. But at the same time she begins to feel restless. How she would spend her last days? What she would do? There were plenty of things to do. Those she had planned to do when something happens like this. Well, she makes a plan. She will spend her last days, making moments. 

Jeanie quits her job. Packs her stuff. Locks her house. And goes out. No plans. She just goes out, any street , any city, any place ... She behaves crazy at times but tries never to lose the touch with her aim - making moments. She makes friends with strangers, listens to old ladies, plays with lonely kids, offers her help, shares her food, brings a smile on tensed faces, spread the only message - Live to Love and Love to Live. 
But all the while, she was preparing to die. 

One day on one of her freaky odd jobs, she meets a guy. They both fall in love with each other. But before he could know anything about her, she moves on leaving him behind. Although she leaves a note behind - " I love you. But I am selfish enough, for the reasons you would probably never know. I love you, and there is some beauty in loving someone forever whom you could only get back to in memories.
Remember me. Yours, forever! " 

Jeanie dies. Nobody actually cries on her death. No one actually ever gets to know if she lives or died. But people who came in touch with her, cherish her memories... and that's what she always wanted - to make the moments.
While this dream still plays on a projector of her unconscious mind. Jeanie realized one thing later on. She could love her life as much as she loves the death. Both have their Perfect Timings. So why not, make the moments for as long as she lives? Might be difficult, but that's the challenge, and that's the another face of beauty. 

Jeanie realized that Life is a Gift given by a Stranger. And you never destroy a gift, you use it fully, till its last thread has remained unbroken. You be grateful for a gift, you never curse it or the giver. The beauty of the gift called life is that it is given by a Mysterious Stranger. You only give gifts to those you love, isn't it? So, the Mysterious Stranger is in love with you, has immense faith in you and believes you would make best of it. And you know what, how he gave it to you? You have forgotten it see. One day, he left it on your door. It was signed by these words : " To, my favorite Angel, ....
                       From,  A Stranger. "
super bite

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Saturday, March 16, 2013

The little green jungl

"There's a surprise for you!"
"What's that tell me."
"There's a surprise for you , when you would come down here."
"Aahh... really! I am waiting for it."

The virtual window closed but the dream window opened and how swiftly you flow on dreams till the very reality closes you tight in its embrace. Jay reached on the land of Warriors. The whole group planned a camp-out. "What a surprise!" Jay exclaimed. "Enjoy..." Tadz teased her with his lovely smile. They stayed on a hill that looked to the little green jungle. While in the group some were drinking, other dancing, some had secrets to share, Jay was quietly letting the Nature do wonder with her. Contrary to her own imagination, she fell quiet when she met all her friends after months. She went early to sleep. She woke up around mid-night and knew it was supposed to be this way only. She left the camp, and headed downwards to the little green jungle. It was calling her. With each step out, Jay took a step in her heart. She was high all the way. No sooner she reached at the point where the jungle starts, the spell broke, why was she here? She looked up at the sky to find the bright star. The sky was mute black. A rumbling voice came from here and there but she wasn't afraid, she was only stunned at her courage. Suddenly she startled, "oh...Tad." He was smiling big. "You are here!" Jay said. "And what you are doing here.". "I was...exploring I guess." "You are here because you heard a call." "oh... is it planned by you." "Who am I to plan? You head at your heart's order, isn't it?" " You are a maze." "And you are amazing." Tadz laughed out an hearty laugh, and held Jay's hand, "come I will show you something." They walked for about twenty odd minutes. Nobody spoke to each other, but they were talking all the while. They both knew, they are living a miracle, and that an invisible magical thread was bounding them.

"Here's it." "That's a pond!" "Yes, shaded by thick bushes. It is one of those rare undiscovered ponds which has the Power to Transform." "What do you mean." He smiled mysteriously, "Go and find out." Jay was at her wit's end. "What do you mean, go and find out?" "Recall your dream, Awaken it, Live it, this time like all times will never come into you life...." His eyes shined under the thick black sky, " I am waiting outside the little green jungle, meet me there." Tad disappeared in a blink of an eye. Jay was completely short of breath. She had a look around, the dark bushes, the deep water, the deadly sky and yet... a flower appeared amid the dark bush, a star was born in the blank sky , her sight revealed to her the most wondrous miracles. She closed eyes tightly and took off  her cloths one by one. As soon as she stepped into the water, she saw the whole pond lit up with silvery light. It was the Moon. Her joy and wonder knew no bound. She felt blessed but more than blessed she felt transformed.

"hi..." Tadz opened his eyes, and saw a girl standing before him. "Jay! its you." "yeah... " Jay felt her wet hands and crossed them in order to feel warm. "So...?" Jay was blank. "Are you.." Jay interrupted, "I saw a vision." "Live it." "She put her hands on his warm chest, felt him. He held her close and enveloped her little lips with a long kiss. As they both walked back to the camp, they were silent, but talking to each other all the while, Tad said, you are more like yourself now, a warrior princess !  and Jay said, no matter what battle you fight we will meet at this pond again in every life. This was the Joy, this was the Meditation.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Tale of a Rat

So it is about this Rat who has invaded our little home with a little privacy. For a days, we would set a trap and throw them out nicely. But one day, this new chap, or may be the old-experienced one entered our home and is still playing hide-n-seek. This is a real clever fellow. First of all, he is not at all greedy. What not we put up for him in the trap? A bite of chapati, then a tomato, and then the crumbs of bread- he will just not get affected. One day he entered into my room. Well, it was not one day. It was One night. You can imagine what happened then. lol. No, its not that, that I screamed, shouted, woke up all around in the range of few kilometers. No... I cursed him. I can't imagine it is a She-Rat. lol. I tip-toed out of the room, and slept or.. rather could not sleep that night. Aw... I can't tell you, since that day, I have begun to hate Rats in an altogether different way. The next morning, we all wondered on why the rat is not trapped yet. May be, he is not as greedy. May be he has become smart now. I suggested, He must be a Sanyaasi, must have left in taking food. But it was my brother who came out with an enlightening thought- "It is not a He-Rat. It is a She-Rat. A He-Rat can be trapped easily. He can not be this much clever." We were struck dumb. What a thought!

So, you see, we have a new member at home now. Although it is just a Rat, it has contributed immensely in keeping us awake while we study, give us an interesting topic to discuss, give us a chance to observe the other world of animals, and made me understand the psyche of a man! :D

Who she is.

At one moment she is Jeanie, hurt immensely in her search of love, another moment she is Samyaa, an exiled warrior princess. At moments she takes up a  name S.J., to hide herself from the severity of the world, at other times she wears her real identity to show to the world, she hasn't quit. And she will never.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Angel ~ S.J

S.J whispered to the winds, losing herself in every touch of wind, " Why do I do it? I don't know.
Its just about the heart. It tells you to do, and you do it.
And I have always believed in what my heart says.
So, I welcome whatever comes."

The wind whispered back softly,"you are an angel."

I am beyond...

Nothing could have bound me to date, no one will ever. I am the wind, fierce but free. I am the sky, vast yet free. I am the earth, dutiful but free. I am the water, can you still bound me?
I am not your daughter, I am not your sister, I am not anyone's friend or lover. I am energy. You see with positive lenses, I am positive. You see me from negative lenses, I am negative. You see me red, I become that for you. You see me blue, I become that for you. But I have no color of my own. I have no name of my own, but you have given me so many names, and so you astray.

I seem to have a past, but how many pasts have I then? See beyond, you will have your answers.
I will have a future, but the seeds of my future have already been sown, only the flower is yet to born, the fruits yet to flourish. Believe in the process, believe on the time, free yourself, Divine will hold your hand. She surely Guides those who have given themselves to Her. She is Mother of Universe, She is the Soul of all Souls. Surrender yourself in her Service, she will show you your path.

I saw a shadow behind me till I saw myself a body. As a human being, I am still the same. Yet something has changed. I  embrace the paradoxes of the world. My dark can not be separated from my bright. And so I can not live in peace until I embrace both gracefully. 

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

No seriously, its the height of everything. I need to grow young. Lol.

At least, I should behave according to my age. Hang outs, spend a lot until I go bankrupt. Run Away. Double Dates, Flirt around( oh my god, I have almost forgotten to flirt !) My ! what the heck I have become, a pile of Good Old Books. No no no... I need to check on it. I need to go back. Need to live, commit more mistakes , come on, what if I get Moksha in this life? No Man. I need to do bad karmas to be able to born again. Karma cycle you see. Its so strict. Its almost the time to be what you haven't got opportunity to be. ;) 


(Laugh out loud) I just can't believe I am single. I mean, F--- man! I am single ! There can't be eighth wonder than this. And I can't feel how love feels like. I can't feel like a teenage girl anymore. I can't imagine talking crap with you. Sometimes I can't imagine at all. That's awful at times, when you can't imagine the love of your life. I can imagine sacrifice, i can imagine, purpose, i can imagine duty, i can imagine marriage, but i can't imagine love anymore, i can't imagine fun, i can't imagine care, i can't imagine possessiveness, i can't imagine madness, i can't imagine love that is beyond morality and that's why they have gone from my stories too. I want to be a fool in love, a mad, a possessive, an eccentric , just like any other girl. Yes, I want to love.

P.S. ~ Make me love you !

Monday, March 11, 2013

Leave your footprints behind,

But while you walk,

Do not worry about the Footprints. !!

Monday, March 4, 2013


“Jeanne, I fell asleep among the paintings, where I could sit for many days worshipping your portrait. I fell in love with your portrait, Jeanne, because it will never change. I have such a fear of seeing you grow old, Jeanne, I fell in love with an unchanging you that will never be taken away from me. I was wishing you would die, so that no one could take you away from me, and I would love the painting of you as you would look eternally.” 

― Anaïs Nin

P.S. I have got my Jeanie, again. 

such similarity !

“A man fell in love with Jeanne, and she tried to love him. But she complained that he uttered such ordinary words, that he could never say the magic phrase which would open her being.” 

― Anaïs Nin, Under a Glass Bell

I feel as if I am her Incarnation. 

my blog - my journal !

“I only regret that everybody wants to deprive me of the journal, which is the only steadfast friend I have, the only one which makes my life bearable, because my happiness with human beings is so precarious, my confiding moods rare, and the least sign of non-interest is enough to silence me. In the journal I am at ease.” 

― Anaïs Nin
Art Journal 2011: Dare to Dream Heart - Dina Staggs

Sunday, March 3, 2013

musings of a born-troubled soul -2

What was that animal, who , at the sight of a little gleam, would again hide into its shell? 

So was it last night's dream? When the only name rang in my ear was of Irom Sharmila? And I woke up perspiring, wondering why her name is echoing in my secret chambers of sleep? No one can enter here easily, without having a relation to my unconscious, without having a strong tie to my past or irresistible desires...

There is a girl, who was a rebel. There is a girl, who was self-centered. There is a girl, who believed in super-natural powers. There is a girl who refused the present life and believed in an after-life. There is a girl, who became dreamy. Inclined towards Journalism. There is a girl, who then turned to home. Celebrated the pious simple life of love and care. There is a girl, who became Spiritual. Yearned for a spiritual life and solitude. There is a girl who at the brink of 'Spiritual Escape' faced a harsh wind of Social Reality. There is a girl, who stands at the cross-road, not understanding which road is meant for her. There is a girl, who is stunned, speechless !!!

My prayer -

There are bad people outside, but there are good ones also. Please, make me see the Good, give me strength to fight the bad. Give me power of Intuition to stand up at the right time and make me learn the Harmonious way to live the life. Make me never lose the in-sight of your Vastness. Make me virtuous, elegant and let my cup of love always overflow.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Bhala hua...

I lost my specs, this prompted me to wonder, what if I lose my eyes one day, though Milton is there! But , what if it really happens, outside my literary world? Then just one doha of kabir rings in my ear, " bhala hua meri matki futi, main paani bharan se chhuti." i.e. Good that my vessel has broken, now I wouldn't have to go through the ritual of filling the vessel every day.

Did you ever realize how deep it could be? Are our eyes not the vessels that fill the images of the world - good, bad, beauty, ugly, dirty, violent - all unnecessary things. If we become blind to the material images, all that would remain is- formless beauty of God, flowing incessantly in our hearts. And likewise, all five senses are vessels that we fill from worldly things.

Now, understand the interpretation of doha, in a positive sense, "Good that it has broken." The phrase is full of optimism. It does not say - "Its okay" or "Now when it has broken"  But it emphasizes on "Good that it happened." The phrase underlines the infinite faith in God and his Doings. "Accha hua... " Behind it is a sense,  Whatever he does, ultimately it is for our good.

"Bhala hua meri matki footi,
Main paani bharan se chhuti."

I could create happiness then

Guess what! from a long time I am acutely missing two things very much from my childhood memories of myself. One, I had been so powerfully imaginative, that if I imagined I am a british dancer, I would become so in my most sensible moments. Second, I could create happiness. I remember once, was it birthday or Valentine's day or New Year I don't remember, but I had no one around, and I so much wanted to celebrate  the day, what I did was- woke up at twelve around, turn on the night lamp, brought my fav cake pieces, I hummed my fav songs, danced, laughed, imagined things and lived the moment fully.
I could create happiness then !

philippe salomon

Oh my Blog!

Alright , I guess I am in terrible mood to talk today. And guess what, I have come out of something. An irritating feeling, that someone is watching over you , watching over all your acts, no I am not a psychopath but it is about the blog. I don't like the feeling that I am being read. Yes I am among those few, who prefer solitude over "being together all the time". Because once you allow someone to enter into your zone, either you are trapped emotionally, or you make a fool out of yourself. Blog has made me meet so many people. And I am someone who can't be rude to you, be it whatever. So, I allow people to enter into my territory, which actually makes me more conscious, and takes away my freedom of being myself. But now, no more of that trap. I had forgotten one thing, I am capable of making a human relation with in-human things. And oh my blog ! we share a very very different relation. I can't allow anyone to walk in between us. Moreover, everything I share with you, is for you, is to keep in my mind only you -at least , it will be so, from now on. :) so Cheers!

musings of a born troubled soul - 1

hi... I dunno if I am writing a letter or addressing someone standing there! I am just perhaps...no its a monologue I guess... but then it is you, my blog, and it is me. I am sorry. I am feeling as if we have only a relation till I am depressed and I have no one there to talk to. But it isn't really. The truth is, I am lost at present. So many things are going and I am not able to find any satisfactory answer or say, I am not able to talk to myself about it. Yes.. that's it. You know at this moment, what I would love to do, to have this home with me for whole day, to start a novel, to pen down my thoughts. I guess, I know what's wrong with me. I am not able to pen down my thoughts in form of a story or poem. So many thoughts, emotions, experiences have piled up, and I need to express them that way. But I don't find solitude. If I ask myself, what I did today, gawd, I didn't do anything that gives pure satisfaction. No, yes, I welcomed guests, I spend time listening to their stories. I called up an old friend. Besides that? Nothing productive. That's so irritating. You want to do so much, but you end up in doing Nothing. "Nothing comes out of nothing".
All I know right now is - either I want to talk to someone - heart to heart talk -Infinitely. Or I want to write- till I write something that satisfies me.
The End.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013


I am just pondering about *the purpose of life* these days, not that, I find myself devoid of any purpose, but I want to probe into it more, to know the secrets... 

Does the (mother) Nature has any purpose of her being? If yes, what? If the Spring has its purpose, what is the purpose of Fall? Funny, can we imagine our lives without Nature? 

On another thought, what if, okay its very funny so just read it like that, what if we are living the same lives again and again, like watching the same movie again and again? The same plot, the same characters? the same settings ? Or one of the things may be different, but the story is same? So much so, that in all lives, we feel- I know it was going to happen, I knew it, I have been here before, It seems we know each other from many lives.... what is that? The same story? Same mistakes? Or the story with different mistakes, hence different destinies , but One Core Feeling, running through all the lives? 
Well, am I making some sense after all? :P Nevermind, its my Space and Who cares! :P 

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Thursday, February 7, 2013


don't talk to me about love,
tell me instead the tales of wars 
and blood-shed, 
tell me about old ladies,
waiting for their husbands and sons,
tell me the fragrance of loneliness and desperation,
tell me what does the old man talk about whole night in his sleep,
tell me the color of gloomy pubs and bars,
and dead faces of dying men,

tell me anything save honey-combed words,
and sweet jelly icing 
I can't take too much of
what my heart knows is a lie. 

Monday, February 4, 2013

Sunday, January 27, 2013

How you become yourself

 I did a strange thing yest, just on an impulsion, I changed my relationship status on FB - confirming that - I am engaged to my best friend Sheena. Later, I got enraging comments from my so called 'Friends' on FB.

This incident suddenly fired up in me, a hidden part of myself. The more people go against me, call me crazy, make my fun, I know I am not different but they are all same.

I have got courage to accept more loudly, what I strongly believe in. Whether you are with me, or not, I will go the way, I am destined for.

I am becoming myself.

via - http://fanglinglee.com/store/becoming

Thursday, January 24, 2013

S.J. - its a story !

"Its okay. I won't run away. You can go for as long you want."
"Oh... you woke up... you tried to run away thrice in your hallucinations..."
"Is it? But that is  not called hallucinations. They were attacks."
"Attacks? You scare me."
"Then let me go."
"I can not. Until your sister comes back."
"Sister? oh...Rabbi...she is...she is not my sister....oh leave it... but where has she gone to?"
"She has gone to take your clothes and medicines and some food."
"I remember where is my home. Let me go."
"I cant ! dear lady. Take rest. I have to go."
He goes out and locks the door while she calls him back, "wait ... !" The door opens. Their eyes met for a minute. She breaks the spell , "ah..oh..nothing...i just...i want water."
"Lady its on the side table." With a smile he disappears on the road. The door was left open.

S.J - why don't the flowers bloom ?

"It has been so bitter lovely ! He came like wind, I didn't see it came, when it came, I felt it, though it may be there but I can't see it, I am panicked."
"Are you talking to the wind?"
"Raabela ! I wish wind would hear it... but I can't keep it to myself any longer."
"Jeanie ! don't lose your heart, sit here, you are not well...come, please do..."
She moved to the bench, she looked so tired, she began to speak as if she were talking to herself, " I would do as you say Raabela, I would... " She closed her eyes tightly. Opened them and fixed her gaze at the horizon. It was too cold and nature didn't seem too welcoming, it had covered up itself under a white-hazel blanket.
"You know Raabi, when I was in college I would imagine myself at an isolated place, where I would sit down and look at a thing for a long time, I remember that feeling strongly, I wanted to reach at a point where nothing would affect me, no sorrow, no happiness, it was the aloofness from every material thing. And one day, it happened, yea..I lived it... but people around me asked me to break this silence, they wanted to take away this hollowness out of me...they wanted to help me... why don't the flowers bloom Raabi...why can't I find the words for what I feel... I trusted first, I trusted second, I doubted third and I lost with fourth, I don't trust...myself anymore... Rabbi take me away from this earth, from this world, where no man lives, no one lives, where I can be with the land, the sky, the stars and trees, where I can find some peace... I want nothing and no one...no one who sees it in me a tragedy... I hear a flute...Raabi "

She collapses. Raabela hopes she never wakes up. She hopes the flute voice takes her away, where she always wanted to be...

photo: reflection of tree and dock in a lake

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

It's just a Game.

game on-iekeliene-stange-by-diego-fuga 001

Its all a Game to me,

I will play it - 

Risk all

Learn new things

Never lose Hope

Always Believe in Good and Victory

I bet

I would Win

And even if I not

What does it matter

After all -

it's just a Game. 


It's just so Miserable

to have Everything

before you sleep,

You sleep tight and happy


have nothing beside

when you wake up.

Couldn't you stop showing me dreams !

Or at least be honest about what you show me.

girl etching 3 by freeminds

P.S. - I m sorry about my ranting, but I can't Trust, Unconsciously  I think - they all are same. 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


Believing in rebirth

is good for health


conscience too.

Sunday, January 20, 2013


Don't flare up my expectations ,

in the process of Healing,

you can hurt me...

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

S.J. - Help me

She was uncertain for a moment. But as if in a fix, she brought out a paper, and begin to scribble with a broken pencil that looked so old , like herself.  :
" ...Dea ...A... oh... I don't know how to begin. Its such a torment, not to be able to speak to you when I can. Truly, I can't believe, you and me... I had thought... that doesn't matter. Anyways. After years... the moment came and... I am so broken. You know me, I never want to miss the essence. Whatever it is. But here's... I am missing something crucial. I can not get it. Its like. I am in between. Help me. Would you? "

She folded the paper, placed it into the book. As she went out and crossed the sleepy streets in a winter afternoon, she looked at the book in her hand and wondered, if he would open it... before.. before it gets too late.

Togetherness is a dream

You cradle a dream in your heart. You spend some of the beautiful moments nursing it. It is a dream of Togetherness. Of such a companionship that grows on the deep understanding of each other's being, of each other's dream n desires. Where both are aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses. Where both stand beside each other in life's Ups and Downs. You dream of a time, when you don't want to Go into Tomorrow, because today is just so Perfect.

But Togetherness is a dream.
It is, when you never had it in your life, when you did not experience it. 
It is, when you are experiencing it. Because it is so perfect, it is Dream-like. 
And it is also a dream when the other has moved, in this life or beyond this life.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


"rooh rooh ko pehchaanti hai." "The Soul knows the Soul." It finds the other anyway, whether to love, to pay back or to take revenge. Sounds horrible, may be to some its unbelievable , but to me its very practical. Why...why out of crores' population you get to meet some, become friends with few and come closer to even one or two... there must be some reason (past life connections) working behind it. You only realize it when you look back and realize what and how the moment was when you met that person. How after all, the destiny brought you Two Together.

On a lonely night, in a chat box you rarely visit. In a coaching class, you tried not to Join. In a job which you abhorred and wondered why you were doing it. On a bus, you took because your own you missed. When you were really hopeless and left all on God. In the hospital after you met an accident. The hostel, which you thought would make you cry a lot.

Souls know each other, instinctively. Some we lose (their Karma Give and Take comes to an end perhaps) in the present birth, some new come our way. And it goes on until we reach our final destiny.

Soul Mates Art 16 of 20

Friday, January 4, 2013

S.J. - like a dream...

There comes a time when you begin to feel , things have come to a halt, to a Stop, they are staling, you have become numb, can not feel the ticking of clock and your soul from some deep corner of your being is crying out for some movement.
And then suddenly, with a burst , things started to move, but still, you don't feel the Spark, feel a Special spark which is like Life, life of your dreams.

They would not listen to it. They would call her pessimist and give her plenty of suggestions of how she could be happy. But no one would understand, happiness is just a matter of the state of mind. She knew when to be happy, its when she wanted to be. But happiness is related to the life of your dreams. And the life of her dream was so thin, transparent like dream itself...

She pressed her chilled hands between her legs...the winter nights would not let her sleep, would not let her dream, even her dreams were shivering... she wondered if he was awake, if he was well enough to speak, if he ... if he missed her, cared for her... and on stretch she even dared to think, if he was the same Anonymous, she yearned to know because he seemed so different.... the Anonymous thing was perhaps only in my mind, she thought, no one is like same as their image in your mind....the images, the illusion... she tried to shake off stupid thoughts but the chilled thoughts had held on to her ... and she held on to her mobile...the ray of hope at the deep of your heart never dies, and this is ....this is called a disease of Optimism !

I am fool

 she laughs, looks up at the sky, gazes at the stars and at the mystery twinkling through them, she calls them, calls to the wind - 'I am fool, and I am grateful.'  

 ~ S.J.

You might also like

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Best of Me


I WISH I could listen to what you had to say.